As a high-school English teacher, I noticed that there’s something that happens to my students over the summer: Somehow, they forget everything they ever knew about school. Mostly they forget the rules. I know this, because I sometimes have the same students two years in a row. This isn’t because they’re left back. It’s because I teach several grades. And believe me, it’s a real treat to have the kids come in the first day and go, “You again? Oh.”

So I guess they do remember some things.

Every year I give my repeating class a quiz about the rules—on the very first day. This totally blows them out of the water, because another thing they forget over the summer is that there are going to be quizzes.

1. What time do you have to be in class every day?

a. There’s class every day?

b. At least 15 minutes after it starts. It’s not like I have to make Barchu.

c. About 10 seconds before the principal checks in.

2. Yeshiva policy is not to eat in class. Why?

a. Who knows why the yeshiva says anything, really?

b. Because even though we’re in 11th grade, we can’t eat a thing without spilling it all over ourselves. And our neighbors.

c. Because instead of thinking about the lesson, everyone around us is thinking either, “I hope he gives me some,” or, “I’m gonna make myself some of that too. But with more butter. Obviously.”

3. Are you allowed to copy off other people’s worksheets?

a. The guy next to me chose “a.”

b. Worksheets aren’t tests. I can copy whatever I want, and then when it’s time for the test, I’m going to somehow know all the material despite never having practiced it.

c. It’s okay; we’re all copying off each other. No one’s sure who’s actually doing the work.

4. What are you expected to bring to class every day?

a. Something to write with, something to write on, and something to keep it in.

b. Enough food for everybody.

c. Pants.

d. How on earth am I supposed to come to class on time if I have to go on a whole scavenger hunt first?

5. On what do I base your grades?

a. On how much you spend whining at me the week before report cards.

b. 1/3 tests, 2/5 worksheets, 1/6 class participation, ¼ homework, and 17/64 final exam.

c. I put a bunch of numbers in a hat.

6. If you’re ever absent, you can assume that…

a. The rest of us did absolutely nothing important in class while you were gone. We just sat around in sackcloth and stared out the window.

b. We managed to pull ourselves together and move on without you.

c. Someone else stepped up and took your place, and hassled me while you were gone.

7. If someone asks me a question about a lesson or a worksheet or anything else that applies equally to everyone, you should assume that…

a. If you ask the same exact question 30 seconds later, the answer will be different.

b. You will definitely not have the same or a similar question when you get up to that part of the worksheet.

c. When you ask the same question later, I’m going to give the same answer, but in a more annoyed voice.

8. If Mr. Schmutter had important things to do at home but nevertheless dragged himself in to yeshiva, what are the chances that he’s going to waste his own time by giving you a free period so you can go play basketball?

a. Pretty high.

b. Not very high.

c. I don’t know. I might as well ask him.

9. Which of the following interruptions are not allowed in class? Check all that apply:

-Drumming

-Singing

-Dancing

-Aerobics

-Water Aerobics

-Standing between the board and my desk, so that you, and only you, can see the board.

-Bothering me about taking off your “warning,” when all your warning does is warn you that the next time you do something, you’ll actually be in trouble. You don’t want to be warned? Fine.

-Throwing things toward the approximate side of the room that the garbage is on.

-Turning the lights off and going, “WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

-Telling me that I should stop teaching something because everyone already knows it, and then asking me how to do every single question on the worksheet.

10. The point of this test was:

a. So you could bother me about every question.

b. To realize that the individual questions don’t matter, and that the point of this was to get you to read the rules, because me saying the rules usually takes the better part of a week.

c. To read it in the newspaper before school even starts, so we can start actually learning on the first day, for a change. Because the first day of school is the one day where everyone’s minds are supposed to be freshest, and what do we do with it? We talk about the rules.

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia, The Jewish Press, and Aish.com, among others. He also has four books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].

By Mordechai Schmutter