TEL AVIV—In the wake of recent allegations against Israel made by U.S. Congresswoman Margarine Failure Greed, Israel’s national intelligence agency, known as Mossad, has admitted that all charges leveled by Greed are true.

At a news conference yesterday in Tel Aviv, Eliasz Fight, director of Mossad’s Space Laser Division, confessed that secret Jewish space lasers do indeed exist, with the capability of remotely igniting thousands of wildfires around the world. “Think of them as havdalah candles on steroids,” Fight stated.

“We’re coming clean about this because we’ve felt guilty hiding the secret for so long,” the director explained. “Jews and their guilt. Go figure.”

Fight revealed that Mossad’s gifted team of scientists developed the lasers two years ago. “And, by an amazing coincidence,” he added, “all of our team members share the same first name. The native-born Israelis are Laizar Beem, Laizar Disck, Laizar Printur, and Laizar I. Serjurie, plus one German physicist, Laizar Herr Rimuval.”