April 19, 2024
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April 19, 2024
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Councilmembers Seal Deal on Turkey Migrants

Headlines this year have been full of migrants fleeing various factions. One can read in any newspaper that, by air and by sea, migrants have made their way across the vast expanses, seeking only to live their lives free from fear. Our community is certainly no stranger to such wide variances in migration patterns, since many local residents have migrated ourselves from the Upper West Side, Washington Heights or Riverdale.

Last week Teaneck Councilmen Alan Sohn, Mohammed Hameeduddin and Mark Schwartz (who is also JLNJ’s co-publisher), Planning Board Member Keith Kaplan and Deputy Mayor Elie Katz met at the corner of Churchill and Highgate Terrace with Bergenfield Councilwoman and Police Commissioner Ora Kornbluth as well as Zoning Board Chairman Shimmy Stein, to discuss a topic of great importance for the Teaneck and Bergenfield jurisdictions.

“Turkeys are migrating between our two towns with alarming speed, and some of them are quite abusive,” said Schwartz, who noted he continues to serve as JLNJ’s co-publisher. “One time, a turkey squawked at my car while I admired its plumage and took a photo. I was so scared,” he added.

“A 50-pound Tom turkey was blocking one of the entrances to Congregation Keter Torah and attacked at least two residents, and those residents are certainly not in favor of rampant residential development. The reports have been passed on to the Township Manager,” wrote Councilman Sohn on Facebook.

“Why does it matter whether the turkey is a Tom or a Thomasina? Do they all have names now?” asked Schwartz, just to annoy Sohn. “And why didn’t you indicate whether the Township Manager is a Tom or a William, or whatever?” he asked insightfully, noting that he is still JLNJ’s co-publisher.

“See local wildlife right outside your window. This is going to send our residential ratables sky-high,” noted Hameeduddin. “Wait, do we want ratables high or low, I forgot,” he asked.

“Let’s just shoot ‘em,”* said Kaplan.

“Wild turkeys are a protected species,” countered Kornbluth. “We can’t pave the roads because that’s their natural habitat,” she added, as nearby Highgate Terrace residents disappeared into a crater.

“Fresh game, yes. That is exactly what makes them so delicious,” said Katz, who coincidentally owns Chopstix, Teaneck’s premiere kosher Chinese takeout restaurant. “Where are they right now, exactly?” he asked, gathering up his papers, and loading a stun rifle. “Does anyone know a good shochet, available on short notice?” he asked Teaneck Shuls from his phone.

“Do they have waivers?” Sohn asked, eyeing Katz and Hameeduddin meaningfully. “It would be irresponsible if any turkeys were double-dipping, even if there is a grandfather clause.”

“As long as they have permits, it’s no problem,” said Stein and Kaplan simultaneously.

“Who needs permits? The shochets or the turkeys?” asked Kornbluth.

In the end, Teaneck’s Town Manager, who turned out to be a William after all, released a statement entitled, “Preventing Conflict With Wild Turkeys,” which was exclusively disseminated by Stephen Gruber, on his website, “End the Baldness.” Bergenfield, as usual, did not respond to repeated requests for comment. But the mayor texted after the paper already went to press, and said that Highgate Terrace will for sure probably happen sometime before Purim 2055.

*No turkeys were eaten during the writing of this news article. Well, maybe a little. But I got it from the fridge, not my yard.

By Klizabeth Eratz

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