Today’s article is about how to boost a car.

A lot of people are scared of boosting cars, because boosting cars is a multi-step process, and if you don’t do it exactly right, you can get electrocuted and run over by two different cars. We personally don’t even understand why, when you hook up a working car to a non-working car, the non-working car will start and not vice versa.

But boosting a car is a very important thing to know how to do. Sure, you can say, “Ah, my spouse knows how to do it.” But what if she’s not there?

HOW TO BOOST A CAR WITH ONLY SOME INJURY:

1. The most common way to boost a car is with a second car. So go to a car dealership and buy one. See if they’ll throw in jumper cables.

2. Alternatively, you can buy a new battery. The average car battery weighs about as much as a frozen turkey, so good luck getting it home without a car.

3. Go back to the store and get some jumper cables. Jumper cables are one of the scariest things you own. They’re four clamps with teeth connected to each other by a thick wire, and if any of the clamps touch each other, the universe will explode. This probably won’t be a problem, though, because there are four clamps and you have two hands.

4. The next step is to flag down someone who has a car and is willing to face it the wrong way on the street just to save you from having to call a tow truck.

5. If you have no friends, you can also get a AAA membership, and they’ll schlep out in their pajamas to help you. AAA is like that friend you have who will show up at any hour of the day or night, except that he knows how to use jumper cables.

6. Before you start the jumping process, turn the key in your ignition again, just in case the car changed its mind. Likely, this won’t happen. But you know how whenever you try to show someone something, it doesn’t work? The hope is that now that you’ve flagged down a friend and you try to show him that your car doesn’t work, it will suddenly spring to life and make you look like an idiot. But at least an idiot that’s going places.

7. Pull the working vehicle up to the one that won’t start. Not vice versa. This is pretty important to remember.

8. No, we don’t know why they don’t make those wires longer. In what situation is it ever convenient to put two cars that close together, nose to nose? Are you breaking down in middle of a parking lot?

9. According to every single instructional manual, “Make sure both cars are turned off.” If your dead car is not turned off, you might not have to boost it.

10. Open the hood of your car and locate your battery. In most cars, the hood will be the part that sticks out in front.

11. Opening your hood is a two-step process. Possibly more. You actually have to do the first step from inside your car. This is a way of ensuring that no one uses your car to jump-start theirs when you’re not around.

12. Go into your car and pull the little handle that has a picture of your hood on it.

13. Get out of your car and close your trunk, your gas tank and anything else you may have opened while you were looking around for the handle, such as the garage.

14. Prop the hood open so it doesn’t slam shut on you, because your friend getting you out will be a two-step process. Possibly more.

15. Now comes the tricky part: Between the working car and the dead car, you have two batteries, each with two terminals, and if you don’t attach the right clamps to the right terminals in exactly the right order, you will learn some pretty important life lessons. But don’t worry. Fewer than thousands of people die every year trying to start their car.

16. According to most manuals we read, first you attach the red, or “positive,” cable to the “positive” battery terminal of the non-working car, which is the safest car to start with, because it’s nonworking. Then, while saying Tehillim, attach the red cable to the positive terminal of the working car. Then, without tripping over the cable, attach the negative, or “black,” clamp to the negative terminal of the working car, and then attach the black cable to anything but the negative terminal of the non-working car. You’re supposed to find something on your car that is metal and non-painted to attach it to instead, for grounding purposes, whatever that means. But according to the manuals, if you don’t do it this way, you’ll be in for a shock. So don’t be surprised.

17. Some people might have problems remembering which color cable is positive and which is negative. A good mnemonic device is that if you forget, you’ll blow up your car.

18. Have your friend turn on the working car while you stand a safe distance away. Using a cell phone, tell him to leave his car on for a few minutes, and also have him make “vroom vroom” noises with his gas pedal, as well as with his mouth.

19. After a few minutes, your car should start. If it doesn’t work, there’s either something wrong with your car or something wrong with this article. Your guess is as good as ours.

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia, The Jewish Press, and Aish.com, among others. He also has four books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].

By Mordechai Schmutter