Leah named her first son Reuven. The Gemara (Berachot 7b) says that by naming him Reuven, Leah [prophetically] imparted the following: See (“re’u”) the difference between my son (“ben”) and the son of my father-in-law (i.e., Yitzchak’s son Esav). Regarding Esav, the son of my father-in-law, even though he voluntarily sold his right of the firstborn to Yaakov, he harbored hatred towards Yaakov. However, in regard to my son Reuven, even though Yosef took the right of the firstborn from him against his will, as it is written, “and when he defiled his father’s bed his right of the firstborn was given to the sons of Yosef,” Reuven was not jealous of Yosef, [but rather he even tried to save Yosef’s life,] as it is written, “Reuven heard, and he rescued him from their hand.”
From Leah’s prophecy, we can learn a remarkably striking and profound difference between the character of Reuven and that of Esav’s: Esav willingly and consciously sold the bechorah to Yaakov, and yet, he harbored hatred against Yaakov afterwards because of the fact that Yaakov now had possession of the bechorah. Like Rav Yechezkel Levenstein says, despite the fact that he sold the bechorah totally on his own volition, he still wanted to kill Yaakov because of it (Ohr Yechezkel, 4, Omek Ha’Middot). At the other end of the spectrum, Reuven had the bechorah unwillingly taken away from him and bestowed upon Yosef, and yet, as Rav Levenstein notes, not only did Reuven not feel anger or hatred towards Yosef, he even tried to save him from his brother’s plot and exerted all his efforts and strength to return Yosef back to his father.
Reuven seemingly did not harbor any ill-will against Yosef, the very person who received the bechorah against Reuven’s will, and then showed such apparent concern and care for Yosef by exerting much effort to rescue him, perhaps reveals the incredible, super-human middot that Reuven maintained.
We might find a similar idea with Yaakov Avinu. Yaakov worked hard for Lavan for seven years in order to marry Rachel. He worked under quite difficult conditions, as Yaakov told Lavan, “These twenty years I have been with you … This is how I was: By day scorching heat consumed me, and frost by night; my sleep drifted from my eyes.” Yet, as we know, Yaakov ended up being deceived by Lavan, and instead married Leah. Can we imagine what one might feel in such an instance of working so hard for seven years to marry the person one loved, but then to be tricked?! And as Rav Simcha Zissel of Kelm (quoted by Darkei Mussar, Vayeitzei 28:12) points out, this incident was a tremendous disgrace to Yaakov! Yet, as Rav Yerucham Levovitz notes, it doesn’t state when this incident occurred that Yaakov got angry (Da’at Torah, Vayeitzei 29:25). Rav Elya Svei says, Yaakov calmly and serenely—without anger—asked Lavan, “Why have you deceived me”? As Rav Simcha Zissel of Kelm seems to point out, when Yaakov approached Lavan about the matter, our parsha (29:25) states, “Vayomer el Lavan” (“So he said to Lavan”); it doesn’t say he got angry at Lavan, or even “Vayedaberel Lavan,” but instead it states the word “Vayomer,” teaching us that Yaakov spoke softly, without anger.
Moreover, after being approached, Lavan told Yaakov, “ …we will give you the other one (Rachel) too, for the work which you will perform for me yet another seven years,” and that’s what Yaakov, in fact, did. Fascinatingly, the midrash (Bereishit Rabbah, 70:20) informs us that, in the case of Yaakov, “Just as the first [seven years of work] were complete [years], so too the latter [seven years of work] were complete [years]; [furthermore,] just as the first [seven years of work were carried out] in good faith, so too the latter [seven years of work were carried out] in good faith.” This can perhaps teach us that even though Yaakov was deceived by Lavan, Yaakov still worked diligently and honestly for him also during the second set of seven years.
Despite being a subject of Lavan’s outrageous act of deception, Yaakov did not get angry at Lavan, but instead spoke softly to him, and even worked diligently and faithfully for him afterwards, perhaps revealing the superhuman middot that Yaakov maintained. Like Rav Levenstein seems to learn after quoting the aforementioned midrash, Yaakov’s conduct in his work under Lavan is not demonstrative of human middot, but rather of Godly middot.
We can thus wonder, how, in fact, did Yaakov and Reuven attain such apparent strength of character, such lofty middot?
Rav Elya Svei seems to explain as follows: If a person believes that everything is dependent on Hashem, and everything that occurs is from Him and with His Providence, and that “A person cannot encroach upon what is set aside for his fellow by even a hairsbreadth” (Yoma 38b), so then even if a person did in fact manage to encroach or take something away, ultimately this was certainly from Hashem who made it happen, and without Hashem having it occur, it wouldn’t have been possible for that person to do whatever he did.
Hence, Reuven was certain that the bechorah was taken from him and bestowed upon Yosef because this was from Hashem who had decreed such. Thus, Reuven did not bear in his heart any grudge whatsoever against Yosef and even made tremendous efforts to try to save him. Similarly, Yaakov Avinu knew with certainty that if Lavan switched Rachel for Leah, ultimately, it was not Lavan who made the switch, but rather Hashem. Yaaakov knew that all of Lavan’s deceptive acts against him and all that which Lavan managed to take from him was all ultimately from Hashem who made it occur. As a result, there was no room for revenge. When a person believes that everything is ultimately from Hashem, it becomes irrelevant to harbor any ill-will towards his friend who took away something from him, for he knows that ultimately it wasn’t his friend who took it from him, but rather it was Hashem who took it from him and gave it to his friend (Ruach Eliyahu, Vayeitzei, ma’amer 28).
R’ Moshe Chaim Luzzatto writes: “Hatred and revenge, as well, are very difficult for the deluded heart of human beings to avoid. For a person is very sensitive to his humiliations and suffers great pain [because of them], and [thus] revenge is sweeter to him than honey, for it alone gives him comfort [from the pain]. Therefore, for one to have the fortitude to give up what his nature compels him, and to overlook his [natural] tendencies and not hate the one who aroused hatred within him, and not take revenge from him when he has the opportunity to take revenge, and not bear a grudge against him, but rather to forget it all and remove [it] from his heart as if it never happened, he must be strong and mighty. This would be easy only for the ministering angels among whom there are no such character traits, not for those who dwell in ‘earthen homes,’ (i.e., human beings with physical bodies,) whose origins are from the dust [of the earth]” (Mesilat Yesharim, Ch. 11).
Based on the above, we can suggest that by truly believing that everything we experience is ultimately from Hashem—including that which we experience in difficult interpersonal dealings—we can then perhaps attain the fortitude and develop the might and strength of character to overcome and transcend our human tendency toward hatred, revenge and bearing grudges, thus perhaps putting us on a plateau that is somewhat akin to angels and reflects the ways of our great ancestors, Yaakov Avinu and Reuven.
Binyamin is a graduate of Yeshivas Rabbeinu Yitzchak Elchanan, and Wurzweiler School of Social Work
