Today’s topic is “How to Clean Oil Out of Things.” Never mind why. Let’s get to work:

How to clean oil off the laminated brachos cards your kids made, between the lamination and the paper:

1. I have no idea.

How to clean oil off a floor:

1. Grab whatever you have at hand. The articles that I read suggest using things you have in your kitchen to sop up the oil, like cornstarch, oatmeal, kitty litter, sand, sawdust, and wood shavings. I don’t know why you have some of these things in your kitchen.
2. Let the powder sit until it becomes a thick paste that is harder to clean. Your goal is to make the mess so big that the oil becomes insignificant in hindsight.
3. Clean up the paste with a broom and dustpan.
4. Throw out the broom.

How to clean oil off a carpet:

1. Blot the oil with a clean towel. Don’t rub it in, because the oil will have no idea whether you want it to go up into the towel or down into the carpet, plus gravity isn’t doing you any favors.
2. Sprinkle carpet with a thick layer of whatever starches and powders you have lying around your kitchen, such as kitty litter. Allow to sit overnight.
3. Now would be a good time to break out your Tehillim.
4. Place a couch over the stain and try not to think about it.
5. If all of your couches are already placed over stains, now is the time to buy a Barcalounger. “It’s a late Chanukah present!” This is how most living rooms get decorated.

How to clean oil off a table:

1. You should have used a plastic tablecloth, but no, you had to be fancy.
2. Fine. Pour ¼-inch thick layer of baby powder over the spot. After 30 minutes, wipe the powder off the table.
3. Do not just blow it off.
4. Scrub the powder out with a spouse’s toothbrush. See how long it takes them to realize.

How to clean oil off your clothing:

1. Blot the stain with a paper towel to remove excess grease. Make sure the stain knows you’re trying to soak it into the paper towel and not into the shirt. Or your undershirt, if you’re still wearing the shirt.
2. Why are you still wearing the shirt?
3. If the stain is still on after the wash, don’t put it in the dryer. Instead, air dry and wear the shirt for another round, then try again once people start pointing out the stain.
4. Depending on the location of your stain, consider wearing a tie. If this is a pair of pants, consider wearing a longer tie. If this is a tie, consider wearing two ties.
5. You can also use chalk to remove oil stains. If you have no chalk, use a magic marker.

How to clean oil out of your hair:

1. We would advise regular shampoo.
2. Blot, don’t scrub?
3. If you’re still having problems, make a baking soda paste. If you’re stuck in the bathroom, there’s probably baking soda in the toothpaste. And you’ll smell amazing.
4. Every step here is considerably easier with a sheitel.

How to clean oil off your skin:

1. If it’s on your hands, you have to find something to use in the room you’re in, because you can’t do doorknobs. Likewise if you get oil on your door knobs.
2. Some say to soak your hands in a mixture of warm water and conditioner for 5-10 minutes or overnight.
3. If conditioner works, why did no one mention it when we were talking about hair?

How to clean oil off a baby:

1. Put the baby in the bath. Note that the baby will be even more slippery than usual.
2. Dawn is what they use for baby birds, so maybe that.
3. Baby powder!
4. When you’re done, put the baby in rice.

How to clean oil off a couch:

1. Sprinkle baking soda on the affected fabric and allow it to sit for 24 hours. If your kids wake up before you in the morning, be prepared to clean footprints.
2. After a day passes, vacuum off the baking soda.
3. Unclog vacuum.

How to clean oil off a ceiling:

1. Begin by wiping the area with a clean cloth. At least gravity’s on your side here.
2. Alternatively, use a mop. They’re not just for floors.
3. A clean mop.
4. If stains remain, try to have your guests never look up at the ceiling by keeping things on the coffee table. There’s a reason living rooms rarely have overhead lights.

How to clean oil off a family pet:

1. Human shampoo.
2. Baking soda and a shower cap to let it set.
3. If all else fails, put the pet in rice.

How to clean oil out of a fish tank:

1. If the oil and water are mixed, wait a while. The water will go to the bottom and the oil and fish will float to the top. So maybe don’t wait.
2. Okay, so now the oil is on top. Now what? You’re going to suck it up with a straw? Logic says you should take the fish out, but you’re going to lift the fish up through the oil? Why not rub them in bread crumbs while you’re at it?
3. Bread crumbs are probably very good to absorb some of the oil off your fish. Then put them somewhere warm. Serves six.

How to clean oil off a patio:

1. Pour a few cans of coke on the stain. The acid in the coke will loosen the stain so you can easily wash it away.
2. Coke! Imagine what it does to your insides! It gets rid of lasting oil! So drink as much as you want.

How to clean oil off car upholstery:

1. Follow the steps for cleaning oil from the sofa.
2. Or you can find a car wash and try to explain what happened. “So I was in a rush to get to a Chanukah party, and…”

How to clean oil off of wildlife:

1. You’re going to need a lot of rice.
2. Does your spouse still have that toothbrush?
3. Now would be another good time to break out your Tehillim.

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].