The most famous episode in this week’s parsha is the mysterious death of Aharon’s sons, Nadav and Avihu. As the Torah text is particularly vague regarding the cause of their death, numerous explanations are offered as to why they were killed.
What seems abundantly clear from the text, however, is the reaction of their father, Aharon, to the tragedy. The Torah tells us “וידם אהרון”, “And Aharon was silent.” Meforshim note that the unusual word used to describe Aharon’s silence indicates not simply a regular silence, but a conscious and deliberate silence.
Classically, this is understood to mean that Aharon reacted with total silence. While it would have been normal for him to cry in response to the horrible news, he was amazingly able to hold himself back from displaying any emotion—as such a display was inappropriate while serving as the kohen gadol.
Over the years, Aharon’s powerful silence has served as a model for those able to maintain incredible silence in the face of challenging situations.
The Ramban, however, gives an entirely different explanation of Aharon’s reaction. He suggests that in fact Aharon did cry and grieve out loud. But then following that initial outburst of emotion he gained control over his emotions and became silent, despite his natural inclination to continue mourning.
While the Ramban himself refrains from explaining the reasoning for his interpretation, the most logical explanation seems to be a keen understanding of basic human nature. When faced with the news that his beloved children had tragically died, Aharon reacted in the most human way possible: he cried out in grief and pain. To expect anything less of Aharon would be unfair and almost unreasonable—and therefore God allowed Aharon to bare his emotions intensely. Yet after those initial moments Aharon reined in his emotions and once again focused on the task at hand.
Understood in this way, the Ramban’s interpretation of Aharon’s reaction highlights an important balance regarding how to experience emotion. When faced with a challenging situation, it’s important to allow ourselves to experience the emotions that arise and to react accordingly. It’s unhealthy to deny or suppress such emotions. At the same time, Aharon knew to finish mourning and to move on. While it was important for him to let himself mourn, his public leadership role required him to then contain his emotions.
As parents, we must help our children develop this crucial balance regarding experiencing emotion. There are moments when we should allow our children to cry, and help them realize that it’s OK to cry. Countless times I have witnessed a child get hurt, and a parent runs over to a fallen child saying, “It’s OK, you are fine,” or “don’t cry, you are OK.” While this response is well intentioned, I believe that “in the moment” this response is less than ideal. When the child first gets hurt they are in pain, and crying is the normal and appropriate response. Rather than pushing our child to suppress those emotions or feel bad about having the instinctive reactions, we should validate those feelings while also then teaching him to recalibrate and not wallow in the emotion. I would suggest that in the above scenario, a more proper response would be, “Oh no, you fell down, did you get hurt? I’m sorry, how can we make it feel better?” In this way we help the child realize that it’s OK to experience pain or sadness in the moment, while also encouraging him to move beyond the pain.
A similar situation arises when a child is hurt emotionally—hurt by a comment made by a peer, or being left out by a group of friends. Our automatic reaction may be to say, “It’s OK, you are better than that” or “there’s no need to cry about that!” Yet doing so would encourage them to quash their emotions in an unhealthy way. Ignoring pain or disappointment doesn’t make it go away—particularly when dealing with emotional pain. The suppressed pain can get buried deep inside, often expressed in other ways or at other times. Instead, a more appropriate response may be to acknowledge the child’s hurt and pain, be there with them in the hurt, and then help them learn how to move on from that pain.
Of course, the details of this balance may depend on the specifics of the situation and the child involved. Sometimes it may be more appropriate to allow the emotion to be felt for a longer time, and only then to encourage the child to move on. Other times, it may be more appropriate to only allow a brief experience of emotion before pushing the child to move on. The key is to allow both processes to unfold fully: to allow them to experience and feel their emotions, and then help them find a way to move on.
The Ramban’s understanding of Aharon’s silence is both revolutionary and extremely profound. While his interpretation veers from the classic understanding regarding Aharon’s response, the lessons that result are of extreme importance for us, particularly as parents. We must give our kids permission to experience their emotions, and at times even allow them to cry. We must then help them pick up the pieces and move on with their lives in a healthy way.
Wishing everyone a Shabbat Shalom!
Rav Yossi Goldin is the menahel tichon at Yeshivas Pe’er HaTorah, Rebbe at Midreshet Tehilla, and placement adviser/internship coordinator for the YU/RIETS Kollel. He lives with his family in Shaalvim and can be reached at [email protected].
