With the price of gas being what it is these days, I sometimes think it might be a good idea to get a motorcycle. You know,for short trips and commutes where it’s just me going somewhere without the whole family. My wife can use it too, but not in a sheitel, I guess. Like not to weddings. It has to be cheaper than a hybrid, right? Because you’re not paying for unnecessary things like a roof or windows.

I’ve thought about this numerous times over the years. But I can’t do it.

First of all, I have no idea how to park a motorcycle when I get to a destination. What happens if I have to go inside somewhere? What prevents people from stealing my bike? I never see motorcycles tied to a bike rack. With a car, they have to break into it in a parking lot, which draws attention. But with a bike, can’t they just load it onto the back of a pickup truck and figure it out later? It isn’t like if it turns out that they can’t break into it later, they’ll come drop it back off where they found it.

Also, no one else in our circles really has a motorcycle. Except that every shul has this one guy who shows up to Mincha/Maariv during the week on a motorcycle, and the kids spend the entire davening gathered around it in the parking lot and thinking about how cool this guy is.

Meanwhile, adults would think it’s a midlife crisis, which it is not. I, for one, just want to save on gas. Is that so hard? It’s an economic crisis.

Wait, is it a midlife crisis when you try something new that is not like anything you’ve ever tried before and you don’t care what people think? Because no, I clearly care what people think. I need to marry off my kids, and it will be like, “Her father has a motorcycle.”

“To save on gas!” I would yell. But they wouldn’t hear me, because motorcycles are loud.

Point is, I care so much about what people think that I probably won’t do what I think might be a good idea because of what people might think who are not otherwise helping me pay for gas.

And also about what my wife would think. And she does help me pay for gas. My wife would not allow this. “For safety reasons!” she’d say. Why is it less safe? I have no intention of being one of those guys who weaves through traffic. I mean, I’ve ridden a bicycle. This is just a bicycle that goes at the speed of a car!

Sure, my wife also keeps telling me reasons that I on my own would not want to own a motorcycle. This is how she’s playing this.

For example, she asks where I am going to drive this on a regular basis that won’t require room for luggage? I mean I can get one with a tiny trunk, but most of that will be taken up by a bag of cloth bags. Do I bring a backpack? How am I going to do a Costco run? I suppose I can go to the bank… Or I can go to the pharmacy, pick up some medications…

Another thing my wife felt the need to point out was that especially on long drives, you can’t shift position. It’s not like a car where you can adjust the seats, move your legs… You have this one position that you have to sit in. And that’s it. In fact, maybe the reason bikers weave through traffic isn’t to cheat the system, it’s because they’re uncomfortable. They want to get to their destination already so they can get up and walk around like they just got off a horse.

When you’re on a motorcycle, you can’t do simple things while you’re driving that you normally don’t even think about, like drink coffee or blow your nose. These guys are weaving through traffic in a rush because they’re dying to get to their destination so they can dig one of the folded-up tissues out of their tough-guy leather jacket and take off their helmet and blow their nose.

There is also no protection from the elements, she says. And there’s no 4-wheel drive. Unless you have two bikes. Though I don’t even think there’s two-wheel drive. How am I going to get through snow?

“I don’t know. Carry it? I don’t have 4-wheel drive now.”

And then there’s the noise. Because you know how you can hear a motorcycle coming from ten minutes away? That noise is coming from vibrations in the seat. It annoys motorcycle drivers more than it annoys you. That noise does not go away. The helmet is keeping in the migraine!

The perception is that bikers are tough, because of the jackets and the noise; also, you always see these motorcycle gangs, where there are like a bunch of bikers traveling together, and everyone’s scared of them. But maybe the whole point of these “gangs” is that in order to function on a motorcycle, you need to travel as a group. You need others around so you can say, “I need to step into this pharmacy to get some Excedrin for my migraine; can you please watch my bike so scarier people don’t steal it?” You’re scared of the group, but they’re a group because they’re scared to be alone.

I mean, a lot of them even have beards. How could they be bad people?

So if I got a bike, I’d have to get bikes for my whole family, and we’d have to go around together. And then what would be the point? I don’t think buying that many bikes would still be cheaper than buying a car. And we’d still have no luggage space. And meanwhile, if I were going somewhere without my family, I’d have to join a gang just to ensure my safety. And make my wife happy. And meanwhile, all I wanted here was to save money on gas. Is that so bad? No one would believe me.

“Her father’s in a gang.”

“They’re watching my tallis and tefillin!”

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].