What do you buy for the person who has everything?
Well, first of all, it’s important to note that no one has everything. Even someone who has everything you could ever want doesn’t think he has everything. So the question, really, is what do you buy for the person who has everything you can afford? Or everything he wants?
And the answer is: Get him something he doesn’t actually want—something you know that he would never in a million years buy for himself.
Plus, it turns out that some of these things are relatively inexpensive! So win-win!
We’re here to help.
Our first gift, speaking of Chanukah, is a measuring tape belt ($20). This is a belt made out of measuring tape, so that you can tell at a glance how big your waist is. Well, actually you can’t; your stomach’s in the way. But everyone else can! Worried that you might be getting fat? Now you know for sure! This gift is perfect for people who want to proclaim their waist size to the world. It’s also a great item for when you go to buy pants and you forget what size you are, but you don’t want to first take a trip to the dressing room just to find out.
Also, if you think the person on your list needs to get more exercise, you can get him a goldfish walker. This is like a stroller for your goldfish. You attach a small, covered bowl to a bunch of bungee cords, and you can push it around on the street. This way, you can take your goldfish out on walks without looking like a weirdo, and make memories that will last a few minutes! Because honestly, the goldfish has no idea what’s happening. At most, it’s wondering why the scenery keeps changing and the water keeps sloshing and people keep saying, “Wow, what a cute… Oh.” So you’re really doing this for yourself, as motivation to get some exercise. Though arguably, you’d get more exercise carrying around a fish tank. But it’s something. At least it gives you a reason to get out of the house on a nice day! Or when it’s raining; the fish don’t care. Either way, this is the perfect gift you can use to tell someone, “You need to get out more. You spend way too much time with your fish.”
You can also get them a banana slicer ($6). This is a plastic device, sort of like an apple slicer (where you push it down on the fruit and it makes slices), but it’s shaped like a banana, obviously. We have so many devices for cutting round fruits, but what about bananas? How are you supposed to cut those? In general, until now, cutting bananas has always been just another one of those chores that was a pain to do. You have to get out the cutting board, go through the kitchen drawer looking for a knife or a reasonably stiff spatula… You know, because there’s nothing else that you carry around that will allow you to cut bananas, such as a credit card. Or a slinky. The only downside of this thing is that cleaning it makes up for all the time you’re saving up front.
There are also lots of great things to get parents, such as a piggyback driver. This is a helmet that’s designed to be worn by a father when he’s giving shoulder rides. And it has a handlebar on top so the kid can steer. So now you’re saying, “Actually the steering is a great idea. Because until now, he’s been steering through my ears.” This is why older men sometimes have larger ears. So maybe it’s a great idea. There’s also a horn your kids can push, which can be useful when you’re standing in line at the bank. Plus the helmet has turn signals, which your kid can use if he doesn’t want to crash into other fathers or people walking their goldfish. This is a perfect present for a woman to get her husband as a “thank you” for not helping her shop for presents. Though you’d think that if anyone should be wearing a helmet during a shoulder ride, it should be the kid, because of doorways.
Finally, if you’re looking for a gift for someone who always has his hands full, you can get them a wineglass holder necklace ($25). This is a necklace with a device from which you can suspend your wine glass, thereby freeing up both of your hands to grab more food or move furniture. But you know how it is. Sometimes you’re at a shmorg and you want to hold the plate and the fork and the knife, but what do you do with your glass? You don’t have 4 hands. I personally think it’s a great idea to wear a glass, because so many times at home I pour myself a drink and leave it on the kitchen counter, and then a half-hour later I wonder why I’m still thirsty. “And who keeps leaving cups on the counter?!” In fact, the only issue with this item might be leaving it dangling and forgetting it’s there. “Where did I put my wine? I just had it. Oh, there it is. On my shirt.” I can get to school, and my students will be like, “Mr. Schmutter, why are you wearing a drink?” So you might just leave the simcha hall with it still on by accident. Or wear it to a shmorg and forget to take it off before you walk your son down the aisle. (“What? Oh. That’s for him to break later.”) This will not look good for you if you get pulled over while driving, though. You can also put your goldfish in it. This is the perfect gift for the person who drinks that much wine and doesn’t own a table. It’s also great for the seder. Anyway, for the $25, you get a set of two. That way you can wear two different drinks around your neck. That’ll go over well with the cops.
Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He also has seven books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].
