After a long hiatus, I ran into Mark Twain recently who was eager to share some of his thoughts on recent current events. He began by telling me how upset he felt over the coronavirus pandemic and the disruptions and loss of life it brought in its wake. He then listed several observations on how we might better withstand the changes wrought by recent events. As in my previous essays about Twain, the thoughts expressed below are strictly his own and I take no responsibility for his views:
1. “Have you noticed how we’ve been bombarded the last two months by many short-handed acronyms and abbreviations, representing organizations that are supposed to help us navigate through these challenging times? After studying these organizations carefully I can conclude that not all abbreviations are equal! Between confusing terms and incomplete or unreliable news reports, these entities fall into roughly two categories: those partially or totally deemed unreliable (that’s most of them!) and those few that we can rely on. In the first group you can include such as WHO, CDC and CNN, each of whom have reported opinion as fact and spewed statistics that are incomplete or deceptive. What is a person to do when he can’t get the truth from supposed, accurate sources? Well, in Bergen County, until recently an unfortunate epidemic center, we find a very reliable group that goes by the name of the RCBC that has provided meaningful guidance to the community throughout the crisis. The RCBC has advised the locals that they will not recommend that the stay-at-home restrictions be lifted until such time as it is perfectly safe to do so, setting the highest standards in that regard.”
2. “America has lived through many pandemic outbreaks over the centuries. In my lifetime alone, we faced cholera, smallpox, influenza, yellow fever, plague and syphilis, just to name a few—without any antibiotics and rather primitive healthcare facilities. Yet, we got by in the end, came up with vaccines and treatments and went on to grow our communities after the crises passed. That’s why it’s important to keep things in perspective, as difficult as it may be. I observe that there have been many technological advances over recent years for which we couldn’t find general applications. Then, without warning, along comes an epidemic and that innovation becomes the routine: tThink distance learning and Zooming conferences, not to mention needed advances in cyber security. All in good time, we will succeed in conquering this particular outbreak.”
3. “Early in the previous century, a famous Cambridge professor of modern history, John Bury, completed a major work, “The Idea of Progress.” In it he reviewed the concept of progress from the ancient world through the 1930s in a detailed survey. Bury believed mankind would over time improve the quality of life, but recognized it wouldn’t be a linear process. Considering the publication of his book just preceded the horror of the rise of Fascism in Europe and Asia with its attendant slaughter, not to mention the outbreak of disease worldwide, our current pandemic seems to fit very well in the predictable cycles of progress and decay.”
4. “In the midst of all the drama and disruption that we’ve been living through, have you noticed there’s been no slowdown in inventive marketing advertising and commercials? Every pizza company, for example, now advertises that each pie, following its emergence from the oven, will be “untouched by human hands” from that point to your plate. Novel delivery options for everything from prescriptions to paper plates, books, masks and even chickens have sprung up overnight. Maybe the most unusual of recent marketing schemes concerns conventional products that are being described by the vendors as “remarkable breakthroughs.
“I speak of course of that gentleman who must have spent many sleepless nights dreaming up a new pillow that at least as far as I can see resembles in all respects the pillows I’ve been using all my life in Missouri, New York and Connecticut. He insists that his pillow will give you the best sleep you’ve ever had. I somehow doubt it. Following the introduction of his new discovery, he has introduced a follow-up product, sets of linens made from “the softest cotton in the world”—Egyptian cotton grown near Giza in the Nile delta. Now I don’t know about you but just having made the exodus from bondage in Egypt, I can do without Egyptian cotton.
“After my recent comments regarding MyPillow, I happened to come across a report online that read:
“‘Full of Fluff? MyPillow ordered to pay $1 million by California courts for Bogus Ads: Courts held that My Pillows won’t cure snoring, fibromyalgia, or any other medical condition, including insomnia, sleep apnea or restless leg syndrome as implied in company ads.’
“As if you thought it could. As for all those Egyptian lovers out there, I doubt soft Giza sheets, also sold by MyPillow will protect you from the 10 plagues. But they’re probably comfortable.” —M.T.
Joseph Rotenberg, a frequent contributor to The Jewish Link, has resided in Teaneck for over 45 years with his wife, Barbara. His first collection of short stories and essays, entitled “Timeless Travels: Tales of Mystery, Intrigue, Humor and Enchantment,” was published in 2018 by Gefen Books and is available online at Amazon.com. He is currently working on a follow-up volume of stories and essays.
