All people make mistakes. Whether someone is an adult, teenager or child, he or she will make bad decisions and occasionally choose the wrong path; it is part of being human. No matter how natural this may be, it can be painful for parents to watch their children make mistakes, especially when they keep repeating the same bad choices. But what are mothers and fathers to do if their children won’t listen to their advice?
Devorah Davis was fed up with her parents. They refused to leave her alone about her sleep, her device use and the time she spent on social media. Devorah was also fed up with her life. How could she be happy when everyone she knew had bigger and better things than she did? How could she feel satisfied with her social life if she could barely manage to get to 50 followers on Instagram? If her most popular TikTok only had 300 views and 20 “likes”? Unhappy with her life, Devorah walked around cranky and jealous, and had lately been spending very little time with her friends. Her parents noticed and tried to help, but their daughter refused to listen.
“You just don’t understand!” Devorah would say. “It’s easy for you to tell me to get rid of my social media accounts and to turn off my phone early every night! You aren’t a kid! This is what we do!” Clearly, despite their best efforts, Devorah wouldn’t take her parents advice. Instead, she spent hours each day and night scrolling and liking, scrolling and following, commenting on videos posted by people she will never meet, and getting caught up in the show-off fest that is social media. Although anyone could see how Devorah’s online presence was affecting her life, her parents just couldn’t get her to see the light. To get the message across, Devorah’s mother came up with a phrase she would repeat to her daughter—“Disconnect and happiness will follow”—but nothing seemed to work.
Of course, Devorah was not the only student at her school with such challenges. Many of her classmates were attached to their phones and social media accounts. Some of these students were affected as Devorah was, feeling down due to the negative messages they received from social media. One afternoon, Devorah found herself sitting alone in the school cafeteria on a beautiful day. With the sun shining and the temperature a perfect 70 degrees, most students had gone outdoors for lunch. However, Devorah felt like being alone, so she stayed inside.
While Devorah sat there, another student entered the cafeteria, accompanied by a teacher. The two sat down and began to talk. Devorah did not mean to eavesdrop, but she couldn’t help but overhear the conversation. “… and I just feel like it makes me sad, but I don’t know why!” the other student said. “Why should social media make me feel that way?” Devorah’s ears perked up; this sounded a bit familiar. “It’s about perspective on life,” the teacher responded. “Social media often makes people feel that getting attention and approval from others is the key to happiness, but this is the opposite of the truth. Happiness comes from within, not from others. Try unplugging a bit. As I like to say, ‘Unplug and happiness will follow.’ Let me know how it works out for you.” The student smiled. “I think I will. Thanks for the advice!”
All of sudden, Devorah had a flash of inspiration. “Yes, that’s what I’ll do! Time to get rid of all this negativity! I’m going to put limits on my social media accounts and maybe even delete one or two! Enough living for other people!” On arriving home that day, Devorah wore a smile she hadn’t in weeks. “Mommy! Guess what? I heard the most amazing advice today! ‘Unplug and happiness will follow!’ Here, take my phone. Please put whatever screen time limits you think are best for me!” Devorah’s mother was happy, yet confused. “Devorah, this is exactly what I have been…” but Devorah was already out the door and on her way to a friend.
Later that evening, Devorah’s parents were sitting at the kitchen table and talking. Devorah’s mother told her husband about the whole interaction and how she couldn’t believe that Devorah accepted a message in five minutes that she had been telling Devorah for weeks. “Honey, sometimes people can’t accept messages being told to them directly. It’s natural to get defensive if someone criticizes you, even if it’s correct and done with love. Maybe Devorah just needed to ‘discover’ it on her own.” Devorah’s mother did not agree. “Can’t be. There has to be another reason! Maybe her teachers are telling her not to listen to our advice! Maybe her friends don’t listen to their parents and Devorah is learning from them! I need to figure this out!” As much as Devorah’s father tried to convince his wife otherwise, it was of no use.
The next morning, Devorah’s mother emailed her daughter’s principal to ask for a meeting. She wanted to discuss what the school had been communicating about listening to parents and whether the other students at school respected their own parents. The meeting was set for 2 p.m.
On the drive over to the meeting, Devorah’s mother put on a podcast called “Parenting Today.” The episode was about getting children to be honest about themselves. The host was discussing the importance of depersonalization. “Often, children don’t want to talk about themselves, but if they feel as if they are talking about someone else, you can get them to open up. For example, if a young child has a bad day at school, don’t ask her what happened. Instead take out a stuffed animal and say, ‘Cuddles had a bad day at school today. What do you think happened to him?’ Upon hearing this, Devorah’s mother pulled the car over, emailed the principal to cancel the meeting, and called her husband. “Sweetheart, guess what I just figured out…”
Parshat Haazinu begins with two types of listening. “Haazinu hashamayim va’adabeira” is direct: “I will speak to the heavens and they will listen to me.” However, the pasuk continues, “Vatishma ha’aretz inmrei fi,” in which the earth hears what is being said, but isn’t spoken to directly. This teaches us that different forms of communication are needed for different situations and people. Before making an important point, take a moment to think about how to say it. That moment may make all the difference in terms of how your message is received.
By Yair Daar
