As someone who, when there’s not much going on in his own life, baruch Hashem, keeps an eye on the news for cute stories he can write about, there is absolutely nothing going on these days. Everything is COVID-related. And it’s all depressing. But I did find some bits of news that might brighten our days, as bright as they can be indoors.

Take the man in England who ran a marathon in his backyard to raise money for the National Health Services. His backyard is about 20 feet long. He figured out that to do a 26-mile marathon, he would have to run circles in his backyard 7,000 times.

It’s not like anyone giving the money was showing up, though. My guess is that he set up a video for the people who wanted to watch the whole thing, but he could have run around once and put the video on a loop.

But I think this is a noble endeavor, because by the time he’s done, one leg will be shorter than the other, one sneaker will be way more worn, and he’ll be walking off to the side for a while. And he’s going to be missing a circle of grass in his yard.

And if you think that story is impressive, a man in Russia by the name of Dmitry Yakukhny ran 62 miles of laps around his bed. Indoors.

And he did it in socks, probably because the people in the apartment below his were having headaches for some reason.

“Go lie down.”

“I did. Where do you think my bedroom is?”

But some things are getting out. Take the man in Mexico, who, according to headlines, sent his dog to the store with a list and money attached to its collar. Like your kids’ kindergarten morah does with parsha sheets.

How is the dog supposed to get the groceries home?

I should mention that the dog was a chihuahua.

I saw a picture of the chihuahua, and he looked very nervous, like a kid who’s left on line at the grocery with a full cart while his parents walk off to look for one more item.

But according to the article, it wasn’t a long list. The guy wanted chips, and chips are not an essential item, so he sent his dog. People with dogs say it’s the same as having kids, so why not put that to the test?

He sent the dog with $20 for one bag of chips, so he was clearly hoping the dog would come back with change. Or, if it’s indeed like a kid, it would have bought a little something for itself while it was out.

And speaking of animals, the mayor of Baltimore has asked residents to “Please stop shooting each other so coronavirus patients can have hospital beds.”

Crime has always been illegal, but now it’s more illegal. Like the criminals will say, “Well, since he asked nicely… I guess it could wait.”

People out of town are so polite, you know?

I don’t know the situation there, but I’m pretty sure that if there are people you might have to shoot, you can’t just call each other and say, “Look, can we just get back to this later? I mean, no one’s going anywhere anyway. I think we’re a non-essential business.”

But not all legal infractions have stopped, unfortunately. A few weeks ago, a UK man was caught driving 130 mph, and when asked why, he said he was hoping to go fast enough to avoid catching the coronavirus.

Science.

But there is some light at the end of the tunnel, unless you’re a criminal in Baltimore: People are working on cures and inventions to deal with our situation. For example, I just came across an article titled, “Australian Scientist Gets Magnets Stuck Up Nose While Inventing Necklace to Stop People Touching Their Faces.”

Science.

The idea was that the necklace would build a circuit around the wearer’s head, and then he or she would wear magnets on their wrist that would set off a perimeter alarm if they got too close. That way, you know where your hands are. And so does everyone around you.

So then how did the magnets get up his nose? Funny story:

See, he was having issues, in that instead of making noise when his hands were near his face, the device was making noise unless his hands were near his face. So by way of testing the sensor, he tried clipping magnets to his earlobe, and then to his nostril, and then to his other nostril.

“Things went downhill pretty quickly when I clipped the magnets to my other nostril,” he said. The two magnets stuck together inside his nose. So he attempted to use his remaining magnets to remove them, but they also got stuck.

“At this point I ran out of magnets,” he said. So he tried using pliers. But that came with its own challenges.

“The pliers kept getting attracted to my nose, and the force of my nose being pulled was also painful.”

Eventually, his wife made him go to the hospital.

How did you spend your quarantine?

In the end, two doctors helped him out—by simultaneously grabbing at the magnets in each nostril. At which point his alarm started making noise. It was like a game of Operation.

The thing is, his invention might not be necessary. If you want to stop yourself from touching your face these days, just wear a mask. Though I guess children under two are not supposed to be wearing face masks, so maybe this is for them. If they get their hands too close to their faces, an alarm goes off, letting you know so you can lunge and stop them. Or the alarm will wake them up from their naps. Either way, everyone wins!

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published seven books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].