In this day and age of computers doing everything for us, one of the few things that we still have to do manually is set up a new computer.

And this can be very confusing. So we might as well help each other through it.

The first step in getting a new computer is to decide what is the best computer for you. Most computer experts will tell you that you have two basic choices: a desktop or a laptop. A laptop sits on your lap, although you can use it on a desk, and a desktop sits on a desk, although technically you can use it on your lap and the laps of maybe two other people. So there are more differences than just the names.

For example, one factor to consider is how many people generally stand behind you staring at the screen when you’re on the computer. Especially when they’re supposed to be in bed. With a laptop, there is generally one optimal angle to see the screen, so unless you want everyone cheek-to-cheek, you might want to get a desktop with a huge monitor. Your other option is to put all the other people on your lap, but then where will the laptop go?

And then there’s the matter of price: One of the downsides of a laptop is that it’s more expensive. On the other hand, one of the downsides of a desktop is that you have to buy a desk first. On the other hand, when you need to, you can just shut the laptop and move it out of the way. Whereas with a desktop, the way it works is that it has its own room—your kids don’t even have their own rooms—and it stays on from Shabbos to Shabbos. It’s much harder to just schlep around when you need to.

You, at a meeting: “Let me show you what I’m talking about. One minute…”

Co-worker: “Can we help you plug things into the back?”

You, from under the conference table: “No, I’ve got this…Why do we only have two outlets down here?”

And that’s another thing: With a desktop, you get to crawl around under the desk and plug in wires. With a laptop, I’m not sure where you’re supposed to crawl. There’s no desk.

Anyway, once you’ve chosen a computer, you need to bring it home—sometimes through several trips back and forth to the store—and put it all together. Setting up a computer is about much more than just plugging it in and turning it on.

First you want to call your father-in-law. Or at least my father-in-law. Technically, it doesn’t have to be anyone’s father-in-law, but there should probably be someone in your life who knows what they’re doing with computers, blind, over the phone. In my experience, whoever it is will be more than happy to take your call.

If you don’t want to call your father-in-law, have your wife call him. That’s what I do, anyway. My wife always sets up my computer. This is a tradition that goes way back to when we used to share a computer, back when I wasn’t working on it 24/6. But this tradition continues even today, because when I get a new computer, it’s generally because she got it for me as a Chanukah gift or something because she’s gotten sick of hearing me yell at my current computer and thinking I’m yelling at her. I do help, mostly by getting stuff for her and stressing about how many deadlines I’m missing because of this whole set-up process and how this computer better be lightning fast or else the whole thing isn’t worth it. Whereas when she gets a new computer, do you know who sets it up?

Still her.

You will need: Desk. Screwdriver. No, the other screwdriver. Three to four power strips. Father-in-law. Tehillim. Someone to stand behind you while you’re crawling around and pass you wires behind the desk and say, “Do you have it? It’s the one that’s wiggling.” One of those helmets with a flashlight on the front.

Once your wife is finished diddling around inside the computer cabinet, your next step is to put the computer in a place that is not well-ventilated and will suck up as much dust and sock lint as possible, such as under your desk. Your next step is to pull it back out so you can plug everything into the back. Every peripheral device that you own has at least two wires coming off of it—one that goes into the computer and one that goes into the wall. Sometimes there’s a third, so they could go into each other.

So at this point, you want to plug in your speakers and monitors and mouse and keyboard and printer. Even if you have a wireless mouse, you still have to plug it in. It’s not a plugless mouse. Make sure to also plug in those wires that you’re not really sure what they do but they’re underneath your desk and you had them plugged into the previous computer for some reason.

Make sure to pre-tangle all your wires while you’re at it.

Also don’t forget to plug in your printer. If your printer is installed properly, the “low toner” light should be blinking and the paper tray should be jammed with the piece of paper that it prints out to show that it’s working properly.

But even after all these steps, you’re still not finished. There’s a whole bunch of set-up to be done after you turn the computer on, which means that you’re never going to get to your article. Or, you know, whatever it is you need to get to. So we’ll continue this next week, by which time hopefully this whole process will be over and we can go back to yelling at our computers. Instead of our wives.

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He also has seven books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].