June 14, 2024
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Kidney Donation Is a Sure Cause of Weight Loss

Anyone interested in losing weight and getting healthy should attend next week’s informative meeting for Renewal in Teaneck. An automatic weight loss of .5 lb. is guaranteed within two weeks of donating a kidney. “Kidneys average between .5 lb and .65 lb, so this is the fastest, easiest, simplest weight loss around. Guaranteed,” said Rabbi Yonah Kneadtukitnies, executive weight loss manager for Renewal. “As a side benefit of looking fabulous, you will also give your recipient a new lease on life.”


Women of the Wool
Strike Back

A group of women who are skilled sweater makers have turned up from the countryside at the Kotel and are demanding space at the sacred place. Called “Women of the Wool,” they insist that the holiness of their sweaters makes it appropriate for a booth to be set up on the women’s side and open for business on all days except Shabbos.

A rival group called “Women of Linen” has already been moved to Robinson’s Arch. The two groups never mix.


Trump Promises Third Temple

Billionaire presidential candidate Donald Trump promised Jewish voters that if elected he would build a new Temple in Jerusalem. Talking about his planned Trump Temple Towers and Casino, the candidate boasted that he was inspired to build the resort after a visit to the Kotel where God left him a note.


Donald Trump to Visit Jewish Link Office

Preparations are being made for the forthcoming visit of Donald Trump to the Jewish Link office on Thursday, March 24. Mr. Trump has decided to honor The Link with an announcement that will definitely rock the Jewish education establishment. Moshe Kinderlehrer, publisher of The Link, in anticipation of this great event has decided to invest in an orange toupee similar to that of Mr. Trump, in order for him not to take note of the publisher’s balding head. The feeling is that one redhead is always more comfortable in the company of another.

Although the Trump camp has been trying to keep his announcement under wraps, we have found out from private sources that within the next few weeks, Mr. Trump will be donating five million dollars to the Kushner School in Livingston with the understanding that the school will now change its name to Ivanka’s Place. The Kushner family, originally involved in the formation of the school, are gleaming with pride at this move which will bring to the forefront the outstanding contribution to Yiddishkeit that their daughter-in-law and niece has brought to the world of Judaism. Thought even went so far as to consider her becoming a maharat in the community, but Ivanka quietly refused this great honor. Her intense interest in family time on Friday night with her growing brood would not allow her the necessary time it would take to prepare sermons to be given on Shabbat.


Republicans to Engage in 372nd Debate on Fox

For the 372nd time, Donald, Marco, Ted and what’s-his-name from Ohio will be debating yet again. Marco is only seven bejillion delegate votes behind Trump, but the Florida senator said he still isn’t giving up hope.

Donald is now threatening to charge the network for his debate and news conference appearances, saying, “They know I’m the only reason people are watching.”

Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton have also debated so much, people are saying they remind them of their parents when their mother was yelling at their father for refusing to ask for directions.

CNN has announced it has received such high ratings and ad revenues from the debates it will be continuing the debates after the November elections. Rubio and Cruz, who probably are going to have time on their hands, have all signed contracts, as well as Dr. Ben Carson and Democrat Martin O’Malley.

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