Thanksgiving may look different this year. Or perhaps it will not. In the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving we are seeing the typical advertisements, giveaways and meal packages from our local kosher grocery stores. People will continue to take advantage of the day off from work to spend time with family, watch the parade, relax and perhaps hunt for discounted sales. While today Thanksgiving is not a holiday in the religious sense of the word, I believe the Jewish community likes to take advantage of a time when we can actually get together, take photos during a meal and even travel home afterward.
And for some people, these usual traditions will feel just a bit off. Because for so many of us, everything right now feels just a bit off. When asked recently how I’m doing, my answer at that moment was not a simple one.
Am I functioning? Yes.
Am I accomplishing tasks and fulfilling responsibilities as related to my roles as an adult, mother, therapist, etc.? For the most part, yes. I tend to thrive—especially during difficult times—in structure.
Am I all right? No, definitely not. I, like so many, am feeling quite broken. It feels like I’m existing in a bit of a foggy haze where time is strange and the corners of my experiences seem just a bit hazy. And this is normal when experiencing trauma because, as I’ve written previously, we are all moving through a collective trauma.
To think about a legal holiday filled with gatherings and meals, shopping and balloon floats might feel hopeful, distractive or normal, but to some it might feel off. It is important that we recognize the space for dialectic amidst the pain. That we prioritize some of the normalcy not only for our children but for ourselves during such darkness. It is essential that we recognize the way we as a nation thrive, not merely survive, even when others seek to bring us down. And sometimes, that can start with turkey.
Sometimes we need to tether ourselves to what is familiar and normal, even when our world feels like it is upside down. We need to maintain our practices, schedules and even scheduled days off and fun activities–despite the pain we are also experiencing.
It is easy to get lost in a world of guilt. It’s easy to feel uninterested in what might normally bring joy, or question whether we are allowed to do it at this time. I think returning to the questions of “What will help me feel connected to myself?” and “What will help me feel connected to others?” are the perfect places to start.
And within those answers, you may find judgmental thoughts, thoughts about deserving, or simply a lack of energy. Push yourself anyway. Sometimes it comes down to the Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) of opposite action: Whatever you’re inclined toward, simply do the opposite. My father (avi mori) noted when discussing this idea that this is reminiscent, in a sense, of what the Rambam wrote in Hilchot De’ot chapter 2 regarding a person confronting his or her inclination with a counter action in order to achieve balance.
Thanksgiving is about gathering together, reflecting on gratitude, recognizing our place in the USA and even the complicated history that led to the formation of this country. And there is time to lean in to our gratitude. We can hold space for the anger, heartbreak and grief while also always recognizing all that we do have and all that Hashem gives us.
Just as was stated at the rally, we can recognize the way America has been a home to us and also demand better reactions and support against antisemitism. If you can take some moments to reflect on what you’re grateful for—while also being mindful not to judge yourself surrounding this gratitude—you may experience that connection I was describing earlier. Whether it helps you feel connected to yourself, your loved ones, our home, our homeland or Hashem, knowing what we have and knowing what we’re asking for can be achieved in a balance.
Challenge the guilt; now is not the time to berate ourselves over what we cannot control. It is time to recognize how this may be an easy way to cope—to judge ourselves for not being more grateful or critique ourselves over our reactions. This helps no one, especially not you. Identify how you can connect and make plans to connect! Tether yourself to structure or familiar comforts or even activities that help you feel like you. However you spend Thanksgiving, try to embrace gratitude and also notice the balance between being thankful and the pursuit for a goal or the hope for more. Am Yisrael Chai.
Temimah Zucker, LCSW works in New York and New Jersey with individuals ages 18 and older who are struggling with mental health concerns, and specializes in working with those looking to heal their relationships between their bodies and souls. Zucker is an adjunct professor at the Wurzweiler School of Social Work, an advocate and public speaker concerning eating disorder awareness, and a Metro-New York consultant at Monte Nido. To learn more or to reach her, visit www.temimah.com.
