Okay, I’ll admit it: I talk to myself. I am literally talking to myself right now as I plan this article. And why shouldn’t I? I like me! I make me laugh.

Sure, some people think it’s weird. When I tell people that I talk to myself, they give me a look, like they think I put on a trench coat, get on the bus and start mumbling.

It’s just talking to myself. It’s not like I argue with myself. (“Really? I don’t believe me!” “I’m serious.”)

Though I do sometimes yell at myself. I’m like, “What’s WRONG with you?”

But I just take it. I don’t yell back.

“What’s wrong with ME?? What’s wrong with ME!”

Also, I don’t actually say, “Me.” I say, “You,” because I’m picturing myself talking to someone else. Someone who has nowhere to be but to hang out near me and constantly ask me to explain myself.

Don’t judge me. I mostly work at home. Except when I go teach high school in the afternoons, and then I talk to myself in front of a class, and no one thinks THAT’S weird.

“Well,” you’ll say, “the first step is admitting to yourself that you have a problem.”

“Um…”

But it’s not really a problem. I suspect that a lot of people talk to themselves. I’ve spoken to myself about this theory, and I agree. But the thing is, no one is going to admit it.

Though sometimes you get caught. The worst is when you’re talking to yourself, not realizing anyone can hear you, and someone says, “What?”

Actually, it’s worse when you say, “What?”

But it’s like here I am, trying to have a nice conversation with myself, and people are coming in and interrupting. Was I talking to you?

Some people are like, “Yeah, well, crazy people talk to themselves.”

Sure. But crazy people do lots of things. They’re people. Crazy people sometimes eat spaghetti. And I eat spaghetti! Does that mean I’m crazy? No. Everyone looks crazy when they eat spaghetti.

Some people assume I’m talking to an imaginary friend. But to me, it was never about imaginary friends. It was about rehearsing arguments that I thought I might have later. I always won those arguments in private, though I could never remember what I was going to say later on when the argument actually happened.

“This is some good stuff! I should really write this down! So I can consult my notes during the argument!”

I can’t write anything down in the shower. That’s why I have a voice recorder. I guess so that if I’m ever in an argument, I can find the appropriate recording and play it back. And my opponent will have nothing to say. At most, he’ll just be like, “Why is there water running in the background?”

I understand that there are probably some people out there who genuinely do not talk to themselves. But the rest of us talked about it, among ourselves, and we decided that if you think about it, talking to ourselves is actually pretty normal. We say things all the time like, “Give yourself a pep talk,” and no one bats an eye.

And what about the expression, “You’ll be kicking yourself tomorrow.” That’s more normal, right?

And in fact, I have some good news: If you talk to yourself, scientists say you’re not alone.

“Oh. Well, if I’m not alone, I’m not going to talk to myself. It’s weird.”

It turns out that it’s not actually weird to talk to yourself. It’s only weird to get caught doing it. According to recent studies, talking to yourself is a sign that you may be a genius. Which I guess means that I’m a genius? I didn’t actually think so, but this study proves it, so who am I to argue? Though I do call myself a genius from time to time. I’m like, “You forgot Yaaleh V’yavo again, genius.” So I guess I sort of suspected.

But for example, there was an experiment in which subjects were told to find various items in a grocery store, but one group had to do it silently while the other had to keep repeating the items they were looking for over and over: “Bananas… Bananas… Bananas…” And they found that to the group that kept repeating it bananas didn’t even sound like a word anymore. What even are bananas? Bananas. But they did find the bananas faster.

Now before we all go patting ourselves on the back, which is even weirder, I should point out that it’s possible that it’s not being smarter that makes you talk to yourself, but it’s talking to yourself that makes you smarter. It stimulates memory, helps you focus on a task, clarifies your thoughts and helps develop your language skills. It also helps reduce stress, possibly because if you’re stressed, you can just tell yourself jokes.

“But how could you tell yourself jokes if every joke you tell yourself you’ve already heard?” you ask.

Well, I don’t know how other people do it, but my answer is that I make the jokes up. That way, they’re new jokes that I haven’t heard before. I’m a writer, genius. In fact, I bet if you looked at any humor writer that you know of and asked, “Does this person talk to themselves?” The answer will be yes. Also, you’ll be talking to yourself.

So what am I saying? I think I’m saying that if you walk into a room and see someone talking to themselves, don’t interrupt their conversation. And if you’ve never actually talked to yourself before, maybe try it! It’s the newest thing! Everyone’s talking about it! Mostly to themselves. But start off small, in a private place such as the shower, and see what develops!

It has to be better than your singing.

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He also has seven books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].