The Yomim Noraim is a good time to work on our midot, and what better midah is there to work on than the midah of humility?

“We finished Mussaf at 2.”

“Well, we finished Mussaf at 3!”

So maybe there are better times to work on it. Such as Pesach.

“We finished the Seder at 2!”

Traditionally, we always know that we can learn about humility from our great leaders, such as Donald Trump. We can learn a great deal about gaavah from him, such as when he said… Let me find the quote…

“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”

No, wait. Not that one.

“I have the world’s greatest memory!”

Hang on…

“Sorry, losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest—and you all know it!”

Oh, ok, here it is:

“No one reads the Bible more than me.”

No, that can’t be right.

Oh, here, I found it:

“I think I am actually humble. I think I’m much more humble than you would understand.”

I think we’ve learned a lot from this.

The issue with humility is that it’s one of the most misunderstood midot. For example, I teach high school, using a curriculum that I’ve mostly cobbled together myself, and at some point, someone was thinking of buying that curriculum. But one of the questions he asked was, “Do you find that your students improve over the course of your teaching them?” And I said, “I don’t know. Yes, my 11th graders write better than my 9th graders, but I’m not sure if it’s because of me or because of the two extra years of life experience. I have no way of knowing.”

Now to be honest, that’s true. But by that logic, no one ever knows if they made a difference in anything. In fact, the entire school system might not help at all. It might just be that 20-year-olds are naturally more knowledgeable than 5-year-olds.

School does teach humility, on some level. It’s hard to teach humility as a parent, because ever since your child was a toddler, you’ve been saying, “Wow! You’re such a big boy!” and “You’re the cutest kid ever!” And then the kid gets to school, and no one in his class thinks he’s the cutest kid ever. They thought they were the cutest kid ever.

But I think I had a fundamental misunderstanding of what humility was. Humility is not about not wanting to brag if you’re not sure you’re good at something. That’s just honesty. And low self-esteem. I mean, if that’s how it worked, then how is advertising a thing?

“Buy our product! It’s the best!”

It would be more like, “Buy our product! It’s comparable to all the other products out there! But it’s nothing special!”

And what about political campaigns? Those feel like bragging.

“As a state senator, I passed all these great laws.”

Wow, good for you. I’ve never passed any great laws, but maybe if I was a state senator. I’m just a teacher, and I have to tell you: My laws are not well received.

So it’s not advertising; it’s bragging. And in fact, we’re taught that Shaul became king because he was humble and wasn’t actually trying to become king. Imagine political campaigns doing that:

“Vote for Trump. He doesn’t actually want to be president. He just wants to see how far this can go if he says random things.”

So what even is humility? It sounds like a cologne. (“Humility: For when you want to smell okay, but not better than anyone else.”)

It’s not about saying, “I’m nothing,” I’ll tell you that. Look at the biggest gedolei Torah that you know. How many of them are nothing? None. How many believe they’re nothing? If they did, they would tell people to stop bothering them with shaylos. Don’t you think they’re too smart to think they’re nothing if they’re really not? You figured out that they weren’t nothing, and you’re you. Who are you? Nothing. So then what are anavim?

Grapes.

No, different spelling.

Yes, on one level it means you shouldn’t brag. Bragging is annoying, and people brag about the stupidest things: People brag about how little sleep they’re getting. Wow, you’re so impressed! Those same people fall asleep whenever they have to sit still for more than two minutes. People brag about how much hot sauce they can handle. “That’s not spicy! I’ve had worse.” This is a talent that will help them in life. People brag about how they don’t need to wear a coat when it’s cold. They don’t even necessarily say it out loud. They just stand outside when it’s cold to conspicuously not wear a coat. And they picture people falling over in admiration. People love dropping yichus. “I know that guy. He davens in my shul.”

“You have a shul?”

“No, the shul that I daven in.”

“Well that’s less impressive.”

So here are some tips to becoming humble. That way, people can look at you and say, “Look at that guy! He’s so humble, it’s crazy!”

1. Humility is not about thinking you’re nothing; it’s realizing that everything you have is a gift from Hashem, some assembly required. And you didn’t get Him anything.

2. Remember that you personally are only human. And in your experience, most humans are idiots. Hence, you are an idiot.

3. Realize that everyone has a strength that someone else does not have. For example, your rav is more knowledgeable than you, but you’re probably way better at video games.

4. Always thank people and compliment them to show that they have value too. It’s not just you.

5. Don’t look at the byline under this column. That’s full-on bragging. But I do it for business, so that’s okay.

Anyway, thank you for reading this column. You have a lovely home.

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published seven books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].