If there’s one thing people enjoy about a Friday Purim, it’s complaining about it.
As far as complaining goes, Friday Purim ranks up there with Yom Kippur on Shabbos, Thursday night Motzoei Pesach, and a three-day Yom Tov when the second day is Simchas Torah.
But what are people complaining about? It’s not the fast because the fast is on Thursday, like it seems to be every year. Taanis Esther is almost always on a Thursday, somehow. Science has not figured this out.
No, it’s about the lack of time during the day. We’re supposed to eat most of the seudah before 1, and people like doing their mishloach manos deliveries before the seudah because they get drunk at the seudah and then they can’t drive. Alternatively, they don’t drink as much as they usually do, then they take a nap and wake up right before Shabbos and say, “Um, did we cook for Shabbos, though?”
If you think this is tough, Yerushalayim has Purim Meshulash, which is a three-day Purim.
Would you rather have a three-day Purim, or a half-day Purim?
The answer to that is 100% dependent on what stage of life you’re in.
That said, I think we should embrace the differences of this year with these tips for surviving the half-day Purim. It’s impossible to do all of these tips (especially in the time given), so do whichever ones work for you:
Stay up all Thursday night. You can’t do any of the mitzvos of Purim, but you can definitely cook.
You can also take your Shabbos shower in the middle of the night. And then all that will be left to do before Shabbos, after all the mitzvot of Purim, is to take your much-needed post-Purim shower, and you’re done!
Figure out if there’s a way that you can drink a certain amount at night until you’re just on the edge of being inebriated enough, and then, as soon as it becomes daytime, you drink that last part, and you’re there. If you don’t know how much drinking does this for you, you should practice a bunch of times before Purim with different amounts of alcohol. V’tov l’hachmir bazeh.
I would also advise giving out your mishloach manos in the middle of the night. You really only have to give one during the day, so there’s no reason the rest can’t be given at night. For one thing, traffic is better! Just ring people’s doorbells at 4 in the morning and they will be really appreciative to you for giving them this idea! (“There’s a pirate at the door.” “And you’re… What are you? An old-timey grandpa?” “These are my pajamas.” “Okay…”)
This is also when you should be sending your bochurim to collect.
At the end of the night, daven k’vasikin, then start your deliveries if you haven’t done so already. Many of your friends will be at shul, so that’s the perfect time. They can find you later. Yes, Purim is about getting together and seeing other people, but—and I don’t know if you’ve noticed this—other people make things take more time.
Take your mishloach manos delivery cues from your paperboy.
When buying food for Purim, do not forget to buy food for Shabbos at the same time. Also, everyone you know is going to give you a Shabbos-themed mishloach manos. So you’re going to have double the food you need for Shabbos. So on second thought, maybe don’t buy any food for Shabbos.. But then with your luck, no one will give you a Shabbos theme. And we all know that Purim is the holiday of luck. It’s very nice of your friends to assume that you forgot Shabbos was coming.
Put your costume on under your Shabbos clothing so you can rip your Shabbos clothes off in shul right after Megillah and start your deliveries. Maybe put a second suit on under the costume so you can do the same thing right before Shabbos.
Don’t deal with costumes and makeup in the morning. Have your kids sleep in their costumes. You can wash their pillows on Motzoei Shabbos.
For just this year, don’t choose any costumes that make it hard to get in and out of the car.
Encourage your kids to wear costumes that would be appropriate for Shabbos as well, such as—for boys—Mordechai Hatzaddik, a magician, and a fancy waiter; and for girls, Queen Esther, a mommy, or a kallah.
When it comes to teachers, don’t wait for your kids to go into the house, stand in line to take pictures with the teacher and come back out. Instead, drop them off outside and come back later, while your next kid is in his teacher’s house. Also maybe have pictures of your child in costume printed out beforehand so that when their morahs say, “We have to get a picture!” you can just hand them the photograph and get a move on.
The key to mishloach manos is the shliach. So the day before Purim, deliver all your packages to the next-door neighbors of the people you actually want to give, with instructions to deliver them on Purim. maybe along with a tip. (The going rate is a dollar.) This will cut picture times as well. (“And this is your teacher with her neighbor, and our mishloach manos!”)
If you leave one or two mishloach manos packages out on your doorstep, people will assume you’re not home and just leave theirs there too.
Instead of an elaborate three-course seudah, put it all in a blender. That way it looks the same going down as it does coming back up.
You know how they say that you don’t really have to get drunk,you can just drink a little more than usual and then go to sleep and you’re yotzeh? I wonder if maybe there’s a heter here that you don’t really have to have a whole big seudah, you just eat a little more than usual and take a nap. Your seudah can be you and your family noshing on the cholent while standing around the crockpot.
Whatever you do to save time, do not drive drunk, people! Also, do not drive drunk people. Unless it’s their car.
Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].
