From time to time, I write articles about expressions that people find annoying. And some time ago, I wrote an article that commented on how many of those expressions had something to do with the concept of time. But recently, an alert reader wrote in and asked, “How about the sheer number of expressions there are involving parts of the body?” And she gave me a list of 76 expressions. “It’s truly mind-boggling,” she said.

Mind-boggling was one of them.

For example, there’s the expression “I have two left feet,” which means, “I can’t dance.” Because we all know that coordination and rhythm are found in the right foot. Most people who dance, their right foot gets all the moves, and the left foot just flops along cluelessly behind.

“I have two left feet.”

That’s crazy! So what shoe do you put on first in the morning?

I’m also not into the expression, “back-breaking work.” All work can be back-breaking. I have a herniated disc from years of sitting at a desk and writing humor columns. It is literally back-breaking work, but I don’t think that’s what the Mitzriyim made us do.

“Where is this week’s humor column? Why is it late?”

“My wife had six babies! No one’s sleeping!”

I also don’t like that if someone narrowly escapes something, we say he did it by the skin of his teeth. Who runs away from someone’s teeth last? Is he backing away in a hurry?

Also, if your teeth have skin, you need to brush better.

And what about, “I have cold feet.” Why is that an expression?

“What happened to the chosson?”

“Cold feet.”

“Makes sense. It’s an outdoor chuppah.”

And then there are some expressions that can only make sense if they come from Yiddishkeit. The rule of thumb, for example. That probably originated with people learning Gemara.

“Why are you waving your thumb around as you’re explaining the rule?”

“So you can follow my logic better!”

Also, the expression, “to wash your hands of something” definitely came from mayim acharonim.

And while we’re at it, the term, “stiff necked” almost definitely came from Yidden. We are stiff-necked people. We’re also largely asthmatic people. And most of us wear glasses. (We are not athletic people.)

And no one can figure out what the story is with backs. For example, the expression, “to give someone a pat on the back” means you’re praising them. Why does that mean praise? I’m guessing that the expression probably came from something people actually do. Or did people start doing it because of the expression? And then what about the expression, “Give yourself a pat on the back?” Who can do that?

But the point is that patting people on the back is definitely a good thing, right? But meanwhile, if you’re on someone’s back, you’re criticizing them. Whereas if you have someone’s back, you’re there to support them. Similarly if you and they are back-to-back, it means you’re working together. But then if they do something behind your back, which they are actually doing if you’re back-to-back, they’re being underhanded with you.

And it’s not just backs. Seeing eye-to-eye with someone is supposed to be good, even though it sounds bad. Also, if you’re eye- to-eye with someone, aren’t you also at each other’s throats? And how is that different from being neck-and-neck with someone?

It’s like the people who make up these expressions didn’t even talk to each other.

And then there’s the expression, “He looks down his nose at me.” Everyone looks down their nose. You can’t look up your nose at someone. I guess the alternative is for him to look at you without involving his nose at all. But the question is, how come to turn your nose up at something is bad, but to keep your chin up is good? How do you pick up your chin but not your nose? Should your chin be higher than your nose?

And what about elbow room? To me, “elbow room” always sounded like a separate room in the house that rich people have.

“And this is our elbow room. If you want to put your elbows on the table, this is where you go. We also have a nice selection of macaroni.”

Is an “elbow room” a room that you go into to rub elbows?

Also, why is it called “rubbing elbows”? Why is that mental picture considered good networking? Are people rubbing each other’s elbows with their elbows, or are they just using their fingertips? I don’t know. In our circles, our elbows are usually covered. And I’m not sorry. Between this and all the talk of elbow grease. I’m not even sure what elbow grease is. Maybe you need it to rub elbows.

Sometimes people don’t really mean to be disgusting. Like they’ll say, “He always has his nose in a book.” He should really invest in bookmarks. Really, he can just use a tissue.

Or they’ll say, “He has a good head on his shoulders.” I take this to be a nice way of saying that the guy has no neck. Like it’s something a shadchan would say. Otherwise, where else would the head be?

Or they can say, “He has his head in the clouds,” which just sounds like he’s tall. It sounds like something you’d put on a shidduch resume if being tall was a bad thing.

But then, there are a lot of expressions that shadchanim might use to hide things. For example, “He’s always been very close to his rebbeim” means he spent a lot of time in the principal’s office, and “He looks up to everyone,” means he’s constantly lying down on the ground. And “He thinks for himself” means he never has any idea what anyone else is talking about.

Are there any expressions that make your blood boil? Feel free to write in with them. We’re also looking for things shadchanim say that intentionally have a second meaning, but that might be for personal reasons.

Special thanks to Ricki Karnowsky.

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].