Welcome back to “How Should I Know?”—the column that answers real questions sent in by real people, even on the slow weeks.

Dear Mordechai,

What did we need from the grocery, again?

Your Wife

Dear Your,

I don’t remember. I’m more likely to think of things when I see them. I’m not going to remember, sitting in front of my computer, what we need in the kitchen. And walking into the kitchen won’t help either, because if we’re out, I’m not going to see it, so I’m not going to remember it.

The thing that works best, my wife and I find, is to ask the other person on the way out of the house and have them say, “I don’t know,” and then to call them from the store as we see things, asking, “Do we need this? Do we need that?” and then the other person has to run around the house with the phone, doing a one-handed scavenger hunt.

Some people say that you should go food shopping as a couple, because it’s a night out without the kids, and you can help each other remember what to buy. But that way, you’re both going to forget. Sure, you can have your kids stay home and call them, but when have they ever been able to find anything?

“Do we have any milk?”

“Where would it be?”

“In the fridge.”

“I don’t see it… Oh, I left it on the table.”

But the best way to remember what you need is to put away groceries and suddenly stop and yell, “Potatoes!” and have whoever’s helping you say, “Wha—?… Why did you just yell potatoes?”

Dear Mordechai,

I forgot to do my taxes. Is it too late?

Taxes!

Dear Taxes,

Yeah, you missed it. Better luck next year.

First off, I’m glad you’re asking me this question, instead of a tax professional.

You can’t even run it to the post office at this point and just tell them to pre-date it. The post office gets paid through tax money, so you know whose side they’re on. You might as well just check yourself into the local prison right now. They let you do that. You can make reservations, like a hotel. Make sure to request non-smoking.

According to what I looked up, though, you might not want to check yourself into a prison just yet.

Firstly, if the government owes you money, nothing will happen. You’ll just never get that money. So if your income is baruch Hashem very low, you’re OK. But if you owe them money, you’re definitely in trouble. And the only way to tell whether you’re in trouble is by doing your taxes. That’s how they get you.

You don’t go to jail right away, though. If you owe them, they fine you 5% of your unpaid bill every month, to a maximum of 25%. I don’t know what happens once you hit 25%. I assume beheadings are on the table.

In the meantime, the IRS will send you several reminders to file, which they should’ve sent you in the first place. On election day, you get 85 phone calls, but when Tax Day is coming, no one says anything. It’s like they want the extra 5%.

Also, if you remember within toch kdei dibbur of the 15th, you might be able to file an extension, which allows you an October 15th deadline, because if you forgot to file your taxes Pesach time, you’re going to remember to do it in the month of three Yomim Tovim and two fasts. Sure, you’re going to say that there are months in between, but we all know you’re going to wait until the last minute. You had 3½ months to do it on time, but you were all, “I can’t this month because of Tu B’Shvat,” and so on.

But if you do end up in prison, make sure to make up an exciting story as to why you’re there. Your “I forgot to file my taxes because of Pesach” story is sure to impress all the other bad eggs.

Eggs!

I have to call my wife.

Have a question for “How Should I Know?” Don’t ask me when I’m at my desk.

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].