There is a joke often told within my family about the ugly green sweater I used to wear.

In the throes of my eating disorder I ceased to care about how I presented myself. This in and of itself was somewhat of an enigma to those around me; they knew that my mind was constantly preoccupied with thinking about my appearance, my weight, and my body. And yet, beyond the pounds and the body-checks, I had no regard for my presentation. This was a reflection of the self-loathing and lack of self-care.

I did not feel that I deserved to look nice and also did not want others paying attention to me. In my mind there were higher chances that I would draw attention to myself if I actually took a few minutes to make myself presentable. Additionally, I had difficulty looking at my body, which made showering somewhat painful. I was constantly cold and could not admit, even to myself, that my body was working so hard to protect me, even as it was mistreated.

The results: I wore numerous baggy layers, my hair unwashed, my appearance disheveled. I avoided looking others in the eye as I was living in my own world and did not want others penetrating this wall.

There was one green sweater that had long ago belonged to my mother that I adopted as an outer layer. It was warm and cozy but more pajamas than anything else. As someone who does not abide by “strict” fashion rules, even I can look back and say that this sweater was ugly. I wore my hair down using two different types of clips and never bothered brushing it.

My mother and I are able to look back on this now and laugh with a sense of relief that that stage of my life is over, that the shadow of a person I once was has developed into a visible entity who has developed and is now able to thrive. My mother often notes that while I thought I was blending in and going unnoticed as a wallflower, people were noticing; I had become empty and my dress and presentation reflected this.

I recall this very personal time in my life not simply anecdotally, but because I feel it has taught me an important lesson. We are an enmeshed community. When we meet new people, often the first thing we do is play “Jewish Geography” and find a link or connection. When something happens, oftentimes news travels fast. This can be a wonderful source of support and strength; if someone goes through a difficult time others are able to be there for that individual. And yet, at times this can also be negative; any misconceptions are more easily spread and this can lead to speculation and wrongful assumptions.

Many times we make these assumptions based on what we see. We may notice someone whose appearance has changed. A common example: We see an individual has started to dress differently in a way that we assume reflects a change in religious affiliation. Immediately we have made a judgment call, even if the judgment is neither negative nor positive, about where that person finds him or herself in the religious spectrum.

In reality, we have no true way of knowing what someone else is going through. An individual may feel pain inside and this does not reflect in any way with how he/she presents him/herself.

Some people are unbelievable actors while others cannot cover up what is truly going on inside.

This lesson is invaluable. I remind myself of this every single day in my work as a future social work clinician. We are able to have empathy for others, and this is an unbelievable skill. However, we truly do not know others’ struggles and it is important not to judge based on what we see or hear.

I can imagine that although people may not have known that I had an eating disorder, they were able to deduce that something was wrong based on my appearance. Still, it is vital that we do not judge or spread any rumors or even write someone off based on what we see in any capacity. That person who you may assume is simply “rebelling” or “leaving the path of Judaism” may in fact be going through a difficult time.

Above all, in this supportive and connected community, we must raise one another up. We may not be able to truly understand or solve one another’s problems, but it is crucial that we foster an environment without judgment. Whether this be for the person who shows on some level what she’s going through, or for the one who is able to act as if nothing is wrong, both these individuals should feel supported enough to know that they can admit something is wrong and not hide from the pain.

By Temimah Zucker