May 20, 2024
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May 20, 2024
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Linking Northern and Central NJ, Bronx, Manhattan, Westchester and CT

How did The Jewish Link decide on its name? Did the selection result from intense and prolonged deliberation or an unexpected and sudden brainstorm? Was it the product of extreme vetting and focus groups or did the powers-that-be just roll it out with supreme confidence? Did it fulfill someone’s dream or was it the only viable option after trademark and copyright due diligence?

Believe it or not, here at Oy Vey! headquarters, we are not privy to (and we are too lazy to investigate) the real answer, so we must do what we do best: recklessly speculate.

Were the publishers of The Jewish Link concerned that the “Link” portion of the name would make it sound like a newspaper that focuses on spicy sausages (hot links), golf courses (links) or ornamental devices for fastening the ends of a shirt sleeve (cufflinks)? Maybe and, for the record, hotdogs, golf and dress shirts sounds like a perfect yeshiva fundraising event.

Were the publishers fearful that the “Link” in The Jewish Link could easily be used by critics in scathing reviews titled “Weakest Link”? No, because The Jewish Link is weekly, not weakly.

Truth be told, The Jewish Link certainly is a far better name than the (i) Jewish Divider, (ii) Jewish Platke-Macher or (iii) Jewish Nudnik. That said, perhaps the best way to assess the “Jewish Link” moniker is to consider some relatively reasonable “ink”-sounding alternatives.

1. Jewish Blink: For news that happens so fast, if you blink, you’ll miss it. It’s even faster than the reading of the names of Haman’s ten sons.

2. Jewish Rink: For news about heimish ice hockey events, with headlines like (i) “How to Keep Your Yamaka On When Celebrating a Hat-trick,” (ii) “How to Make a Zamboni baloney sandwich” and (iii) “How to Install a Mezuzah on a Penalty Box.”

3. Jewish Pink: For news about salmon, with headlines like (i) “The Keys to Lox,” (ii) “Peter Pan-Seared Salmon: For fish lovers who don’t want to grow up,” and (iii) “Spicy Salmon Role: The Actor Who Became a Sushi Chef.”

4. Jewish Think: To honor the Link’s roster of mostly deep-thinking contributors. (Yes, this Oy Vey column is more shallow-thinking. If it was any shallower, it would be seabed.)

5. Jewish Brink: For news that is right on the edge of not really being news, with headlines like (i) “The Sun is Still Shining,” (ii) “The Earth is Still Spinning” and (iii) “The Pachech is Still Pacheching.”

6. Jewish Sink: For news about the dangers of sinkholes, with headlines like “Sinkholes: Even The Earth Struggles With Depression.”

7. Jewish Kink: For news about imperfections, with headlines like “Ironing Out the Kinks: How to Make Your Shabbos Tablecloth Appear Perfectly Smooth.”

8. Jewish Prink: For news about those who always primp and preen before making any public appearance, with headlines like “Makeup Make-ups: How to Look Your Best When Apologizing.”

9. Jewish Wink: For news that is filled with silly “wink-wink, nudge-nudge” jokes that are seldom as funny as the author believes. (If you read this column regularly, then you’ve experienced this.)

10. Jewish Stink: For news about foul smells, with headlines like “Something’s Fishy: Why Would Anyone Wear Gefilte-Scented Perfume?”

There is a valid argument that, at this juncture, The “Jewish Link” could drop the word “Jewish” because it is superfluous. Current readers of the Link know that it’s a Jewish publication and new readers can easily glean this fact from front-page headlines like (i) “The Shul is Full: Synagogue Seating for High Holidays is Sold Out,” (ii) “Thanks A Glatt: Showing Gratitude to Your Mashgiach,” and (iii) “Blast From the Past: Discovery of an Ancient Shofar.”

While the “Jewish” in The Jewish Link may be unnecessary at this point, it’s better than having an arguably redundant name like the (i) “Jewish Shpiel” (the Jewish version of Mad Magazine), (ii) “Jewish Yenta” (the Jewish version of The National Inquirer) or (iii) “Jewish Balebusta” (the Jewish version of Martha Stewart Living). Of course, keeping the “Jewish” in Jewish Link is important because it is a source of pride for our and the greater Jewish community. If The Jewish Link were known only as the “Link,” that would be like calling a “Yiddishe Mama” simply mama. In both cases, the abridged name is just not sufficiently descriptive or satisfying.

The Jewish Link also has a presence on-line and through social media but, in a perfect world, that on-line presence would be even more Jewish. For example, instead of having a Facebook page, it should have a Shayna-Punim page. It also should avoid Tik-Tok and try Schlik-Schlock.

Final thought: What would be the worst name for a newspaper? Answer: Old News.

By Jon Kranz


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