We are sure you have noticed over the last little while that we are deeply disturbed by the dating scene and the precursor to having a date. Many necessary steps need to be taken prior to even the possibility of two people meeting. The “piece de resistance,” of course, is the widely accepted resume. The first time we heard about this ridiculous concept, we asked what a resume looked like. We are about to offer you a glimpse of what the average dating resume looks like and then we will offer our own suggestions of what should be on a resume—if it is really needed to begin with: (Note: All info is fictitious)
We present—THE RESUME
YENTEL FRUMSTER
Birthday: 10/04/1996
Height: 5’ 3”
Address: 437 New Bridge Road, Bergenfield, NJ 07621
Shul: Congregation Ahavat Bnai Yisroel
Father: Rabbi Mordechai Frumster—Musmach of Yeshivas Ben Torah—Mashgiach
Mother: Mrs. Penina Frumster—Chulent Maker and Challah Baker
Siblings: Toby (27) Owner—Star Electrolysis, married to George Klapfleisch
NYU Law School 2015
Tikki (Tikvah) (24), dance school manager specializing in simcha dance
Married to Tzviki, Chazzar—chazzan Cong. Behemoth Rabbah
Rafael (20), Learning in Yeshivas Torah Orah Orah
Education:
Morah Mitzi’s Gan—New Milford
Elementary—Yeshivas Migdal Gevinah
High School—Toras Sara, Rivka, Rachel
Seminary—Midreshet Sassan V’Simcha
Camp and Extracurricular—Babysitter for Rabbi Shmeel Putterman’s children
Camp Gan Rina—Director of Canteen
Camp Pru Urvu—Head Counselor
Volunteer Driver to Jets and Mets Games for special people
References:
Mr. Shlumpy and Mrs. Tubby Tachlis (parents’ best friend) 585 472 8994
Muttie and Pazzy Lazarup (Pazzy, best friend of applicant) 382 444 8912
Rabbi Shmeel Putterman—Rav Cong. Ahavat B’nai Yisroel 613 613 4487
Okay, friends, that is approximately what today’s average resume looks like, give or take a few items, and it was obviously written quite tongue in cheek.
The following are our suggestions of what should appear on a resume, although we despise the entire idea, including obviously the applicant’s name and parents’ name.
Does the applicant do chesed? Please articulate details.
Does the applicant know enough to greet people warmly when he or she meets them?
Would the applicant feel comfortable in the company of a person with special needs?
How frequently does the applicant go to visit patients in hospitals and/or seniors living in assisted living facilities?
How frequently does the applicant speak with his or her parents?
Does the applicant have a loving and caring relationship with his or her siblings?
Does the applicant show honor and respect to women/men?
Does the applicant realize that the world is made up of all different kinds of people?
When was the last time the applicant gave tzedakah?
Does the applicant value appearance more than sincerity?
Does the applicant notice the whiteness of snowflakes as they fall?
When was the last time the applicant noticed the flowers growing and the trees budding?
Does the applicant measure a person’s success by the size of his/her house?
Does the applicant wish the cashier in a store a “great day”?
Does the applicant hold the door open for those before or after him/her?
Does the applicant (if it is a male) hold the door open for his date, or does he wait for her as she stands on the sidewalk while he is already in the building/restaurant?
There are so many other questions we feel are so much more important than calling the best friends of the applicant’s parents to get information on the person. Does anyone honestly believe that any name on the reference list would ever say anything negative about the person?
Where on that ridiculous application is there any way to find out if the person is a mentsch? If our “few questions” were submitted and sincerely answered and thought over, perhaps we could get the ball rolling more quickly. Get ready for another option, in another article: How to change the entire system to make it normal again!
By Rabbi Mordechai and Nina Glick
Rabbi Mordechai and Nina Glick are living in Bergenfield after many years of service to the Montreal Jewish community. They can be reached at [email protected].
