There are basically two kinds of questions on a driving permit test. There’s “Yeah, that one’s obvious,” and there’s “How am I supposed to remember that?”

For example, one actual question on the test is, “What does a red 8-sided sign mean?” And at the other end, there are questions like, “How much alcohol can you drink?”

“Can I just drink none?”

“No, you can’t drink none; that’s what causes road rage. You have to drink some. But what’s a safe amount?”

I feel like half the driving test is alcohol math. Like “A 12-ounce can of beer has as much alcohol as how much whiskey?”

I’m studying to be a driver, not a bartender.

That said, I’ve included a sample test below. I didn’t include answers, because all the answers are either obvious or I have no idea how I’m supposed to know them.

The test would also make a great refresher course for parents who have been driving by their own rules for years, and now they have to remind themselves of the actual rules in case their kids ask. Or that there are actual rules. Not that I have road rage.

How close can you park to a stop sign?

1. It depends. Am I in Brooklyn?
2. How long have I been looking for parking?
3. Why don’t they just put all the hydrants next to the stop signs so there’s more parking?

If you can park 50 feet from a stop sign, 25 feet from a corner, 10 feet from a fire hydrant, and 6 inches from a curb, how close can you park to a corner that has a fire hydrant and a stop sign and a curb?

1. 85 feet, 6 inches.
2. How exactly am I supposed to eyeball all these feet?
3. I have literally never seen anyone measure, except to fight a ticket.

What happens if you park too close to a fire hydrant?

1. The fire department is authorized to break your windows and thread their hose through your car, even if there is currently no fire.
2. The neighborhood youth will open the hydrant and use your vehicle as a slip n’ slide.
3. The neighborhood dogs will become totally obsessed with your vehicle.

If you commit a moving violation but the cop didn’t see it, should you report yourself anyway, altz yashrus?

1. Avadeh.
2. Be quiet.
3. See, this is why I don’t offer you rides.

If a cop pulls you over and says, “Do you know why I pulled you over?,” what should you say?

1. “Is… Isn’t that your job?”
2. “Antisemitism.”
3. “Cards on the table, what happens if the answer I give right now is not the answer you were thinking?”

If a sign says, “Parking Fine,” what does it mean?

1. Parking is totally fine. You don’t even have to ask.
2. It’s not ideal to park there, but it’s fine. It’s like when your wife says, “Hhh. Fine,” and you can do what you wanted, but you might have to pay the price later.
3. Certain coveted parking spots are more expensive than others.

According to the DMV, if you approach a steady yellow or amber signal, you should “slow down and stop before entering the intersection only if possible.” Define “only if possible.”

1. I don’t know. It’s never been possible.
2. Only if I have nowhere that I’m trying to get to.
3. I don’t actually know what amber is.

When should you use your horn?

1. After you almost get into a collision, to let the other person know, “Hey. We almost got into a collision there.”
2. Morning carpools.
3. To wave at pedestrians you know.

What happens if two drivers get to an intersection at the same time?

1. That depends. Am I one of these drivers?
2. The one in the rush goes first.
3. The car on the right goes first. Unless the car on the left is your rosh hayeshiva. And you’re supposed to be in yeshiva.

What happens if four drivers get to the intersection at the same time?

1. The chances of that happening are such a rarity that the drivers’ manual doesn’t have to cover it at all.
2. Everyone involved has to make a right.
3. The four drivers wait there until Eliyahu Hanavi comes.

One of the best ways to prevent driving drunk is:

1. Marriage.
2. Being antisocial.
3. Only drinking on Friday nights.

When you take a medication and it says, “Do not operate heavy machinery,” by “heavy machinery” they mean:

1. Forklifts, probably.
2. Cars.
3. Really? Cars?
4. Yes, cars. Who on earth operates forklifts and is still going to work with whatever it is they have that requires them to take this medication?
5. Stand mixers?
6. No, that’s not heavy enough.

The right shoulder of the road is for:

1. Passing traffic jams that don’t concern you.
2. Figuring out how to open your hood.
3. Biking on the highway in shorts that are visible from space.

What’s the best place to put a car seat?

1. Inside the car.
2. Roof rack. But facing backwards, because of bugs.
3. Front passenger seat, to make it easier to pass snacks to the baby.

What is the best way to get alcohol out of your system?

1. Hamantaschen.
2. Tossing your Hamantaschen on the side of the road.
3. Sobering realizations.

What do you do when you’re looking for an address?

1. Turn down the radio so I can see better.
2. Drive past it and say, “I think that was it.”
3. Comment on how none of the houses have numbers.

Who always has the right of way?

1. Pedestrians.
2. Your rosh hayeshiva.
3. Ducklings.

Is driving a privilege or a right?

1. Right! Right! You missed it. I said right.
2. It’s a privilege that every adult hates.
3. It’s a privilege that way too many people seem to have. I don’t get this kind of traffic on bikes.

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].