Despite making his life miserable, when his brothers cast him into the pit and sold him into slavery, Yosef cared for his family during the years of famine. And yet, they could never let go of the nagging feeling in the backs of their minds that it was all just a show. No sooner would their father die than Yosef would wreak his revenge upon them. It only made sense for him to punish them for their cruelty.
That awful day finally arrived. Yaakov had passed awayand they’d buried him in Canaan. Upon returning to Egypt, Yosef’s brothers sent word to him: “Your father instructed us before his death, saying, ‘So shall you say to Yosef: Please, forgive now your brothers’ transgression and their sin, for they did evil to you. Now please forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father.’”
They then fell to their knees before him and declared, “Behold, we are your slaves.”
Yosef began to weep. He then responded, “Don’t be afraid. Am I God’s substitute? Indeed, you intended evil against me, but God redesigned your plans for the good. I was sent here to bring about the economic miracle you have witnessed in Egypt. God sent me to keep everyone alive! So now, do not fear. I shall sustain you and your children.” And he comforted them and spoke to their hearts.
***
Today’s daf discusses a father’s prerogative to identify another individual as his child for inheritance purposes and what happens if he amends his designation. If we believe him when he calls someone his child, do we believe him when he appears to change his mind?
תַנְיָא: ״יַכִּיר״, יַכִּירֶנּוּ לַאֲחֵרִים. מִכָּאן אָמַר רַבִּי יְהוּדָה: נֶאֱמָן אָדָם לוֹמַר: ״זֶה בְּנִי בְּכוֹר״. אָמַר רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן: אָמַר ״בְּנִי הוּא״, וְחָזַר וְאָמַר ״עַבְדִּי הוּא״ – אֵינוֹ נֶאֱמָן. ״עַבְדִּי הוּא״, וְחָזַר וְאָמַר ״בְּנִי הוּא״ – נֶאֱמָן, דִּמְשַׁמֵּשׁ לִי כְּעַבְדָּא קָאָמַר. אָמַר ״עַבְדִּי הוּא״, וְחָזַר וְאָמַר ״בְּנִי הוּא״ – אֵינוֹ נֶאֱמָן. מֵיתִיבִי: הָיָה מְשַׁמְּשׁוֹ כְּבֵן, וּבָא וְאָמַר ״בְּנִי הוּא״, וְחָזַר וְאָמַר ״עַבְדִּי הוּא״ – אֵינוֹ נֶאֱמָן. הָיָה מְשַׁמְּשׁוֹ כְּעֶבֶד, וּבָא וְאָמַר ״עַבְדִּי הוּא״, וְחָזַר וְאָמַר ״בְּנִי הוּא״ – אֵינוֹ נֶאֱמָן. אָמַר רַב נַחְמָן בַּר יִצְחָק: הָתָם, דְּקָארוּ לֵיהּ: ״עַבְדָּא מְצַר מְאָה״. מַאי ״מְצַר מְאָה״? מְצַר עַבְדָּא מְאָה זוּזֵי.
It was taught: “He shall identify [the firstborn… to give him a double portion],” implies that he shall identify him to others. From here, Rabbi Yehuda says that a man is deemed credible to say, “This son is my firstborn.” Rabbi Yochanan says that if one says about another, “He is my son” and then says, “He is my servant,” his latter statement is not deemed credible. But if he says, “He is my servant,” and then says, “He is my son,” his latter statement is deemed credible, for he meant, “He takes care of me with the dedication of a servant.” They raised a challenge: If one was serving another person like a son, and the person being served came and said, “He is my son,” and then said, “He is my servant,” his latter statement is not deemed credible. If one was serving another person like a servant, and the one being served came and said, “He is my servant,” and then said, “He is my son,” his latter statement is not deemed credible (thus contradicting Rabbi Yochanan’s opinion). Rav Nachman bar Yitzchak said: In that case, (his servant identity is not changed) because he called him, “a servant bound by a hundred.” What does “bound by a hundred” mean? The servant is bound by a value of one hundred zuz.
***
You know what’s special about family? Communication and relationships come so easily and naturally. Because you’re connected genetically and biologically, everything just fits together like a beautiful jigsaw puzzle. Right?
If only that were the truth. As we all know, family relationships can be some of the most challenging and complicated to deal with. So, what’s the secret to maintaining wonderful relationships with your family members—whether it’s your siblings, your parents or your children? The key is to give it your all and expect nothing in return.
You see, there are three elements in your family bond. Two of them you cannot control but one of them you can. And you will never be able to have a stronger relationship with your family members than the one you have as a result of the aspect within your control. The more you maximize that aspect the greater the relationship will be. What are those three elements? The first is your biological connection. The second is the effort your family member makes towards maintaining and enhancing the relationship. The third is the effort you make towards maintaining and enhancing the relationship.
Element number one cannot change regardless of anything you or your family member does or fails to do. No matter what happens, a family member will always be your family. Element number two is completely beyond your control. Only a family member gets to decide how he treats you and acts toward you. Element number three, however, is completely within your control. And if you want to maintain a relationship with your family member, then you must commit yourself to doing whatever you can to help that family member and be there for him regardless of whether he is reciprocating or not.
There’s no point getting upset or angry at a family member when he fails to reciprocate. It’s your choice to be there and to go above and beyond for that person. Whether you do or don’t, that person will still be part of your family. So, if you feel that you must go the extra mile for family, then do it. Nevertheless, your feelings and actions shouldn’t be dependent upon a family member’s beliefs and actions. If they are, then you don’t have a family relationship, you have a business/transactional relationship.
That’s the meaning of Rabbi Yochanan’s distinction between a servant-servant and son-servant. The ideal child—or parent or sibling—is one who would do anything for his loved one, just as a servant would. The servant has no expectation to be served in return. He is completely and unconditionally committed to serving.
And yet, at the end of the day, a servant is not family. The servant is bound by the contractual figure of “100 zuz.” It’s transactional. No matter how committed the servant may be, given the transactional nature of the relationship, it has its limits and boundaries. Family relationships have no limits, no boundaries. Irrespective of what you do or don’t do, you will always be family. That will mean something different to different people. If to you it means that the love, care, commitment and dedication are limitless, then regardless of how the other person acts towards you, your dedication and commitment should be unaffected.
There’s no right or wrong way to have a family relationship. For some, family members are welcome any time of day without knocking. Others need clear structure in their relationships. Just remember that however you feel you should be acting towards your family members, it’s not a transactional deal. It’s never going to be perfectly equal. You don’t work for them. They don’t work for you. You’re not doing business with them. The relationship is whatever you make of it. It’s an investment with no strings attached and zero expectation of reciprocation. That’s when you will find the relationship most satisfying, fulfilling and enduring.
The secret to a good relationship with your family is to remove all thoughts of reciprocity. The righteous Yosef understood that a brother takes care of his family, regardless of how they acted towards him. Just as a parent of a newborn child doesn’t ask how the baby will repay the kindness of changing his diaper, a thriving family relationship does not depend on repayment calculations. May you merit two-way family relationships that flourish!
Rabbi Dr. Daniel Friedman is the author of The Transformative Daf book series. He battles Christian antisemitism and teaches International Relations at Landers.
