Dear Penina,

Baruch Hashem, my wife and I are happily married, and we don’t have any major conflicts. We do, however, squabble over some issues (how to discipline our kids, finances, etc.), and my sense is that this is normal for a happily married couple. However, lately, I noticed that whenever I bring up a difficult issue, she tends to shut down. She either changes the subject or says, “We’re not having this conversation.” What should I do when that happens?

Signed,

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

What you are experiencing can feel extremely frustrating and it may make you feel stuck and shut out of these interactions. These patterns often make us feel misunderstood and angry at the person we love and need most.

The dynamic that you are describing is quite common in couples. In emotionally focused couples therapy, we call it the pursue-withdraw pattern. It is the most common conflict pattern in couples. While you are trying to address a difficult and important topic, your wife may be hearing it as criticism or blame or judgment. What you are bringing up likely makes her anxious, and it’s natural for people to avoid things that cause anxiety. Because of this, she may not fully hear you or understand your perspective. She’s probably not intentionally dismissing your feelings—rather, her anxiety and possible hurt are making it difficult for her to truly listen and understand what you’re experiencing.

I would encourage you to find a calm time when she is in a good mood and explain to her this dynamic. Tell her that when you’re trying to have important conversations, you notice you may be unintentionally hurting her feelings, and that makes you feel disconnected from her support in those moments. Share your deeper emotions—the ones that aren’t visible during tense discussions but are causing your own hurt. Try asking questions like “What happens for you when I say…” or “How do my words make you feel?” This will help you understand her emotional experience better, so you can respond with love and support for any pain you might have accidentally caused.

I encourage you to be vulnerable with her because once she hears this and responds in kind, you will feel closer and more connected. If she still doesn’t respond well, there might be something deeper at play—perhaps a past trauma, big or small, that’s being triggered. This may need to be addressed in therapy. Thank you for sharing this important, relatable question.

Sincerely,

Penina

Dear Readers,

Please send your questions (or if you are asking for a friend) to my confidential email address, [email protected]

You can remain anonymous if you prefer.