In the beginning of this week’s parsha, Avraham excitedly welcomes the three guests into his home and immediately springs into action preparing them a delicious meal. He asks Sarah to make bread and cakes, and then selects a cow that he gives to a “na’ar, a young man” to slaughter and prepare. Rashi suggests that the “young man” was actually Avraham’s 13-year old son, Yishmael. Rashi adds that Avraham involved Yishmael, “in order to educate him to do mitzvot.”
It’s fascinating to note that, according to the Midrash, this event occurs on the third day following Avraham and Yishmael’s brit milah, which according to tradition is the most painful day of recovery. While Avraham’s exuberance for hosting guests enabled him to overcome any pain he felt from the brit, it would have been understandable for him to give Yishmael the day off. Yet, Avraham felt so strongly about involving Yishmael in this important mitzvah that he recruited him even so soon after his circumcision.
This short, almost parenthetic, comment by Rashi, highlights an incredibly important aspect of parenting that is sometimes overlooked—the importance of chinuch b’mitzvot, educating our children towards doing the mitzvot, even before they reach the age of technical obligation.
Why is it so important to involve our children in mitzvot before they are obligated? Why not let them enjoy the “freedom” from the commandments until they reach the age of obligation?
Rashi in the Gemara Chagiga 6a “kattan” suggests a practical reason for chinuch b’mitzvot. He suggests that the purpose of such chinuch is to help our children form habits when they are young, so that when they are older such actions will already be habitual to them. This explanation is certainly understandable and logical. If our children were to keep no semblance of mitzvot until age 12/13, and were then expected to keep all the mitzvot once they turned 12/13, it would be a challenging adjustment. We therefore have them begin the observance of certain mitzvot in stages even when they are younger, to habituate them to the performance of mitzvot.
It would seem, however, that chinuch b’mitzvot is much more than simply a practical tactic. Our goal is not only to accustom our children to doing mitzvot, but, suggests Rav Wolbe in Sefer Zria U’Binyan B’Chinuch, to allow our children to taste the excitement and experience of mitzvot. Of course, we must be careful to keep their performance—and any expectations that we have of them—appropriate for their age. We should not push specific mitzvot or obligations upon our children before they are ready, as that may cause the opposite of our intended result. But we should still do our best to involve them in mitzvot, at an age-appropriate level, as much as possible.
Take, for example, the mitzvah of Shabbat. We must work hard, and be thoughtful about ensuring that our children engage in the Shabbat experience in a meaningful way. We should involve them in Shabbat preparations, special Shabbat dress, the singing and activities at the Shabbat meals and any other important aspect of our Shabbat experience. By including them in the Shabbat experience in an age-appropriate way, we can help them develop a love and excitement for Shabbat—and we enable them to feel included in an experience that the rest of the family is sharing as well, giving them a sense of maturity.
This same model can be employed with numerous other mitzvot as well. When a family is involved in the mitzvah of hachnasat orchim, or any other wonderful chesed project, they should make sure to involve all their children in the opportunity. This may at times cause more work for the parents, or require them to fix mistakes caused by the young ones—but the sense of accomplishment and satisfaction the children will get from this experience outweighs the inconveniences that are caused. Rav Wolbe discusses the value of having older siblings help take care of their younger siblings, not in an overbearing or unfair way, but in a way that empowers the older sibling to feel wanted, needed and appreciated.
All that being said, there is a final point to add—something clearly shown through the example of Avraham Avinu in our parsha. Avraham prioritized involving Yishmael in this mitzvah, yet he also understood that involving Yishmael in the mitzvah did not absolve him of doing the mitzvah as well. We are not meant to “dump” mitzvot upon our children, using the justification that we are doing so in order to educate them towards mitzvot. Rather, the true power of involving our children in the performance of mitzvot occurs when we invite them to join us in the performance of the mitzvah. Only when we model for them excitement in the performance of mitzvot by jumping at the opportunity to take part in the mitzvah ourselves—only when we invite them to join us on the journey—will we be able to truly convey the beauty and power of the performance of mitzvot.
Avraham Avinu, in this week’s parsha, teaches us what it means to passionately do a mitzvah. While doing so, he invites his son Yishmael to join him in the experience. He does so, not simply to habituate Yishmael in the performance of mitzvot, but also to share with him the excitement involved in such performance. We should all strive to do so in our lives and homes as well.
Shabbat Shalom!
Rav Yossi Goldin is the menahel tichon at Yeshivas Pe’er HaTorah, Rebbe at Midreshet Tehilla, and Placement Advisor/Internship Coordinator for the YU/RIETS Kollel. He lives with his family in Shaalvim and can be reached at [email protected]
