I’m really excited about my new phone.

It’s a desk phone. I don’t know why you’d care. But everyone’s always subjecting me to listen to them talk about all the features of their phones, so today I’m going to talk about all the features of mine.

I’m not always the most up-to-date on technology, but with this phone, I get it. I really do. And just like people stare adoringly at their phones when they’re in public, sometimes when I’m sitting and working, I find myself pausing to stare adoringly at my desk phone.

Growing up, I don’t think my parents really had a desk phone. Maybe they had one at the office that they used for work purposes only.

We had a wall phone, but that wasn’t the same. The wall phone was in the kitchen, because someone at some point in history was selecting a room for all phones to be in, and he picked the kitchen. It’s not clear why.

And this new phone is actually great for most of what I do with a phone, which is procrastinating making phone calls and trying to get people off the phone.

To be honest, there’s nothing about my phone that anyone would care about whose phone it is not. I promise you that seeing it will not change your life in any significant way.

That said, I totally get why people want to tell you in person about the features of their new phones: Because they spent a lot of money, and it’s a new item, and they want to talk about it, but they’ve found that no one will call them to hear this stuff. And as much as people use a phone, you can only really tell people about your phone in person. That’s the one thing we as a society still have to talk about in person. That’s why people keep getting new phones—so they can share the details of them face-to-face. They’re desperate for human contact. You can’t even send someone a picture of your phone, unless maybe you photograph a mirror. Or you have a second identical phone that is not the phone that you’re bragging about.

The other way to enjoy a new item, of course, is to use it a lot, but as I said, all my calls are pretty short. I’ve even been picking up for junk calls these days, just so I can use my phone, but there are only so many times I can hear a recording of an apology from a third-party utility company that I got overcharged by an energy supplier. How about an apology call for lying on the caller ID?

And look at all the features!

1. It gets great reception. I never have to worry about not having enough bars. Never. Though I do sometimes get a buzzing on the line when it rains.
2. I never lose the phone. I always know exactly where it is, no matter where I am: It’s at home, on my desk. I don’t need a “Find My Phone” app. I just need to find my house. I never pat myself down, in a panic, to see whether I’ve lost my desk phone. I have also never dropped this phone on the floor, I’ve never almost dropped it in the toilet, and it’s never in danger of getting pushed into a pool with me.
3. It will work even if there’s a power outage. Of course, nothing else on my desk will work, so I probably won’t be sitting there.
4. It has Speed Dial. When I want to call someone that I call all the time, such as my wife and for some reason my own cell phone, I just have to push one button. I don’t even have to pick up the handset. It goes right to speakerphone.

One button. You think your smartphone is instant, but if you’ve ever seen someone trying to use the speed dial on their smartphone, there’s always like 30 awkward seconds while they try to get to the right screen that has the calling app and find the person’s listing and then decide which of that person’s many numbers to call. You think that’s not what you look like when you use a smartphone? Or else they use the voice feature, and say, “Call Name,” and then they have to repeat themselves and cancel calls that have started dialing like they’re talking to an extremely hard-of-hearing assistant who can’t read lips or gauge intent. And who continues dialing the first phone number he or she thought you said even as you’re yelling at him or her to stop.

5. I never accidentally pocket-dial someone. And it will never happen unless I sit on my desk. Whereas with cell phones, your upper thigh can do that whole 30-second process of opening the right app and looking up a number and dialing the person and staying on the line while they go, “Hello? Hello?” until they figure out what must have happened.
6. I never bring it to shul. Despite its convenient size. I don’t even have a taavah to do so, and then play with it after Shemoneh Esrei, or feel for it like everyone else does when we hear a phone ringing, or exchange phone numbers with someone after shul and program their number in while they watch.

Anyway, what is my point here? I’m not trying to convince you to get a desk phone instead of a cell phone. Cell phones have some nice features, too. You can daven Mincha on them, and there are apps that remember Yaaleh V’yavo so you don’t have to! This is more like an ad for desk phones, I guess. Get a desk phone! Unless you don’t have a desk. And I’m especially talking to my younger readers. A lot of yeshivas have policies against certain phones, but I have yet to hear of a place that has a policy against desk phones. And these places are nothing but desks! Though they probably won’t be thrilled with all the wires.

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].