Every year, around Presidents’ Day, I write an article on one of our presidents in which I list some fun facts about their lives, or at least the ones that are appropriate for a humor article. Like with some presidents, it’s like, Fun Fact: He had six kids, but only two of them made it to adulthood.
Whoo! That was fun.
So this year, we’re up to Thomas Jefferson. Last year, I wrote about John Adams, and next year, I’ll write about… the fourth president, whose name I definitely intend to look up before then.
Thomas Jefferson is one of the few presidents that the average person can name, possibly because his face is on a mountain, along with Washington, Lincoln and Whatshisname.—Jefferson was married to a woman named Martha Wayles Skelton Jefferson, in accordance with the law back then that to be president, you had to have a wife named Martha. Also your wife had to be your third cousin.—A man ahead of his time, Thomas Jefferson opposed slavery. And his 600 slaves all agreed with him.—One of his daughters was named Martha, but she was not named for his wife. She was named in honor of Martha Washington. I did not know this was a loophole for not naming after living relatives.—The older Martha died in 1782 because of complications from childbirth. Not her own childbirth, obviously. The childbirth of one of her kids.
Jefferson wrote the pamphlet “A Summary View of the Rights of British America,” which declared that the British had no right to exercise authority over the colonies. The British did not read it.—All his friends loved it, though, and they put Jefferson on the famous “Committee of Five” whose job it was to write the Declaration of Independence. This committee also included John Adams of Massachusetts, Benjamin Franklin of Pennsylvania, Robert Livingston of New York, and Roger Sherman, who you’re pretty sure is the president of your local Young Israel.
Jefferson thought he would definitely be the second president, in 1797, but he came in second. The winner was John Adams, and as was the rule at the time, whoever came in second had to be the vice president, which if you ask us is not a great way to keep the president alive.—He then ran against Adams in the election of 1800, which turned into one of the most mudslinging campaigns in U.S. history, where they shouted at each other during the debates, accused each other of collusion with the French, and then in a particularly heated moment, Adams called Jefferson “Abraham Lincoln.”—At the end of the election, Adams came in second, which technically would have made him Jefferson’s vice president. It was at this point that Adams decided to retire.
Jefferson was a pretty casual president. In fact, there’s a story in which some man encountered him alone on horseback, and, not recognizing that he was the president, started a casual conversation as they rode along about how horrible he thought the president was. And then when they got to Jefferson’s house, Jefferson invited the guy in for a drink, and the guy said, “Wait… Who are you?” And he replied, “Thomas Jefferson.” And the guy turned all kinds of colors, and said, “My name is Haines!” and rode off into the night.—For like a hundred years afterward, people who wanted to escape an awkward situation would scurry out of the room, shouting, “My name is Haines!” Look it up.
Speaking of casual, Jefferson often greeted people at the White House in his robe and slippers. They would ask, “Did I wake you?” And he’d say, “No.” And then there would be an awkward silence, and the person would yell, “My name is Haines!” and run away.
He also made formal White House dinners into more casual affairs. He was known to have served macaroni and cheese on more than one occasion, and he’s credited with introducing French fries to the United States.—Jefferson was the first president not to have a wife in the White House. In case you’re wondering why his official ceremonies served French fries and mac and cheese and he walked around in slippers with a bird on his shoulder.—I forgot to mention his bird.
Officially, the first lady was his daughter—the one with the same name as her mother. Dinner guests were very confused.—The cool thing about your daughter being the first lady is that if you say you’re having mac and cheese, you’re having mac and cheese.—In 1801, in his first year of presidency, Jefferson was presented with a 1,235-pound. wheel of cheese from the town of Cheshire, Massachusetts. It was made from the milk of 900 cows, and then shlepped down from Massachusetts on a sleigh in middle of the winter over a span of two months, if you factor in how many times it got loose and rolled down a hill and took out a small village. —Jefferson, who had a policy of not accepting gifts, paid $200 for the cheese.—We suspect that every mac and cheese dinner for the next eight years came from that wheel.—There is actually a record of the cheese still being around in March of 1804, at which point it was described as “very far from being good.” There are also accounts of it being served at a reception in 1805, and of the remainder being dumped in the Potomac at some date unknown.
Adams and Jefferson died on the same day—July 4th, 1826. Adams’ last words were “Thomas Jefferson survives!” But it turned out that Jefferson had actually died a few hours earlier, and no one had told him. So Adams died of embarrassment. “My name is Haines!”
Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].
