May 26, 2024
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May 26, 2024
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Linking Northern and Central NJ, Bronx, Manhattan, Westchester and CT

As an over-30 single, I would like to thank Ahuva Lamm for her article, “A Closer Look at 30+ Dating in the Orthodox World” (February 25, 2021). As she notes, one significant issue, at least for men, is that of having too many suggestions to choose between, especially with the rise of online shidduch networks. (While I try not to let it result in leaving the suggestion hanging, that does not mean I will be able to accept the match.)

In order to help men (including young men below 30) make such choices, in a way that will increase the chances of a successful match, I would like to suggest that perhaps it would be helpful for shadchanim (at least those working outside those they know personally) to fill out short profiles and share them together with any profiles they send out. Such a profile would likely consist of:

Two or three sentences summarizing the shadchan’s matchmaking philosophy (how he or she decides who to match with whom). Different bochurim may work better with different matchmaking styles, and this allows the decision to be made based on this factor.

Roughly how much time the shadchan spends (per day, per week or whatever he or she feels appropriate) on shidduchim (whether looking over resumes, checking with references for more information, carefully considering the best choice for a given individual, or anything else), and roughly how many suggestions are sent out. If a shadchan spends several hours thinking on each and every suggestion before sending it out, his/her suggestions deserve to be considered with a comparable degree of weight, and this will provide the information to allow people to do so. (If the shadchan feels uncomfortable sharing how much time he/she spends on shadchanus, the ratio between the two numbers could serve this purpose as well, though sharing the two numbers independently seems less likely to uncomfortably feel like an quota.)

Optionally: Roughly how many suggestions the shadchan has made (in the past year, two years, half-year or whatever the shadchan finds appropriate) that were accepted by one party, how many were accepted by both and how many resulted in marriage. This information is not always useful or appropriate (in particular with regard to newer shadchanim), but it provides a particularly insightful shadchan the ability to show off a high “success rate” and have his/her suggestions treated appropriately. By leaving the time period up to the shadchan, it will also be easier for a shadchan whose current approach is not working to reinvent him/herself without being unduly held back by his/her previous approach.

Yitzhak Kornbluth
Teaneck
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