I don’t know what I should do anymore.

I write a safety article every year during the Nine Days, and everyone thinks, “Okay, so I won’t do anything dangerous.” But things can still happen, c”v, even if you’re doing something innocent. What can be more innocent than attending a birthday party, observing a baseball game, riding a motorcycle down the highway at 50 miles per hour or going hunting with some friends? You never know when you’re going to be minding your own business and—Whump! Something hits you on the head.

It’s always the head.

Our first story today comes from Philadelphia, where a woman was hit in the face with a hot dog. And no, no one’s going around slapping people with hot dogs, that I know of. This hot dog was fired out of a cannon.

And now you’re wondering, “There’s such a thing as a hot dog cannon?” This would come in handy at shul barbecues. Not to mention camp cookouts, especially if you’re trying to keep the local wildlife at bay. Though you’d probably have to toivel it first, which might get you kicked out of the keilim mikvah.

The woman wasn’t actually sitting around and minding her own business. She was at a baseball game, where the team mascot had taken to firing free hot dogs at random into the crowd. Because there’s nothing more American than sitting at a baseball game and getting hit in the face with a hot dog.

But if you’re someone like me who doesn’t follow sports or go to games, and you’re wondering what you’re missing, then wonder no longer. This is what you’re missing: People shooting non-kosher hot dogs at you.

This is what they mean when they say that you should check on the kashrut of these events.

But this would be a great idea for the next Siyum Hashas. Or asifas harabbonim.

As a precaution, the woman was taken to the emergency room, where doctors asked her what happened. Then, when she told them, they said, “No, really, what happened?”

See, this is why the catcher and the umpire wear masks.

Our next story comes from Australia, where, according to news articles, “A motorcyclist was hit by a mattress on the highway.”

Doctor: “Where was the motorcyclist hit?”

Nurse: “On the highway.”

Doctor: “No, really, what happened?”

The mattress, which had fallen off a pickup truck, hit the cyclist at 50 miles per hour, causing him to fall off the bike… and land on the mattress.

Moral of the story: If you’re going to get hit by an airborne object, make sure it’s a mattress. Or a bounce house.

And yes, our next story involves a bounce house. What can be safer than a bounce house, right? They’re like giant balloons!

Well, balloons fly.

This is exactly what happened at a recent birthday party in upstate New York—the bounce house blew away, dozens of feet into the air.

“Well, there goes our deposit,” they were probably thinking, after doing a quick head count of the kids.

On the one hand, this sounds like a funny story. If there’s one thing that sounds more fun than a bounce house, it’s a flying bounce house. On the other hand, it can hit things. This particular bounce house went flying through the air and hit a motorcyclist.

Just kidding. It hit the power lines. There were sparks everywhere.

Fortunately, no one was in it. Everyone was off eating birthday cake at the time.

Moral of the story: Cake saves lives. Yes, it makes you heavier, but heavier people don’t blow away.

Another moral, of course, is that you have to anchor your bounce house. It’s a big balloon. This goes double for giant inflatable ducks. In April, there was a 20-foot duck bouncing around the streets of Des Moines, Iowa. This duck, named Quacky, had blown away from some kind of promotional event. Quacky is an ironic name, obviously, because inflatable ducks don’t make noise. Unless they hit the power lines.

What do you even say if you see a 20-foot duck bouncing down the street?

“Duck!”

“Where?”

Whump.

Our next story comes from Maryland, where a group of men was out hunting geese. One of the hunters fired at a flock of geese overhead, and I bet you can guess what happened next. Well, obviously—the geese were over their heads. What do you think happened?

Yes. A goose fell out of the sky and knocked one of the hunters unconscious. His friends rushed him to the hospital, where he was diagnosed with a goose bump.

A lot of people have problems with hunting, because the hunters are armed with guns, and what do the animals have? And the answer is: gravity. When you shoot a goose that’s flying, the goose doesn’t stay up there.

When asked about the incident, police said, “He’s lucky he wasn’t hunting alone.” Well, if he were alone, he wouldn’t have gotten knocked out. In fact, I think the most dangerous way to hunt is in groups. Especially when you’re all making duck noises.

“Duck!”

“I thought we’re hunting geese—Whump.”

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He also has seven books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].