There are two types of families when it comes to making Shabbos: those who are ready by chatzos on Friday, and those where the husband is getting into the shower as his wife lights the candles. And there’s no one in between. It doesn’t matter whether Shabbos starts late or early. And neither of these groups will ever consider doing it the other way. The first group enjoys the lack of last-minute panic with which the second group races into Shabbos before finally catching its breath sometime in the middle of the rav’s Friday night drasha, and the second group enjoys that their Shabbos food is a lot fresher.
But no matter what, both groups want to do their prep as efficiently and in as little time as possible to make their various deadlines, and as someone who is always up against deadlines, here are some tips to keep you organized.
You can guess which group I’m in.—Instead of sitting down to any “meals” on Friday, make sure to taste absolutely everything you make or buy, only stopping when you’re at the point where you’re not sure if there will be enough for the seudah.—You should look up what time candle-lighting is no less than five times over the course of your Friday.
—No matter how many times you’ve made Shabbos, you should be awful at estimating exactly how much food you need, and make enough food to feed your entire block. You should then spend the rest of Shabbos trying to get people from your block to come in and eat some of it.—Make sure to fill the whole, entire hot water urn so the family can have their maybe two cups of coffee.
—Your cholent is not a weekly science experiment. Especially if you’re having guests. “You know what we put in the cholent this week? We put in orange juice, we put in mayonnaise…” What are you doing? Think about the best cholents you’ve ever had in your life, such as the one made by the rebbetzin of your grandparents’ shul. Do you think your grandmother’s rebbetzin put mayonnaise in the cholent? No! She put in actual kishkas, though.
—No matter how many times you wash your blueberries, every blueberry you have ever eaten has been dropped out of the fridge in a container that burst open when it hit the floor and somebody yelled, “Noooo!” and tried to get them all back into the container before someone else walked into the room. (“Did someone just yell, “No!”?” “No.”)—Don’t forget to buy food for Shalosh Seudos. It doesn’t just have to be hard-boiled eggs and leftover gefilte fish.—Make sure to touch the sides of the crock pot about seven to eight times over the course of the day to be sure it’s on.
—The shower roster should be as follows: Most of the day no one should want to go in the shower, despite how many times the woman of the house brings this up. And then about 45 minutes before Shabbos, everyone should want to go in at once. Just as the person in the kitchen is washing dishes.—Whoever showers last has to be in charge of remembering not to turn off the bathroom light afterward.
—If you’re having guests, then while you’re going all out to impress your guests with the food you’re making, make sure to go out a little bit with the drinks, too, instead of proudly announcing, after the meal starts, “We all just drink seltzer here!” Or making your guests go explore your fridge. If this is where you draw the line for some reason, then at least maybe when your guests ask what they should bring, then instead of saying, “Just bring yourselves,” you can suggest they bring something to drink.
—There is a minhag to have a child cut toilet paper before Shabbos. It doesn’t matter how many boxes of tissues you have in the house. Part of this might be about giving your kids jobs they can’t possibly mess up to get them out of your hair. (“Hey, you like ripping things?” “Do I!?”)—If you have kids, you should also be tearing paper towels.
—Don’t forget to turn on your Shabbos lamp, unless you still haven’t turned it off from last week.—Try to remember to pick up your clothes from the cleaners sometime before you get out of the shower. Perhaps while you’re in the shower, I guess.—If someone is mopping the floor and you need to get across, you should take giant steps and walk on the sides of your feet as slowly and deliberately as you can and be in their way as long as possible to show them how sorry you are.—A not-so-great way to save time when polishing your shoes and your silver is to do them at once.
—Don’t forget to call your relatives on Friday. Erev Shabbos is a great time to talk to relatives on the phone, because if someone wants to end the call, they can just say, for example, “I have to go; the guests just showed up with raw chicken,” and no one will question it.—If you only have one light-switch cover, use it to cover the one in the bathroom.
—People are very good about putting away all their muktzah grown-up toys, but you should also make sure to put away all your muktzah children’s toys, especially if you’re going to have guests and it is not obviously a muktzah toy and your guest will crouch down and say to his kid, “You can play with this!” and then accidentally turn it on.—A lot of these guides say, “Make sure to set up your candlesticks,” but I find that that’s the one thing that you won’t suddenly realize you’ve forgotten after you’ve lit candles. We have never once woken up on a Friday night and sat bolt upright in bed: “Candlesticks!”
Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected]
