This past week included some rough days. They happen to me—I’m human. Years ago when I worked in-person at a high level of care treatment facility, clients often asked staff members what it is like to confront emotions; they wanted to know what it felt like for therapists, counselors and especially individuals who had recovered from their own history with similar diagnoses to face life. In some ways I think people hope to hear that a therapist has the most balanced and lovely emotional experience, knowing exactly how to cope with any situation, much like people believe that child therapists have the healthiest children and these parents know exactly how to tackle any troubling situation with calm and ease. Well, that’s a lovely thought. But we’re all just people—complex humans doing the best we can with the tools we have. So yes—of course—some days feel difficult or overwhelming.
During one of these challenging days I told my husband that I was making efforts to hold on to how I felt recently on Tisha B’Av. On this sacred day we cut ourselves off from our connections to joy as well as the material aspects of our lives to focus solely on our collective mourning. It is a day that includes grieving and also often reflection on the sins of our ancestors that led to our exile, hopefully resulting in our own consideration of changes we can make in our lives today. And I definitely experienced all of that this year. There were some specific intentions I took with me that in many ways helped put some of my worries or life situations into a bigger context; I was reminded not simply of the greater pain but also of my place in the world, and this can allow for acceptance and a reframe during moments of frustration or even grief.
And so at that later time, after a tough day, I verbalized wanting to hold on to all that I took in on Tisha B’Av. Because holding on to what we learn and to our insights can often be difficult.
Our brains are accustomed to avoid pain, focusing on how we feel in the present moment, and at times acting according to cognitive distortions (catastrophizing, generalizing, jumping to conclusions, etc.) At any given moment, we are often caught up in our current feelings because people have been taught to believe that feelings must equal facts—that if we feel a way about a situation, it must be true. While we all know the expression of “trusting our gut,” it is important to note that so much of the time we experience emotions that are based on old patterns or distortions—not facts. When we seek to avoid pain or make choices based on current pain or even the fear of pain, we often do not consider all aspects or elements of the situation. And even if the situation does not involve a decision, if we are simply sitting with discomfort, we tend to use a microscope.
Some people try to convince themselves “out” of this—to see the bright side or to just be grateful. These are two remarkable tools but are often not used in a way that feels authentic. Instead, it can feel forced and leave the individual experiencing an added layer of discomfort such as guilt or feeling that s/he cannot get it right.
So what can we do? How can we maintain the insights or intentions that align with our values and how we want to grow?
It is essential first and foremost to create space to be able to pause and assess our experiences when feeling that discomfort. To take a moment and narrate what is happening, “I’m feeling annoyed because of the situation—I felt misunderstood and then it didn’t go the way I had hoped.” Simple, objective recall of what has happened. Then we must ask ourselves how our emotions may be clouding our wise minds, or interfering with our ability to cope. If a decision needs to be made, I encourage individuals to assess whether they are in a place to make a wise choice, or if perhaps any decision needs to be put to the side for the moment.
Continue by exploring how in the future you will likely feel about what has happened and what your future self might want you to have done in this current moment. And finally, reflect on if there is any lesson, insight or motto you’d like to hold on to—not to convince yourself out of your emotions, but to settle over you during this time.
It can be difficult to hold on to what we learn. We live in a fast-paced, pain-avoidant world. Pause. Reflect on the questions above. Consider your past, current and future self. Know that your emotions are valid, you can tolerate them (perhaps with some added skills and support) and that your emotions are not necessarily facts. On that tough day I was reminded of a brief expression that spoke to me from Tisha B’Av and also let myself feel, while putting the feeling into context.
Perhaps it is not about holding on to our insights but about relearning them over and over. So go, be your own teacher and create the time for your growth.
Temimah Zucker, LCSW, works in New York and New Jersey with individuals ages 18 and older who are struggling with mental health concerns, and specializes in working with those looking to heal their relationships between their bodies and souls. Zucker is an advocate and public speaker concerning eating disorder awareness and a metro New York consultant at Monte Nido. Zucker is honored to now serve on the board of Atzmi. To learn more or to reach her, visit www.temimah.com.
