Rabbi Wolbe writes in Aleh Shur that from Parshas Vaera we learn that patience is one of the most important qualities that anyone in a leadership position needs to possess. The Torah writes that “Hashem spoke to Moshe and Aaron and commanded them regarding the Children of Israel.” Rashi explains that Hashem was instructing them to lead the Children of Israel “calmly and to be patient with them.” The midrash elaborates on the incredible extent of patience that Hashem was demanding from them. “Hashem said to them, my children are obstinate, quarrelsome and bothersome, and it is on this condition that you accept the leadership of them upon yourselves, and with the understanding that they will curse you and even throw stones at you.” It is almost unfathomable to imagine how anyone can agree to such terms. It has to be one of life’s greatest challenges to remain calm and patient when the very people one is trying to help become so unruly and exasperating. Yet, this was the kind of leaders Hashem expected Moshe and Aaron to be.
Patiently relating to people ensures a proper and measured response to the needs of others. It is easy to be pleasant and considerate with cooperative and compliant individuals. However, it is more difficult to be understanding and patient when dealing with those whose needs are arduous and challenging. An impatient leader can overreact, make rash decisions, and respond angrily to the very people who need the most help. Not having someone who can relate to them in a calm and compassionate way can have devastating repercussions to their religious, mental and emotional wellbeing. This insensitive treatment has the potential to lead to feelings of being unloved and insignificant, which would be a most unfortunate and tragic loss.
It is no wonder, then, that Hashem demanded that His nation be led by calm and patient leaders. The reality is that there are many Jews who do not fit in with the rigorous demands of the establishment. Without the right people who can deal with them in a sensitive and respectful manner, they can be adversely affected. Their future could be at risk of being destabilized. With so much at stake, it becomes abundantly clear how critically important it is to make sure that the qualities of calmness and patience be on the forefront of the attributes required for any position that involves interacting with people.
While Rav Wolbe’s lesson is primarily directed at leaders and teachers, it is equally invaluable for couples and families. Each of us have our vulnerabilities, emotional needs, and unique backgrounds that shape who we are. And we all have moments of weakness and the need for help. At such times, relationships undergo a great deal of stress. The normal, comfortable, and enjoyable routines are disrupted, and the demands for special attention to a spouse or child in need grows significantly. At such critical times, having patience is more important than ever. If we exhibit tolerance and patience for our loved one in need, it can lead to a successful recovery and strengthened relationship. On the other hand, if there is exasperation with the person in need, it can intensify the problems and damage the relationship.
In his book “The 5 Love Languages,” Dr. Gary Chapman offers a helpful explanation on what patience in a relationship means on a practical level: “Patience is caring enough to listen empathetically with a view to understanding what is going on inside the other person. Such listening requires time and is itself an expression of love. Patience might mean remaining calm when what the other person is saying is hurtful. Patience says, “I care enough that no matter what you say or how you say it, I will listen and try to understand.”
Rabbi Avrohom Herman is the rabbi of the JEC Elmora Ave Shul in Elizabeth, NJ. He is also an LCSW in private practice specializing in marital and premarital couples therapy, anxiety and OCD disorders. He can be reached by email at [email protected] or at 908-220-7317.
