It’s no coincidence that one of the strongest muscles in the human body your tongue. While you might have to exercise to keep your heart healthy, or to pump up your arms, the tongue is plenty busy helping you eat, pushing saliva down your throat even while you sleep, and, of course, twisting and contorting to form sounds and words.
While the tongue is not considered an involuntary muscle because you can consciously use it, in many cases, it appears to act like one because the brain seems to have fallen out of the loop. It’s amazing how many words can come out of the mouth without actually having passed through the brain’s logic filters to see whether they should be uttered. [Please don’t rely on anything I’m writing here for a scientific paper. You will probably get laughed out of the room.]
If we took the time to think before we spoke, we might find that we said a lot less, or that what we said came out a lot differently than the way it started out when the first instincts to say something kicked in. But I don’t expect to spark a revolution and see people change what they’ve been doing their whole lives. I don’t know if any such people even exist, though I do recall hearing that someone had spotted a fellow like that in Europe in the 1800s.
Today, though, I’d like to point out that most of us have a filtering system which functions nearly all the time, and it stops us from saying things. The problem is that someone must have put the batteries in backwards, because it only works for things that we SHOULD be saying.
For example, you see a co-worker with a nice tie. You think, “That really looks good.” You have an inkling that maybe you should tell him what you think, but you stop yourself. “What’s the big deal? Of course he knows it’s nice. Why else would he have bought it?” So we don’t say anything and go about our business.
At lunch, he goes and gets a haircut. Whoa… it’s REALLY short. You go over with a big grin and say, “What happened? Did you get in a fight with a lawnmower?” Oops. Maybe he likes it short. Or worse, maybe he doesn’t and he’s unhappy about it, but can do nothing until it grows back in a couple weeks. Too late now, the words are already out of your mouth and the damage has been done, even if he’s a good sport about it. So why did we say something now when it was nasty, but not before when it was nice? It’s that filtering mechanism that’s out of whack and doing things backwards.
As kids, we learn about the taste receptors on the tongue. Bitterness is tasted all the way in the back of the tongue, near the throat. Sour is tasted along the sides in the middle of the tongue. Salty is tasted on the two sides at the front of the tongue, but the tip of the tongue is reserved for sweetness.
I believe that’s very telling when it comes to speech. If you’ve got something nasty to say, remember that bitterness should be kept at the back of your mouth. Just swallow those words as they will likely hurt someone, not the least of whom is you.
If your comment is sour, because you’re half-joking and half-serious, or it’s a bit salty, because it’s funny to you but the listener might not take it that way, push the words to the side and think twice before saying them. Maybe that’s why the jaw is curved, so you can bite your tongue on both sides at once.
But sweetness, that’s front and center because it’s time to let those words flow. When you have a chance to compliment someone, don’t bite your tongue. Wag it like a happy dog seeing its beloved master after a long day. Take the first opportunity to say something nice, and don’t assume they’re tired of hearing it.
When my mother a”h was sick, I got in the habit of calling her as soon as it struck my fancy. I didn’t say, “I’ll wait until later,” because I realized that there wouldn’t always be a later. Because I knew she was bed-ridden and often bored, I figured she’d probably enjoy my call. If she was busy, that was OK, because she knew I cared.
When it came to bad news or difficulties, I didn’t mention them. She had enough to worry about, so why bother her? If she was supposed to find out, she’d find out from someone else. I didn’t complain to her because my problems paled in comparison to hers. I just swallowed the bitterness and guess what? It didn’t hurt me.
She has passed on now, but I haven’t forgotten the lessons I learned. When I think of someone, like my wife, my father, my kids, siblings, or friends, I try to act on the thought and let them know I was thinking of them. Surprisingly, no one has ever said, “I know you love me, you don’t have to say it.”
When I see someone with a nice tie, I’ll usually tell him, “I really like your tie!” If it’s not nice, it’s none of my business. If someone made a mistake I’ll often clam up but if he did a good job, I won’t assume he knows it. People like to hear it from others so I try to say something. Of course, there’s that filter to deal with.
That’s when I have to push the thoughts of procrastination out of my mind and just remind myself that nice things like this should be on the tip of my tongue.
Jonathan Gewirtz is a freelance writer whose work has appeared in publications around the world. He also operates JewishSpeechWriter.com, where you can order a custom-made speech for your next special occasion. For more information, or to sign up for the Migdal Ohr, his weekly PDF Dvar Torah in English, e-mail info_JewishSpeechWriter.com and put Publication Sponsorship or Subscribe in the subject.
By Rabbi Jonathan Gewirtz
