April 21, 2024
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April 21, 2024
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I write about dumb criminals from time to time—enough that the average reader would assume that all dumb criminals are human.

This isn’t necessarily true. Animals do silly things all the time. Just like humans, they commit crimes in broad daylight, steal things that don’t seem to be worth the jail time and stop in the middle of their crimes because something shiny caught their eye.

I say they should be put in jail with the criminals.

Or maybe that’s what zoos are—they’re jails for animals who are also criminals. That’s why every time an animal escapes, the zoo panics, and everyone’s like, “Stay in your homes! Don’t pick up hitchhikers!”

In fact, now that we’ve figured this out, I say that zoos would be far more interesting if, next to each sign that says what the animal is, there would be a sign saying what crime it’s in for—theft, trespassing, arson, racketeering or anything from that “ridiculous laws” article I wrote a few months back, such as transporting hay in Oregon without a certificate, handling salmon in a suspicious manner and driving through cemeteries for pleasure.

I’m not sure where they’d put the sign at a drive-through safari, though. And they need one there. I have here an article from January, titled, “Greedy Giraffe Steals Ice Cream During Drive-Through Safari.”

According to the article, a family in Germany was on a safari, had purchased some ice cream cones, and, “were enjoying them while petting some zebras,” which sounds super hygienic.

But suddenly, a giraffe poked his head into the car—repeatedly—sticking out his foot-long tongue and making grabs at the woman’s ice cream. Eventually, the woman realized that she was licked (oy), and let it have her cone. But then it made a pass at their 6-year-old son’s cone. The father, meanwhile, caught the whole thing on video, instead of, you know, attempting to protect his son.

Or take the story, also from January, in which a woman in Oregon—Katelyn Lund—opened the door to go into a 7-Eleven, when a goat ran past her into the store, without so much as a thank you, and went straight for the Skittles, ripped a package open and started eating it off the floor.

Katelyn had no idea what to do at that point. So she took a video.

See, when animals commit crimes, no one stops them. They just take videos, so they can use them later in court.

She later found out that the animal belonged to another customer who came in all the time. And the goat was like, “Oh, he’s paying for me.”

See, this is why Avraham Avinu used to muzzle his goats. For when he went to the makolet.

And this isn’t the only case of animals stealing from convenience stores. A convenience store in Toronto recently reached out to the general public to figure out what to do about, “a gang of squirrels who keep stealing candy bars from their store.” In case you think crime doesn’t happen in Canada.

The squirrels are sneaking in, a few times a day, and taking chocolate bars from the bottom rack. They especially like the ones with nuts. The storeowners don’t even realize until after it happens, because the squirrels are wearing trench coats. So they turned to the public for help.

Mainly, they were looking for ideas. They said that animal control wasn’t really helpful, and sprinkling red pepper flakes on the bars might deter the squirrels, but it would be hazardous for the kids. (The human kind. Also the goat kind.)

And animals aren’t just into theft. A few years back, a dog in Germany attempted murder when it found a live hand grenade from WWII and happily trotted over to its owner. The owner immediately went into the mode that you go into when you see your 2-year-old across the room holding a vase.

What do you do? If you attempt to run away, it’ll think you’re playing a game and chase you down.

Your best option is to throw the grenade and hope it explodes before the dog happily brings it back to you.

Animals are into sabotage, too. In June, a monkey fell off the roof of a power company in Africa and landed on a transformer, setting off a chain reaction that blew multiple transformers and plunged most of Kenya into darkness. Also, it was no picnic for the monkey.

And it’s not just monkeys that take out power. There have been over 879 documented cases of squirrels taking out power in the last 15 years, possibly as an attempt to disable security cameras. There was also a raccoon in Seattle, a snake in South Carolina, a goose in Indiana, a chicken in Maui and in one case in Montana, a deer. It was found hanging from the power lines, and no one knows how it got there.

Maybe it was chasing a squirrel.

But the truth is that we don’t even know what deer can do. Like we always see “Deer Crossing” signs, but we never see any deer actually crossing at the sign. They’re all like, “I can do what I want. These are human laws.”

Point is, it’s not always the humans committing the crimes. And anyway, we all know that the real crime here is all the animal puns in this article.

By Mordechai Schmutter

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He also has six books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].

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