If you have an eighth grader, then you’ve probably put some serious thought so far into where your son is going for high school, unless there’s one that you work in.
Of course, you want to send him to the school that’s right for him. But all things being equal, the big question is: Should he dorm? Is he ready? When will he ever be ready? Because 14 years at home didn’t do it. Should we try in another 14?
Sure, there are a lot of pros. One pro, for example, is that he’s a teenage boy. If he stays home, who knows what kind of trouble he’s going to get into in his spare time? Whereas if he dorms, he’s going to spend most of his spare time waiting for the shower.
But on the other hand, in your head, he’s just a little boy; you still see him as the kid who once ate an entire yogurt with his hands in the back seat of your car.
So all things being equal, here are the pros and cons:
Con: You don’t think he’s big enough. Chances are your son is still small with pinchable cheeks and a hat brim that can protect him and one neighbor from the sun, and you think, “He’s too small to live on his own.”
On the other hand, he has to live on his own eventually, unless you’re just assuming that whoever he marries will be an adult. You might as well start him off in the safety of a dorm. Plus, nothing ages kids faster than dorming anyway. Every time you see him, he’s going to be six inches taller, sound slightly different, and have facial hair in new places. And every off Shabbos is going to be about buying pants.
Pro: He will learn how to fend for himself. He’s going to learn how to find something to eat when he doesn’t like supper, using money that you gave him. He’ll learn how to stretch his snacks and not eat all of the ones you gave him that very first morning, and how to make a week’s worth of laundry last several weeks. He’ll learn that if your clothing looks like everyone else’s, you should keep it on your corner of the floor. He’ll learn how to share a room with three or four other people, which is a skill that he will need when he gets married and keeps finding kids in his bed. He’ll learn how to change his clothes in complete darkness in complete silence by the glow of an alarm clock. And more!
Con: You’re not going to be able to keep on top of his studies. In your experience, your son has to be reminded several times per night that he has homework, plus he has to be reminded to pay attention in class the next day because he clearly didn’t listen today. And you need to remind him every night. It’s not like you could do it when he comes home every other week: “Remember to listen for the next two weeks.” Are you going to call him every night? Leave a note in each pair of socks? That last one is actually a good idea, because you know he’ll get it at least every third day.
Pro: If he dorms, he gets to wake up as late as is humanly possible. There’s a big difference between having to wake up in time for a ride that also has to pick up everyone else in the neighborhood and being able to just roll down the stairs to Shacharis. In a dorm, if your son is dedicated, he can wake up for a 7:40 Shacharis at 7:39 and still make it with time to spare, especially if he’s taken the opportunity of you not being in his business all the time to sometimes sleep in his clothes.
Con: He doesn’t have you telling him to go to bed. When he’s home, you have to remind him to go to bed every night, or else he’ll forget. Based on your experience, if he dorms, he’ll never go to sleep. Sure, the dorm counselor reminds them to go to bed, but it’s the not-as-earnest reminder of an older bochur who’s not going to have to drive anyone anywhere if they wake up late.
Pro: You’re going to get more done at nights. I work in my house, and with every passing year, I find myself going to bed later and later. Basically, despite the fact that we send my son to bed, he has long ago decided that how late you go to bed should reflect your age. When he was 8, he wanted to go to sleep at 8; when he was 9, he wanted 9; and so on. He’s 13 now. When am I supposed to work? I should really teach him about army time.
Con: You’re going to have to buy a whole bunch of stuff for the dorm that he doesn’t have for the house, such as slippers to shower in that are waterproof but also don’t float away. And a bathrobe. And something to carry soap around in besides the pockets of his bathrobe. And also quality, non-embarrassing bedsheets that you’re willing to never see again.
Pro: You won’t have to keep driving him back and forth. You just drive him to school once, with all his worldly belongings in several suitcases, and once a month he comes home with all of it in one laundry bag because he spent all his laundry money on pizza from the pizza shop because he didn’t like the yeshiva’s pizza.
Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He also has seven books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].
