We’re always talking about new innovations in the field of science and art, but there are also new innovations in the field of being a criminal.
For example, a couple of years ago, a woman in California was arrested for going on a cheek-pinching spree. She’d pinch little kids’ cheeks while their parents’ backs were turned. And these were kids she didn’t even know. Apparently the law is you have to know the child, at least. Who knew?
Criminals are always inventing new crimes, possibly under the theory that the cops can’t arrest you if they have no precedent for it. Our founding fathers never said you can’t pinch cheeks. Since when is that illegal?
Sure, you can always ask, “What could the guy possibly have to gain by doing these crimes?” but that’s just a side detail. There’s something to be said for being the first one to do something.
For example, in June, police in Arizona responded to a call about shots being fired, and when they confronted the suspect, he told officers he’d been shooting at the moon.
Do people do this a lot? That would explain the craters.
Why would someone be upset at the moon? I understand shooting at the sun or the clouds for messing up your day, but what does the moon do? It affects the tides? The guy lives in Arizona!
Maybe he thought the moon was following him.
Or maybe he was hunting. Everyone would be like, “Where did the moon go?” And you walk into his den and there it is, hanging on his wall. And everything is slowly getting pulled over to it.
“You like it? It really brings the room together.”
And speaking of messing with nature, in August, a Nebraska man was arrested after police found him driving his SUV with no headlights at 2:30 in the morning. Because that wasn’t all he was doing. When police were questioning him, they saw several chickens in the backseat, looking out the window at them. Then the cops did that thing where you press your face against the glass to peer in, and they’re like, “Whoa, there must be a hundred chickens back there!”
And there were. A hundred chickens. That’s way too many chickens. How many chickens do you need to pack? The most chickens I ever drive around with is no chickens. But this is definitely why you get an SUV. Are you gonna get 100 chickens into your Honda Fit? No. You can either get 100 chickens into a car or get into small parking spots. Not both. And this was Nebraska, so with did he need with good parking?
(“OK, I’m here with the chickens, but I’m parked two blocks away. We’re going to have to walk back and forth.”)
I’m sure you wonder what kind of motivation someone would have for transporting that many chickens at once, besides kaparos. But sometimes you have chickens, and you need to get them from point A to point B, and you’re like, “How many trips do you think I’m going to make, already? I have 100 chickens, and this car has like 8 seatbelts!”
In the end, the chickens were adopted by farmers. I love that expression: “adopted.” At what age do you tell your chickens they’re adopted?
“Wait. We’re adopted?”
Finally, a couple of years ago, a man in Sandusky, OH, was arrested for cutting grass in a public park.
“Hey! That’s not your grass!”
Is that really a reason to get arrested? Did they think he was stealing the grass?
“Hey! He’s making off with the park!”
Even if he brings it home, what’s he gonna do with it? Open a new park? Put it on his wall and have everything else in the room slowly move toward it?
What happened was that the man had noticed that the grass in his local park was over 12 inches long, which might not be something busy people notice. And it didn’t look like anyone official was getting to it, so he decided to cut it himself.
A few minutes after he started, workers told him to stop, for some reason, and he said, “No!” for some reason. It was a ridiculous conversation, all while yelling over the mower.
So the workers showed him a list that said this lawn was scheduled to be cut at some point, and he told them to cut a different lawn. He said he was saving the city money, probably to the people who would’ve made that money, so it wasn’t a great argument.
Then the police came and told him to stop. And he refused again. He was really determined to save the city money, even if it meant extra work for the cops.
So what followed was a low-speed chase.
Okay, just kidding. What followed was that they arrested him.
My point is that it’s important that we talk about these stories, because now you know that these things are illegal. Otherwise you might do them yourself, by accident, and you’ll be all, “But I didn’t know!” Like you’ll accidentally mow the park, or shoot the breeze or help chickens cross the road.
Okay, that last one was bad. I’ll show myself out.
By Mordechai Schmutter
Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia, The Jewish Press and Aish.com, among others. He also has five books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].
