Dear Penina,

I’ve been married for five years and I truly have a great marriage. My husband is a great guy and is very good to me. Since we got married, my husband has been very close with his mom, seeking her advice and trying to make her happy. At first, I was proud of him and the relationship he had with his mother but as our marriage progressed, he became even closer and I feel as if she is third wheeling our marriage. I am not comfortable with some of the things he is sharing with her and he consults with her about matters I wish he would talk to me about. When it comes to yontif and Shabbos, he feels bad saying no to any of her requests and it seems like he is becoming a pushover. Even though I am very close with my parents and want to give them nachas, I make sure to put my marriage first. I want my husband to be close with his parents but not at the expense of our relationship. How do I communicate with my husband that while it’s important to be a good son, I shouldn’t feel that his mother is an extension of him?

Sincerely,
The second or third wheel

Dear Second or Third Wheel,

Let’s discuss your question in two parts. First, let’s address the actual problem. Then let’s discuss how to communicate your concerns to your husband.

Your problem is actually quite common. This is because we are raised with a strong emphasis on honoring our parents. Therefore, when we get married, some people don’t realize that they need to adjust their relationship with their parents and emphasize the needs of their spouse.

The Torah (Bereishit 2:24) records a comment by Adam HaRishon upon learning of the creation of his wife, Chava: “Therefore, man shall abandon his mother and father and cling to his wife.” Radak points out that he didn’t mean that someone should literally abandon his parents upon getting married. The obligations to honor them and serve them are still applicable. However, when a person gets married, he should move away from his parents’ home and establish a new home.

As such, the very first piece of marriage advice in the Torah is quite profound. A successful marriage requires honoring one’s parents and maintaining a relationship with them while also starting a new chapter in life, where a new home is established and certain boundaries are set between the parents and the married children.

This is an important foundation of marriage and if someone doesn’t learn this by example or through instruction, they may not realize it. That being said, it’s an extremely hurtful dynamic to experience, and it’s quite difficult to have to be the one to request changes from your spouse.

Your mother-in-law should know better than to put this kind of pressure on her son. This may be an indication that her own marriage is unhealthy if she doesn’t see what she is doing wrong. Parents should model and empower prioritizing one’s spouse. If someone has poor boundaries, it puts us in a difficult spot as we are forced to set stronger boundaries.

You mentioned the difficulty you find in his oversharing with her, consulting with her and not being able to say no. You are correct that these issues should be addressed and worked on so that they don’t hurt your relationship.

Now let’s move on to how to communicate this to your husband. I know that you’re hoping that he will just read this column and figure out that it’s about him, but it usually doesn’t work like that. If he does read this column, he will likely assume that we’re talking about someone else. So let’s discuss how to do this.

I think you should tell your husband that you want to talk to him about something important. First, let him know how wonderful he is. Then, let him know that you have been delaying this topic because you don’t want to hurt his feelings. However, you realize that not sharing your true feelings is creating more pain for you, and you know that to have a strong relationship and to be a good wife to him you each need to be able to let each other know when hurtful things happen.

Next, let him know that you understand why this is so hard because he is such a good and caring person, and that you can relate to how hard it is to say no to parents. However, this issue can’t be ignored. Let him know that by working on these issues, you will have a stronger connection and work better together, and you will be able to model healthy marriage for your children.

Sincerely,
Penina

Please send your questions (or if you are asking for a friend) to my confidential email address, [email protected]. You can remain anonymous if you prefer.