Many people say the reason singles have so many difficulties finding someone is that they are too picky and self-centered. Obviously, many singles feel hurt by this and say they are just looking for the qualities they know they need in a spouse. So who’s right? Since singles who maintain these standards often date for years, it would seem they have unrealistic demands. Is there another way to see things?

Well for starters, the systemic problems of shidduchim, including the ways shidduch resumes circulate and online dating is used, create situations where many singles receive no match suggestions no matter how hard they try. That’s not pickiness, it’s just nothing to pick from. Other singles’ criteria are unrealistic, not because they are unreasonable but because of the nature of today’s society.

But even besides that, the claim that singles today are too picky implies that the reason couples of earlier generations married with relative ease is because they were not picky. Is that really the reason?

Curiously, when these same individuals shop for a new car, they are very particular and picky about the type of model and features they want. At a restaurant, they are also picky about their choice of entree. So surprisingly, even though it’s OK to want more than a box with four wheels or a TV dinner, making a decision with lifelong ramifications is something that one shouldn’t be too particular about.

Viewed in this light it would seem that today’s singles are the responsible ones and that earlier generations were acting inconsistently and carelessly. Seemingly, it’s only through Hashem’s chesed that their marriages lasted. The reality is that most couples who married over 20 ago were not acting irresponsibly, and most singles today are not overly picky. Rather, it is that the world has changed dramatically over the past 70 years and our perception of relationships along with it.

From the 1950s to about 2000, the world was much more predictable than it is today. Of course there were threats, especially the Cold War, but they were for the most part distant geographically. The economy was also growing fairly well. Consequently, couples who dated and married then weren’t picky because they didn’t feel they needed to be. They knew marriage takes work, but they could also expect tomorrow to be a lot like yesterday and the same for decades along the way.

Now, things change so rapidly and are fed by a 24-hour news cycle that we can barely remember yesterday. We hear of terrorism, mass shootings, random killings, and so there are justifiable reasons to be anxious about the immediate future. So part of the pickiness of today is a product of singles hoping to get a greater sense of certainty in an increasingly uncertain world.

But there has been a bigger change. There has been a tremendous decrease in the level of trust in society. People used to be able to trust complete strangers with certain things and so they did. Now that is rarely the case. It used to be that someone could graduate college, get hired and work at the same job for his entire career. Today, companies make applicants sign a waiver agreeing to being fired at any moment without cause. It used to be that singles knew of only a few divorced people or friends with rough marriages. Now, that’s not the case. Given this, it’s understandable that singles want some kind of assurance, at least at the level a car buyer or diner is expected to get. It’s not something previous generations had to give much thought to. But now it makes sense to take more into account before engagement.

There is also the flip side of pickiness—settling. Again, conventional wisdom is that earlier generations were willing to settle even though they might have hoped for more in a spouse. The thing is that there has been a fundamental shift in our society’s understanding of “settling.”

It used to be that when one settled, he was merely recognizing that one’s dreams and wishes don’t always fit into real life, and so choosing a spouse was simply choosing to live life. He did not feel a major loss. In our generation raised on the mantras of “live your dreams” and “you deserve it all,” dreams and wishes are internalized as reality itself so settling for anything less is experienced as a tremendous loss.

In the past, every man was aware that by marrying one woman he was necessarily not going to date all of the other women around the world. However, this was not logistically possible anyway so the thought was not bothersome or even conscious. Now, with online dating and networks of shidduch resumes, those women are accessible, making engagement difficult in ways it never needed to be.

So if singles aren’t unreasonably picky, but they are still not finding someone, what can be done? Unfortunately, the only way to make substantial and lasting change is to correct the systemic problems associated with shidduch resumes, online dating, and other aspects of shidduch dating. These require efforts made beyond the reach of any individual.

What is within reach of every individual, and can and must be done, is to change the conversation about shidduchim. Currently the entire shidduchim infrastructure—dating experts, dating coaches, shadchanim, dating websites, etc.—is completely focused on getting singles engaged with little interest or accountability in the long-term results. Singles, on the other hand, are more concerned about having healthy marriages that last, and they know of many that haven’t. Singles need more married people in the community to appreciate the purpose of dating as they do.

That means that it would help if married couples could be open and talk—whether privately or in group settings—about challenges they faced, how they may have been ill prepared for them at the time, and how they pulled through and stayed married. Conversations like these would help singles refine what they are looking for and how to best assess it. Also, singles whose checklists do lean closer to the superficial side would benefit by seeing how a relationship can change over time. They would appreciate the broader side of marriage and the strength of a relationship that grows with it.

So today’s singles who come across as just picky can indeed be called self-centered—they are not selfish, but self-aware and seeking a relationship within which they feel confident they can thrive.

Ari Blinder is a math educator living in Highland Park, New Jersey. He is the owner of Math for the Masses (www.math4masses.com), an innovative tutoring and consulting company. He is also the writer of the Jewish Link column “Mitzvah Math.” Ari started the website Shmeetup (https://www.shmeetup.com) to create more dating opportunities for Orthodox singles. He can be reached at [email protected]