I don’t know why, but people always assume that I’m good at Scrabble just because I’m a writer. I have a way with words, right? Supposedly. But I’m more into using words that people actually know. Most professional writers are. And that’s not how you win at Scrabble.
I mention this because Merriam-Webster just released its new edition of its official Scrabble dictionary, and the big news that they’re telling everyone is that it now includes 5,000 more words than the previous dictionary! I’m not even sure that I know 5,000 words, and I’m a writer!
Scrabble is a popular game that combines several things that people consider fun—spelling, dictionaries, trying not to bump into the board and assigning a number point system to letters. For example, the letter E is worth 1 point, and you get like 20 of them. Meanwhile, the letter Q is worth 10 points, and you can only really use it if you also have a U. And the game doesn’t come with U’s.
So basically, you get your hand, and you have a million E’s, I’s and O’s, and you sit there in silence and think that this must be how Old McDonald felt.
REBBETZIN MCDONALD: “Um, that’s not a word.”
OLD MCDONALD: “Yes it is. It means farm.”
Then you spend what feels like an hour and a half staring at your vowels and waiting for your opponent to come out of his coma and put out some letters, and you pass the time by actually coming up with what you feel is a great move, only to have him go and mess up your plans with a word that is not even a word. But good news! They made the dictionary bigger.
Sure, they can add 5,000 words, but when I add words, people call it cheating. And meanwhile, when my opponent uses a word like QI, that’s not cheating, even though he has no idea what it means.
I know what it means, because I looked it up. Apparently, it’s a Chinese word meaning “life force.”
A Chinese word? Really? How can there be Chinese words? They have a different alphabet! Who’s telling you how the Chinese spell QI?
On the other hand, we Yidden have a different alphabet too, and there are plenty of accepted Jewish scrabble words. SCHMUTZ, for example, is on the list of new words. The Chinese get a life force of the entire universe, and we get schmutz.
The good news is that if you get schmutz on the board, you get 23 points. Good luck doing that with no U.
But my point is that the Scrabble dictionary can’t figure out how to spell Jewish words. For example, all of the following are accepted words: TSOORIS, TSORES, TSORRISS, TSURIS, TSOURIS and TZURIS. Also, if you want to pluralize it, the Scrabble dictionary suggests “TZURISES.”
Not that this is something we should make a big deal about. We should all have such tzurises.
On the bright side, there’s also a whole list of acceptable English words that sound Yiddish, such as BRISK, FARFETCHED, CONNIPTION, CONCOCTION, SVELTE, SHUCKS and DOILY.
Either way, here are some of the new words, along with definitions:
BEATBOX—when you make drum sounds with your mouth, so that instead of annoying your friends with your attempt at singing, you give them a shower.
BLING—jewelry (Ex. “I bought my kallah some bling [blings?]”)
BUZZKILL—someone who pulls out a dictionary in the middle of a Scrabble game.
CHILLAX—when you want to say “chill,” and then in the middle of the word you change your mind and decide to say “relax,” and then you pretend you did it on purpose.
FRENEMY—someone who’s nice to you but actually hates your guts (Ex. “By the time we finished the Scrabble game, we were all frenemies.”)
FUNPLEX—a noisy building where you go when it rains on Chol Hamoed.
GI—those pajamas people wear when they do karate. (Karate is a discipline that allows you to beat people up using only your pajamas. Sorry, GI.)
MEH—an expression of not being impressed. Commonly used by goats. (Ex. “I bought some goat feed from the machine!” “Meh.”)
QAJAQ—the Inuit spelling of “kayak,” which is a boat made for one person, because sometimes you have to travel downriver and can’t find seven other guys who want to go. KAYAK is worth 16 points, while QAJAQ is worth 30, though if you’d play it you’d be cheating, because the board only comes with one Q.
SUDOKU—like Scrabble, for people who are into numbers. And anti-social. Newspapers often run these puzzles so their readers can figure out whether there is a possible solution, or whether the paper just stuck in random numbers that may or may not work and marked it “challenging.”
TE—A drink with jam and bread.
YESSIREE—a combination of “yes” and “sir,” and, for some reason “ee.” This term is used to both agree with a superior and annoy him at the same time.
But they’re definitely right to keep adding words. They have to keep updating their dictionary, or else we’d still be playing Shakespearean words like FORSOOTH, WHENCE and MORROW.
“BETWIXT! 19 points!”
“Betwixt is a word?”
“Verily. Gaze upon yonder dictionary.”
“I will! Wherever do you keep it?”
“I said. Yonder.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
By Mordechai Schmutter
