Dear Dr. Chani,

Having been married for several years, I thought that, eventually, my mother-in-law would accept me and respect me. Yet, I am still struggling with the tension that I felt between us since I got married. Now that my children are getting old enough to understand how I feel, I would really like to improve our dynamic and get rid of the resentment that I feel towards my mother-in-law.

Of course I know all of the typical mother-in-law jokes, but I thought that they were an exaggeration. I never would have thought that my mother-in-law would be worse than any of them. She is very critical … and she lets me know it. Whenever she visits our home, my mother-in-law is quick to point out what she thinks I should be doing differently. She opens the drawers in all of the rooms to see how neat and organized everything is. She gives me unwanted advice about how to raise my children. She also tells us what she thinks we should and should not do in many areas such as our family finances, healthcare and education. I try to smile and nod to whatever she says, but deep inside, I feel so judged, belittled and inadequate.

When I ask my husband what he thinks about our situation, he says that he is used to his mother and that she will never change. He understands why I get upset, but he has a different approach. He believes that we should accept her personality as she is and not get bothered by her.

I respect my husband’s loving and laid-back approach but I have not been able to get myself to feel the same way. Sometimes I even feel upset at him for not being on my team and sticking up for me. I really do not want my frustration with my mother-in-law to be an issue between me and my husband. How can I feel comfortable in my relationship with my in-laws so that we can all get along?

Sincerely,
Wishful Thinking

Dear Wishful Thinking,

I am happy for you that you are reaching out to improve your relationship with your mother-in-law and have not entirely given up. Even though it may seem like nothing can change, your situation is not hopeless. Let’s explore what you can do to shift your mindset and navigate your relationship.

The first step to develop a healthy relationship with your mother-in-law is to create the right mindset towards interacting with her. The way you think affects the way you feel, and the way you feel affects the way you act.

This is true regarding the way you see your mother-in-law’s behavior. It seems clear to you that your mother-in-law is almost always negative or critical. Challenge yourself to ask if this interpretation is always correct. Here’s what might be happening. When you have a negative image of your mother-in-law in your mind, it is easy for everything she does to trigger you negatively. We tend to have a confirmation bias, which means that once we believe something to be true, we tend to focus on and interpret things to strengthen or confirm our preexisting beliefs. In your case, if you believe that your mother-in-law is judgmental and critical of you, you will tend to interpret every comment that she makes through that prism. For example, if she says that your children look tired, you might think that she is insinuating that you don’t know when to put them to sleep. Yet, at face value, her comment does not necessarily point a finger at your parenting abilities. She may simply be noticing that they appear to be tired. This is why it is important to develop a more neutral, balanced mindset.

How could you change your mindset? One idea that can help you develop a positive approach to your in-laws is based on the Jewish values of honoring your parents and being thankful for the good people do. Reminding yourself that your mother-in-law gave birth to and raised your wonderful husband can help you enhance your appreciation for her. Feeling gratitude to her for raising the husband that you cherish can serve as a stable foundation for you to build a positive attitude towards her.

Another aspect that can motivate you to relate positively to your mother-in-law is recognizing that, despite your personal reactions, relating positively to her will benefit your family all around. The more that you get along with your in-laws, the less that your husband and children will be in an awkward position being caught in the tension between family members they love. Family harmony contributes to a feeling of emotional stability for your children and demonstrates to them how to honor parents, focus on the positive, and get along with people.

So what can you do to improve the dynamic between you and your mother-in-law so that you will not feel resentful towards her?

One of the most important steps is to enlist the help of your husband. Explain that you need to discuss your feelings with him so he may understand where you are coming from. You can elaborate on the fact that even though your husband has his own ways of dealing with what is going on, you need his support to be able to deal with it your way. Talk to him about how you are feeling and how he can support you.

After your husband understands what you need in your conversations, you can explain that you also need him to intervene to help you set boundaries with his parents. Over time, he can join you in pointing out to them what topics you are open to talking about and topics that you would prefer they not discuss. He can also join you in explaining to his mother that there are areas of the house that he would prefer to keep private so that she learns not to explore all of your drawers. Since they are his parents it is easier if your husband diplomatically intervenes whenever his parents overstep their boundaries.

Another step you can take is to look for opportunities to appreciate your in-laws and express gratitude towards them. When they make you feel criticized and small, it can be hard to feel any positivity towards them. This is why it is helpful to make an effort to acknowledge the good and to compliment them for it. The more you look for opportunities to thank them, the more you will be able to balance out your negative reactions to them.

The last point to keep in mind is that you can help manage the situation by building up yourself. This is especially important if your mother-in-law is extremely difficult. In fact, if she is exceedingly toxic, you may find it challenging to implement some of these suggestions. For example, it might be hard to keep trying to see your mother-in-law positively when she is so caustic. If so, there is something else that it is important to be mindful of. You do not need to be affected by toxic behavior from other people. The more you remind yourself of your own intrinsic value, the less negativity from others can affect you. This can be hard work, but it allows you a richness of life and freedom that can be well worth the effort. A core idea to be mindful of is that, ultimately, no one can make us feel bad without our own permission. You have the ability to deal with toxic people and emerge unscathed, and stronger.

Taking these ideas to heart; working on them can help you emerge stronger, more resilient and in control than before. This will enable you to lead by example and develop the harmony that will benefit you along with your entire family.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your personal and professional relationships, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.