Disclaimer: Baruch Hashem, we are living in phenomenal times, when all of the antisemites around us are finally outing themselves so we don’t have to wonder who they are. But with more and more of them coming out of the woodwork these days, it has come to my attention that my columns have not been very inclusive. Mostly, I talk to a large audience of Yidden about things that Yidden can relate to—sometimes I even talk about things that secular people can relate to—but I never really talk to the antisemites.
Apparently there is an even larger audience of antisemites out there that I’m not reaching. Where’s their column?
My bad.
So this one is written for them. If you’re not an antisemite, feel free to skip this one.
Here goes:
So you just came out as an antisemite. Congratulations! It is definitely the fashionable thing to do these days—to hate a people who have been laughing in the face of antisemitism for thousands of years.
But perhaps you’re wondering: How do I go about it? What do I do with this information? Do I have to hold any core beliefs? How do I defend my values against those who would seek to defeat me with logic? This column might help you.
-Just as Jews have a long, rich, and storied history, so do antisemites. Just as long, in fact. As long as there have been Jews, there have been antisemites. It’s the only tradition that has lasted as long as Judaism. Our forefather Yaakov’s own twin brother Eisav was an antisemite. So it in fact turns out that antisemitism may be a minute or two older.
-Everyone likes having someone to blame for their problems, and the Jews, historically, don’t punch back. Well, until Israel developed weapons systems. Historically, though, what are the Jews going to do? Debate you to death? I mean we can try, but it turns out, unfortunately, that in real life, if you win an argument—completely demolish the other side—the other side just gets upset. Try it with your wife.
-It also helps that the Jews have always and will always be around. If you want a scapegoat for your problems, you do your research—you want to blame a people who won’t suddenly disappear, and then you’ll be like, “We still have that problem that we used to blame on them. I guess it wasn’t their fault.” Well, now what? You can’t now blame the same problem on a new group. People need someone to blame who won’t suddenly disappear on them. Hence the Jews.
-You can hate Jews for any reason you like, no matter your political leanings. For example, one side hates us because they say we’re in places of power and control world events, and the other side hates us because they say we’re uneducated and poor and bleed society dry. Everyone hates us for their own reasons, and those reasons are often contradictory, plus they hate each other, but they all end up in the same place eventually. Antisemitism: It brings people together.
-You don’t actually need a reason to hate Jews. No one’s going to call you on it.
-You don’t have to know anything about the region or its history either. Most don’t.
-What all antisemites are familiar with is the International Rules of War. They’ve all read it, internalized it … I think this is one of those things they teach in public schools that they don’t teach in yeshivas. They definitely know it better than an entire country’s military.
-Every Jew, no matter where he or she lives, is an official ambassador of Israel. So any time Israel does anything, feel free to run over to the nearest Jew for an explanation. To see if Israel shared it with all of us in our nightly Zoom meeting.
-History has shown us numerous times that the more powerful army is, perforce, the bad guy. That’s why the United States right now is the biggest bad guy. Israel keeps saying they have God on their side, and what’s more powerful than that? So obviously, they’re the bad guy.
-It frustrates you to no end that every time the antisemites make their presence obvious, all the Jews come together. “Again? I thought this was my moment! I chose it so carefully!”
-The biggest part of being an antisemite is pulling people over to your cause while at the same time also denying that you’re an antisemite. “Listen when I said, “Kill all the Jews,” I didn’t mean in an antisemitic way. I meant in a humanitarian way. Like I believe Israel has a right to defend themselves. I’m just saying that if all of them died, they won’t have to.”
-You can also say things like, “Listen, I don’t hate the Jews; I just hate Israel. And all the children of Israel.”
-If you have a choice between attending two opposing rallies, you want to go to the one that defaces monuments that have nothing to do with the Jews. Nothing says, “I hate Israel,” like looting a Walgreens. And nothing says, “I am definitely right about who should live on specific pieces of land halfway around the world” like the destruction of public property.
-At Jewish rallies, nothing gets vandalized or looted. So how are they sending a message, exactly? You want to attend a rally that destroys property, loots stores, and gets into fistfights with the cops (before thanking them at the end for doing their job, of course), in order to prove that the people on whose behalf you’re protesting are a peace-loving people.
-Don’t actually call for peace. Just a ceasefire. It’s totally the same thing.
-Chants are fun, as long as they rhyme. You don’t actually have to know what river or what sea. It could be the Nile River to the Red Sea. All you have to know is that “sea” rhymes with “free” and “Intifada” rhymes with “Intifada.”
-If you see a poster, rip it down. It’s just propaganda for whichever side wants people to live.
-If you don’t want to come right out and admit your hatred for a group of people, linguists recommend that you put the word “the” before the name of their group. (example: “Boy! Shoprite was full of the Jews today!”)
-What you’re doing is not antisemitism if you say it’s not antisemitism. Even if the Jews say it’s antisemitism, what do they know? They’re just Jews. Their opinion doesn’t matter. Also if you step on someone’s toe, you get to decide whether it hurts.
-You are probably more sick of hearing the Jews complaining about antisemitism than the Jews are of experiencing antisemitism.
-For all that the Jews talk about God being on their side and miracles happening to them every day, miracles are happening on both sides. How many videos have we seen of deceased Palestinians that suddenly start moving or get up and walk away? Miracles! We have video proof.
-Jews think they’re so smart, but which side do you think is smarter? Israel takes weeks to figure out their tragedy numbers, whereas the Gaza Health Ministry can tell you within minutes of a rocket hitting a parking lot exactly how many hundreds of people happened to randomly be standing in that parking lot, along with lists of names and contact information. Sometimes they can tell you before even.
-The Israeli army presents itself as all tough, but from what we’ve seen, a decent percentage of being in the Israeli army is about having kumzitzes and eating barbecue in the desert. They also make a lot of weddings. And also they all come home and hug their kids with the same music playing in the background.
-The Gazans are way more environmentally friendly. They recycle photos of carnage from previous events in other countries, reuse their crisis actors for multiple scenes, and all of their missiles are made out of repurposed water pipes. Whereas a Jewish family goes through more foil in one year than a typical non-Jewish family does in a lifetime.
-Israel says they don’t release many pictures of victims because of respect and privacy, but at the end of the day, you’ve seen way more moving pictures of deceased Palestinians. Way more pictures of moving deceased Palestinians? Something. As the Jews say, “Reshaim afilu b’chayeihem kruim meisim.”
-All the Jews do is complain. They complain that they can tell the world, “The sky is blue,” and everyone will, instead of looking up, say, “No, it isn’t,” and demand photo proof and then claim the photos are fake. But meanwhile, Hamas can say a hospital was bombed, and show you pictures of a different hospital that was once bombed as evidence that they know what bombed is, and every media outlet can rerun that picture, and they can say that 500 people were killed, and they can have these 500 people get up in front of cameras and say, “Yes, I was killed,” and Israel still won’t believe them.
-The Jews say, “Don’t believe everything Hamas says. Hamas lies.” Then Hamas gets up and says, “We want to wipe all the Jews off the face of the planet.” And you say, “I don’t believe them.” And then the Jews say, “No, that you’re supposed to believe.” What do these Jews want?
-If you side with Hamas, they will add your name to a list of people they will kill last.
-You want an actual tip? Here’s one: Whichever side God wants to win will win. So maybe get on His good side. If you don’t know how, we can give you some pointers.
Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].
