There’s no greater simcha than making a wedding for your child. And when I say, “no greater simcha,” I am obviously talking about price. With bar mitzvahs, you only have to invite one family, and with brissim, half your relatives are going to oversleep anyway. So, simcha-wise, a wedding is definitely the largest one you’re ever going to have to pay for.

In today’s economy especially, there’s no way you can afford a wedding. But there’s no way you’re about to tell this to your child, especially when you just spent the last few years encouraging him, in no uncertain times, to get married.

Yeah, but I didn’t think he’d marry into such a big family.

Of course, the obvious way to cut expenses is to just not hire as many wedding services. You can cut the photographer and have the guests take pictures with little disposable cameras, which you will never get developed because I don’t think you can find a place that does that anymore. You can also cut people out of the band and I guess have the guests play music using instruments that they brought from home. (Although if you tried that, the manager of the hall is bound to approach you and ask that you please not make any more weddings.)

But I’m not going to suggest any of these things, because if no one hires a ten-man band, how are all those “men” going to pay for their children’s weddings? I happen to have a neighbor who’s a photographer, and another who plays in a band, and I’m not going to tell you stop stimulating the Jewish economy. If you don’t want to hire a big band, then don’t. But if you think you have to, I’m not going to be the one who tells you not to.

My goal here is also not to tell you things you’ve already thought of. My goal is to give you some ways to save money that you maybe haven’t thought of, probably because they don’t make sense. (As opposed to the ways you’re saving money now, such as by serving a salad that is a pound and a half of lettuce and three cherry tomatoes.)

THE SHMORG – The first thing everyone thinks of, when it comes to cutting down at a wedding, is getting rid of the shmorg. Why feed everyone two meals, right?

People have been talking about this at least since I was a teenager, and it always worried me because I love shmorgs. For me, that was the main part of the wedding. (The chuppah came in close second, and the meal and dancing was maybe third. I figured that was why they did it in that order.) So I say, don’t get rid of the shmorg, get rid of the meal.

Okay, I understand that there has to be a meal. But shmorgs must cost less. Think about it: For meals, they charge all that money per plate, right? Shmorgs have smaller plates. On top of that, people take only what they’re going to eat, the lack of tables means fewer waiters, fewer catering employees walking around and pouring water into people’s glasses that didn’t ask for water, and no one will even think of asking for a knife. It’s hard enough to hold your plate and your glass and eat with a fork and try to have a polite conversation without dropping your food all over the other person, let alone try to figure out how to work a knife into the equation. (“Excuse me. Can you please cut my meat while we talk? Or at least hold my fork.”)

This is all not to mention that generally, the shmorg is better than the meal, which is usually chicken stuffed with something that would not have been presentable on its own, so they had to hide it in the chicken.

But what do people do? They cut the shmorg down to sponge cake, and then they have a mediocre meal followed by a good dessert that no one’s around for anymore, because the chuppah was delayed while everyone waited for someone who had to fly in from another time zone to instead drive in from that time zone. So why not cut the meal down? Just keep the big challah and the good dessert (and maybe the stuffed chicken, if the caterer accidentally makes something that is not presentable on its own), and spend that money on the shmorg instead?

PICTURES – The way I see it, the meal is just there to kill time while the photographer takes 80,000 pictures, only 36 of which are going to make it into the album anyway. So I say that if the photographer took fewer pictures, not only can he charge less, but a greater percentage of the pictures would be useable because more people would be smiling.

On the other hand, maybe that’s not a great idea, because if one of the pictures doesn’t come out, you’d have to restage the whole wedding again. But at least the second time you won’t have to invite anyone who doesn’t actually have to be in the pictures.

GUEST LIST: The first rule of thumb, once you’ve invited everyone who has to be in the pictures, is to remember that no one wants to come to your wedding.

Okay, some people do want to come, but not nearly as many as you’re inviting. A great many of them are just coming to make you happy. Therefore, there are only two types of people you have to invite: a. people whose presence will make the chosson and kallah happy, and b. people who will be offended if you didn’t invite them.

But, for example, you can maybe put something on the invitation that says that spouses don’t have to come. How many invitations do you get in the mail that are addressed to husband and wife, and Husband turns to Wife and says, “Who are these people, again?” And Wife says, “Remember about eight years ago I mentioned a girl that I knew in seminary? I think she was at our wedding.” Like he would know who was in the women’s section at his wedding. So the husband comes long, even though he has absolutely no interest in shelpping out and paying for a babysitter AND a gift (and it’s really easy to buy a gift for someone you don’t know), all so he could sit at the “Husbands of the Kallah’s Old Seminary Friends” table and peer into his stuffed chicken in awkward silence. A simple line in the invitation that says, “Spouses don’t have to come,” will cut your guest list in half. Not to mention giving your sister’s husband the excuse he was looking for.

PLACE CARDS – Place cards are important, because you want to make sure your friend’s husband sits with all the other friends’ husbands that don’t know each other. You don’t want them accidentally sitting next to someone they happened to bump into at the wedding that they actually know because that would just be chaos, and would probably lead to someone ending up at the kids table eating hot dogs. But once in a while I venture out into the hallway during the dancing because I don’t know anyone there, and I look at the place cards of the people who didn’t show up in case I maybe know one of them, for all the good it will do me, and—How do you like that? According to the place cards, the kallah’s parents didn’t show up! Nor did the chosson!

Do we really have to waste money making place cards for the baalei simcha? You might think it’s cute and funny when you make the card, but I have never once seen a chosson and kallah standing out there going, “But where will we sit?” (“Don’t ask me, I didn’t get an invitation. How about the kids’ table?”) This is another issue that wouldn’t come up if we just had a shmorg.

Those are just some of the ideas I have. Sure, you won’t save that much money, but that is just a small price to pay. Isn’t it?

Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist for The Jewish Press, and has written 4 books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire (as well as stand-up comedy). You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to MSchmutter_gmail.com

by Mordechai Schmutter