Today’s article is about the most recent feud between England and America. England and America have always been having feuds, going back to—well, who really knows when it started?

It all started when a park in England, called “Prince’s Park,” wanted to put together a “fun run.” Prince’s Park, founded in 1863, is actually the smallest park in England, measuring 15 feet by 30 feet, and consists of a bench and three trees. The park also has one of those sharp fences to prevent people from going in and—I don’t know—stealing the bench.

So Prince’s sat there for 150 years, being largely ignored, until an events company in England decided to organize an event for charity.

So they decided to hold a fun run, in which over a thousand people would get together and run around the park. The estimate was that this would take the average person about 25 seconds, though with a thousand people there trying to get around this thing, I imagine it was more like doing Hoshanos in shul. It didn’t take anybody 25 seconds, and it tied up traffic for miles.

So the events company called the Guinness Book of Records to tell them about the “world’s shortest fun run.” Apparently, that can be a record. People usually think of calling Guinness about big things, like “the longest someone can hold his breath,” or “the most kids,” or “the oldest person alive.” No one ever calls them for “the shortest someone can hold his breath,” or “the fewest kids,” or “the youngest person alive.” And if you want to set a record for the least amount of time spent having fun running, I think many of us can beat that.

But while they were talking to Guinness, they asked if they could also have the record for the world’s smallest park. Though you’d think that having the world’s smallest park isn’t really something you’d want to brag about.

But they couldn’t get the record anyway, because that’s when Guinness informed them about a park in Portland, Oregon, called “Mill Ends Park,” that is even smaller. Instead of a triangle, it’s a circle; instead of three big trees, it has one small tree and instead of 15 by 30 feet, it has a total diameter of two feet.

Mill Ends Park was established by Oregon Journal columnist Dick Fagan in 1948. The Journal office was right across the street from Mill Ends, which is actually located on the median of one of the busiest streets in Portland. Right in the middle of a crosswalk.

Anyway, Dick was looking out the window, which is what you do when you’re a columnist, and he noticed a hole in the middle of the street that workers had left so they could put in a light. He watched that circle for months, and not only was there still no light, but weeds were growing out of the hole. So he planted flowers in the hole and called it a park—in his columns.

Sixty-five years later, there’s still no light pole, but in the meantime, he’s written enough columns about it that it’s been officially recognized as a park by the city of Portland. Then Guinness proclaimed it the world’s smallest park, sometime in the ’70s, after missing it several times even though they got very specific directions.

“Where is it?”

“I think we passed it.”

“Let’s circle the block again. Go around this median.” Bump. “What was that?”

But nevertheless, the people at Prince’s decided to challenge this. Well, obviously, they don’t think their park is smaller. But they do say that Mill Ends isn’t a park; it’s a flowerpot.

But to be fair, I don’t know that Prince’s could be considered a park either. You want to disappoint your kids? Take them to either of these parks.

“If you’re good, we’ll take you to the park.”

“This is it? It’s not much of a park.”

“Well, you weren’t that good.”

To be fair, you can’t actually go to Mill Ends at all. The entire thing is filled with plants and small toys that people put in, such as army men and a little ferris wheel. Also, it’s right in middle of an intersection, and there’s no crosswalk button on the median. So once you’re in the middle of the street, you’re kind of stuck there until the light changes. You have to time your visit carefully.

The question, really, is: How do you define a “park”?

So I looked it up. A park is “an area of land, usually in a largely natural state, for the enjoyment of the public, having facilities for rest or recreation.”

The key word there is “rest or recreation.” Clearly Mill Ends isn’t big enough to rest in, but there is recreation. People plant things, and they play with toys. They also raced snails there, in the ’70s. And if you’re really determined and have small feet, you can stand in there and juggle. Or fly a kite.

Guinness gave it the title of the “world’s smallest park” in 1971, and it hasn’t been knocked off its pedestal since. Except in 2006, when the city moved it to the side of the road for a year so they could do road construction. It’s the only park that you can actually steal.

But it’s never been stolen. Though, in March, the one tree was stolen. Officials planted a new tree, at a cost of $3.25, and the next day, the old tree was returned.

So the feud continues. I say they should get together and hash it out. Not in Mill Ends Park, because you’d need a location that can fit at least two people. But they can bring Mill Ends over to Prince’s Park and fight about it. (“Hey, no shoving! You made me drop the park!”)

I guess it’s the kind of park where the whole fun is arguing about it. That’s recreation, right?

By Mordechai Schmutter

 Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia, among other papers. He also has six books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].