This week we’re running a newsletter for your kids’ day camp, because yes, the camp gives out newsletters on Friday, but your kid’s not going to camp so he can remember to bring home papers.

Camp Newsletter

Volume 18, Number 72

Wow! Another exciting week at Camp Gan Yerek! The achdus here is so palpable you can smell it. Well, except that another war broke out between the colors. Here are some of the things we did in camp this week, in case you have the kind of child who insists he did “nothing,” despite the fact that he clearly did something because he’s wet, missing one shoe and covered in rubber cement.

Uniform Distribution

Official camp T-Shirts will be distributed before Trip Day, IY”H. All campers must wear their T-shirts on trip days, so they can remember at a glance which camp they came in with. Also, we need to be able to make sure we don’t accidentally bring back kids that didn’t come with the camp.

But they’re not just for trips! From now on, every Tuesday is T-shirt Tuesday! If we see you wearing your T-shirt, you’ll be given a raffle ticket worth less than a cent, which you will then proceed to put in the laundry! With your T-shirt!

Best in Learning!

Mazel tov to the kids who won Best in Learning this week! We hope they’ll continue even after it occurs to them that there isn’t going be a test!

Sports Authorities

The leagues are finally up and running! And batting, and fielding, and sitting on a bus—all the regular things that baseball players do.

In general, league play will happen for whatever sports we deem necessary. This week, the leagues played baseball, football, soccer and a game called “Let’s See Who Can Stop Making Noise on the Bus for the Longest.” This is much better than the professional leagues, who only ever play the same one sport every single day. That’s no fun. Though the money probably makes up for it.

Let’s take a look at the stats:

As you can see, all the teams played sports, and they either won or they didn’t. But really, how much do the numbers matter? We’re not even sure we did this chart right.

Noshing Left

After many weeks of delayed starts, the canteen is officially open for business! But they’re out of everything.

(“Gan Yerek: We put the ‘Can’t’ in ‘Canteen.’”)

Arts, Crafts and Duct Tape

This week we started making wallets out of duct tape. The kids are very excited, because they think the last step is that we’re going to fill them with money. We haven’t finished them yet, though. If you don’t know what you’re doing and you just throw it together, you can end up accidentally taping your money into your wallet. And then you’ll never get it out. They make that tape strong enough to tie down ducts. Or possibly ducks.

I’m Game!

On Monday, bunks Tes Zayin, Yud Zayin and for some reason, Chaf Zayin, had a Yarn Hunt. Because crocheting is more exciting when you have to hunt for the yarn first. They did not have an easy time, though. Next year we’re going to try hiding some yarn beforehand.

Color War!

On Wednesday, the counselors had some convoluted fight in front of the entire camp while all the kids sat there awkwardly. And before we even finished this fight, all the older kids were already yelling “Color war! Color war!” because that’s what the kids always assume when things go wrong in camp. The head counselor could keel over with a heart attack, and the kids would just keep yelling, “Color war! Color war!”

Why do these colors keep fighting! It seems like they just fought last year! Your mother always said that red and blue clash, but she never said it involved competitive bentching.

For Monday, please wear something that is the same color as the team that you’re on. We’re going to pretend not to notice that we gave one team a nice, easy-to-wear color, like blue or black, and the other is like yellow or red or some other color that your kid has absolutely zero clothes of. Last year, half the kids on Team Yellow showed up in raincoats.

We don’t know yet who’s going to win color war, but it’s going to be by two points.

Tripping and Bouncing

On Tuesday morning, we left bright and early (mostly early) to go to Boing-Boing—an indoor trampoline park with one of the scariest waivers we’ve ever read. Everyone had a great time, and the place did not at all smell like feet.

Shirt Shrift

With the success of T-Shirt Tuesdays, there’s been a movement by the rebbeim to start something called White-Shirt Wednesdays. Probably because they want ices and raffle tickets. Should we start this? Should everyone wear white shirts on Wednesdays? Is it a good idea to eat ices in a white shirt? Is this why the rebbeim wear ties? Look out for more movements regarding for Mauve-Shirt Mondays, Fuschia-Shirt Fridays and Turtleneck Thursdays.

By Mordechai Schmutter

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia, The Jewish Press and Aish.com, among others. He also has five books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].