Having a job is stressful. Not having a job is plenty stressful too, I suppose, but even when you have a job, you never know when you’re going to do something that’ll get you fired.

“No,” you’re thinking. “I pretty much do know what it would take to get myself fired, and my plan is to try to avoid doing those things.”

But you don’t know everything. It turns out that you can actually get fired for any number of reasons.

For example, last year, two employees were fired from a national sandwich chain for playing jump rope with the bread dough.

Um, what were they supposed to do during recess?

So apparently, this is not how sandwich places stretch the bread for those six-foot heroes. So what do they do, then? Just swing it over their heads like a lasso?

Imagine finding out that your bubby does this with the challah every Friday.

Okay, so the truth is that you don’t know what your bubby does to the challah. Suffice it to say that she was the rope-jumping champion of her Bais Yaakov, back when all kids had to play with at recess was various lengths of rope. But for all you know, this is your bubby’s secret recipe.

And the employees were surprised they got fired. They were like, “What, so you’re saying it’s okay for the guy in the back of the pizza shop to play Frisbee with the dough, but I can’t jump rope?”

Yes, that’s exactly what we’re saying. Jumping rope with dough is disgusting. Especially the way I jump rope. The way I do it in workout class is that first of all I’m pretty sweaty, but second of all, I basically keep my ears open, and the way I know when it’s time to jump is when I hear the rope hit the floor. So I don’t know if I can judge. People would be nauseated watching me jump rope even if I wasn’t doing it with bread dough.

Meanwhile, in April, an 88-year-old Walmart greeter in Wisconsin was fired after a wild turkey walked into the store and he didn’t greet it.

Just kidding. He did greet it.

I don’t know. He was fired for not stopping it. But what was he supposed to do? Those things are scary. They name an alcoholic drink after it for a reason.

When asked for comment, store management said that he should have gotten it out of the store. But how? He’d have to walk it all the way to the exit doors, which are not near the entrance doors. And then he’d have to get it through the checkouts, and the cashiers would be like, “Are you buying anything?” And he’d have to say, “I came in with this.”

On the one hand, the managers are saying that he should have at least reported it. But on the other hand, have you seen some of the characters who walk into Walmart? That probably wasn’t the strangest thing he’d seen that day. If he had to run and get management every time something weird walked into Walmart, he’d never be near the door.

Also, where’s the guy who’s supposed to be watching the cameras?

And it’s not just humans who are in danger of being fired. In June, a police dog in Australia was fired for being too friendly. According to officials, “He did not display the necessary aptitude for a life on the front line,” especially since one of the things he loved best in all the world was meeting strangers, which is definitely not something you want in a dog that’s supposed to be helping catch hardened criminals.

At the end of the day, if you’re supposed to be chasing a suspect and instead you’re rolling over and trying to get him to rub your belly, police work might not be for you. And the same goes for dogs.

The dog’s name, by the way, is Gavel, which is supposed to sound imposing, like he’s dropping the hammer on criminals. Because apparently you don’t have ruach hakodesh when you name dogs. His father’s a police dog and his brother’s a police dog, but apparently nepotism can only get you so far in police work.

But if you think it’s hard to get an overly friendly dog to bark at criminals, try getting him to understand that he’s been fired.

But at least this dog landed on his feet. Lest you think Gavel is spending the rest of his days in line at the unemployment office, he’s actually been adopted by the governor of Queensland, Paul de Jersey (lit. Paul the Jersey), and he now holds the official title of “Vice Regal Dog,” which sounds like an official government position that comes with a pension and health insurance.

If he’s the vice regal dog, is there a regal dog? I don’t know how dog politics work.

And Gavel has duties. According to his contract, his job is to welcome visitors and attend official ceremonies. So he’s like the first lady.

My point is that if you don’t want to be fired from your job, it’s not just about being nice and doing your job well. You also don’t want to be too nice, you don’t want to take your job title so seriously that you can’t adapt to new circumstances if they come in the door, but you also don’t want to be too creative, especially during break time.

That said, if all else fails, you can always get a job as vice-regal dog or something. Apparently, those don’t have to be voted in, for some reason.

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He also has seven books out and does stand-up comedy.
You can contact him at [email protected].