The Shidduch crisis is certainly not new to our world. We hear about it, we read about it, and we see it happening all day long. Unfortunately, this has become a reality that we don’t want to deal with, but can’t ignore either.

Parents of singles today must be more involved than ever before. They say that if one does his/her histadlus, then it will speed up the process.

I’ve put together some tips on how to do this through my experiences and the experiences of others I have dealt with. I’m hoping you may learn from this.

First off, when your child decides that s/he is ready to date there are a few things you can do. Find any shidduch groups in your neighborhood or surrounding neighborhoods. You can call the rebbetzin in your local town who would probably be able to direct you accordingly. Get your name on the group’s email and/or phone list so you can be apprised of their upcoming meetings. Go to any and all meetings that you can possibly attend. I’ve been to meetings where parents have split up. Dad came to one city’s meeting and mom went to another city’s meeting. (I give such Hakaras Hatov to that particular dad. I really admired him so much for trying to help his daughter. I have to say it took many years of his going to meetings, but his daughter has recently gotten married.)

A very important task is to create a bio of your child. The bio should include: name, age, height, schooling, occupation, siblings, hashgafa, interests and what s/he is looking for. Have copies made. It is very helpful to have a photo on the bio as well. Keep copies of this bio/resume on you, as you never know who you will meet and may want to network with. Yes, it sounds tough to have to do this, but it will help others remember who you are, who your child is, and what s/he is looking for. When I would go to meetings with my “shidduch buddy,” we would come in with our bags of bios, staplers, paper clips, scotch tape, etc. We treated this like an important mission.

If you’ve never been to a shidduch meeting, let me enlighten you a bit. There is usually someone who heads up the meeting. I’ve been to meetings where a “creed” was read to ensure the privacy and dignity of the singles. I thought this was so nice. The chairperson usually directs people to present their singles. Some people present their children; some do their friends, etc. You get the point. When presenting, be as specific as possible—the people who are there like to take good notes; they like to get a good sense of what this person is all about. Naturally, you’re not going to fix up a girl who is Modern Orthodox with someone who is much more yeshivish. That’s why clarity and details are so important. Take copious notes when others speak. Even if a person doesn’t sound like s/he for your needs, you might be able to help someone else. After all, we all have to help each other. After you present your single, you can pass out your bio for them to take home.

Also bring along with you a master notebook where you can put any and all names you might hear at a meeting or elsewhere. Put the single’s name, contact name, and all the information pertinent to your finding out what s/he is all about and if it is shayich for your single. I kept a mini phonebook with me. When someone mentioned a name of a good contact shadchun, I added this to my phonebook. I called these women every two weeks to check in and see if they had anyone appropriate. Some of these conversations eventually proved not helpful. However, once in a while, we were able to set other people up just because we connected. What a great feeling that was!

If you are lucky enough to get a viable name, take it and do your work. I’m not saying to do FBI work, but some general checking is very appropriate. If, for example, the boy lives in Wisconsin, and you don’t know a soul there, call the local Orthodox rabbi. Ask to speak to the rebbetzin. If she doesn’t personally know the boy, ask her who would. Sometimes you have to make 10 phone calls or more just to set up one date, and the date might end up being a disaster. This is the game. We hate it, but it has to be done. While you have this person on the phone, always probe them. Ask if they know anyone else suitable for your single. You never know who knows who.

Another important tip. Keep your single’s bio handy on your computer. Many shadchunim will ask you to email the bio and if you keep it handy (like on your desktop) it will be a breeze to send over. You might be asked to send a photo. Get over the shock. You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.

In addition, be aware that sometimes you may be asked questions that are beyond appropriate. You can choose not to follow up with that sort of person. Don’t let it discourage you; remember you have a mission.

Some people, however, do have their limitations. Keep your notebook updated. Someone might suggest a name in March 2013, and if you go back to your records, you might see your single went out with that person many months prior. We have learned that sometimes a date may be worth repeating, as we have heard of many marriages occurring from second-round dating. If you work hard, you will be able to generate a lot of dates for your single. Some of them might be off the mark; some might be just okay and one might be THE ONE. You have to help. Anytime an old friend calls to chit chat, ask that friend to help you spread the word. We have the ability to network since we know people in the frum world and we must use that ability to our advantage to help our children.

I hope this was a helpful column to those of you in the shidduch scene right now. If you work hard, Hashem will reward your efforts. I do believe that. Check out the single sites that are available today; these are very good avenues as well. Many shidduchim were made just because a bunch of women and men got together to help and for this we thank all those who give their time and energy to focus on the single population and are sensitive to the shidduch arena.

I wish you all Hatzlacha Rabba in your endeavors.

Gail Hochman is a resident of Bergen County, NJ and proud grandmother of many.

By Gail Hochman