I think it’s high time we answered some of the common questions people are having about the COVID vaccine. This may have been done elsewhere, but so far not in a humor column, which is proven to be the best way to disseminate crucial medical information.

Should I get the vaccine, or what?

I’d recommend it. It’s great! You just get stabbed in front of a whole line of people, and then you just get sick for like a few days, and then a month later, you get another shot, and you get sick for a few days!

How does this vaccine work?

Near as I can tell, the vaccine works by giving you the flu, which fights the COVID, and the two go into battle with their tiny little spikes. And the flu wins, because it’s been around longer.

What happens after I get the shot?

You get a card you can carry around, or, if you do it at CVS like I did, you get a receipt that’s a mile long.

No, I mean right after.

Oh, you legally have to sit there for 15 minutes on the flimsiest folding chairs they can find. Ostensibly, they’re trying to monitor you for reactions, but most people’s reactions, as far as I can tell, is to play on their phones.

Do people usually have side effects in the first 15 minutes?

Not in our experience. I was there twice, and it wasn’t just people falling out of their folding chairs the whole time. Most reactions seem to happen later.

I think they say “15 minutes” to give people time to calm down, because they don’t want you to immediately yank off your mask and go, “Yeah!” and run into the street.

So when can I take off my mask?

According to the CDC, “After two weeks, it may be safe to get together indoors without a mask with other people who are also fully vaccinated. Or with one family who isn’t.”

Is this one family at a time, or do you pick one family, and that’s who you can hang with? This is unclear.

When can I stop washing my hands?

What?!

How long is it going to take for this whole process of everyone getting the vaccine?

Well, we’ve had over a year of corona and not everyone’s gotten that yet …

Yes, but people are hiding from corona.

Not that much, apparently. And people are hiding from the vaccine, no? And you can’t accidentally give someone the vaccine. Like you go out, vaccinated, and then you cough, and suddenly everyone in the room is vaccinated.

And then they have to sit down for 15 minutes.

Aren’t vaccines just a way for the government to implant something in my body that tracks my movement at all times?

No, you already carry a phone that does that.

But honestly, you’ve never gotten vaccines before?

Yeah, I have, but this one took a little too quick to develop, no?

I mean, didn’t you want it created quicker? What do you mean “too quick”?

This. This is too quick.

How long does it normally take to create a vaccine?

I don’t know. I usually don’t pay attention.

In your opinion, how long should it have taken?

Well, I mean chicken pox took thousands of years…

That’s a great point.

You’re not happy with this one only because you know how long it took. Doctors can create the vaccine for something over the course of 20 years, and that will make you happy, but for all you know, they were sitting around for the first 19½, and then they said, “Shoot! The vaccine!” and churned it out on a Friday afternoon.

What can I expect after I get the vaccine?

The first side effect is that no matter what vaccine you get, everyone will ask, “What vaccine did you get?” Like it matters.

I finally asked someone the point of this question; turns out they were trying to figure out which one had worse side effects.

Is there a difference in side effects? I got the Moderna, and I still wear a black hat. A friend of mine got the Pfizer, and I asked him, “Did you have any side effects?” And he said, “So Pfar I haven’t Pfelt any!”

There’s definitely a difference in time. Pfizer’s shots are 21 days apart and then you have to wait a week, whereas Moderna’s shots are 28 days apart and then you have to wait two weeks.

How does a company even figure out that their vaccine is effective 14 days after the second dose?

SCIENTIST #1: “Well, this batch didn’t work.”

SCIENTIST #2: “Maybe we should try giving them a second dose? In a month?”

SCIENTIST #1: “All right… It still didn’t work.”

SCIENTIST #2: “What if we wait a couple of weeks and do nothing? Maybe that will work.”

GUINEA PIG: “Can I go home yet?”

SCIENTIST #1&2: “No.”

Like sometimes I take Advil and I’m like, “I still have the headache; it didn’t work,” and my wife says, “Did you try waiting 14 days?”

I already had COVID. Is there a point to me getting the vaccine?

I mean, you’ve gotten the flu more than once, right? Don’t you get a vaccine for that every year? What if I told you that someone is sticking a needle into your arm to prevent the likelihood that someone else will have to stick another tongue depressor up your nose?

“No, I’d rather get my immunity the old-fashioned way, by being sick for two weeks.”

If nothing is guaranteed, why bother?

Ultimately, if Hashem wants to bypass the safeguards, the safeguards won’t matter. Let’s put it this way: I can tell you that doctors say that if you stop eating altogether, you will probably die. So you say, “Oh, so if I eat, that’s a guarantee that I will definitely live forever?”

No.

“What if I eat a ton? Like way, way, way too much!”

Then definitely no.

“Oh my goodness, what do you want from me? Forget it; I won’t bother eating.”

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published seven books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].