There is a convergence between Torah wisdom and current theories of psychology. This “meeting of the minds,” is particularly evidenced in quality of life issues such as relationships, parenting, and education. In last week’s Torah portion, Parshat Bechukotai, we again observe some basic, albeit often neglected, Torah truths. In the first segment, beginning with the words: “If you follow my statutes and observe my commandments….” we learn of Hashem’s gratitude towards the nation via the blessings they are expected to receive for complying with His mitzvot. With these words, the Torah is also teaching us the need to begin with such positive elements as “validation,” and “appreciation,” before touching upon a sensitive issue. If we look a bit little harder, we also notice that Hashem does not take us for granted, nor does he expect that we will automatically recognize or remember all that He has done for us ; He therefore, offers us reminders and encouragement over time, and lets us know exactly what He needs and wants. On a very basic level, He is telling us that the building of a relationship is not a “guessing game;” we cannot rely on intuition, as reflected in the well-worn statement: “If he/she really loved me… he/she would know what to do or say.” Simply put, in a relationship, each member deserves to told and reminded of the needs of the other in a gentle and loving manner.
The Talmud deepens the meaning of the above pasuk, by adding the word “only” to Hashem’s statement: “If only…., you would follow my statutes…;” in doing so, the meaning of the verse is transformed from one that could intimate a conditional, statement, to one where Hashem is communicating his core desire, to foster a relationship with His beloved nation. He is beseeching us to please follow in his ways in order to achieve a positive outcome. This also helps us make sense of the unusual wording “tailaichu-walk” instead of “perform” when presenting the mitzvot with which Hashem charged the nation. Rashi and other commentators explain that the word “walk,” is used to suggest strenuous activity; it is through this “toiling in Torah,” that we gain a more authentic understanding of God. The great reward inherent in this deep level of “knowing,” is that it transforms the connection from a rote “autopilot” manner of relating, which may leave us with doubt, distrust and fear, to one of “intimacy” and “mindfulness, which moves us to love, trust, and awe.
Following the section of the “Blessings,” we read the seemingly very harsh and daunting portion of “Rebuke,” which begins: “But if you will not listen…. If you behave casually (keri) towards me…. I too will behave with casualness (b’keri) towards you…”.While this segment appears to contradict some of the above insights, an analysis of the text reveals how the wording in fact resonates with the sentiments advanced by the most respected relationship experts.
The commentaries note the multiple occurrence of the word “Keri,” (alternatively translated as “happenstance,” “holding back,” or “hardening” one’s heart against another), in these p’sukim; they explain that including the word “keri,” and repeatedly stressing the negativity associated with forming a “casual” relationship with God, complements rather than contradicts the above stress on the importance of building a deep relationship with God. Thus viewed, the Tochacha is not a “tit for tat” conditional sequence of compliance and punishment. Rather it reflects the natural course of events that result when our connection with God is set in the “default,” “autopilot,” or “casual,” mode of relating. Moreover, just as spiritual challenges emanate from the lack of intentionality, and intimacy, so too do our human relationships. It is only when we take each other for granted, lose perspective of the other side, and give the other what we think they need, rather than taking the time to understand the core desires that reside in their hearts, that ruptures in our relationships occur. And finally, since Hashem is not physically or emotionally dependent upon us, it is only to enhance our lives and bring us joy in our relationships that, He gifts us with this paradigm for all the relationships He sends our way.
In working with couples, I encourage them to use a series of dialogues that foster the intentional relationship.
When experiencing a frustration with a spouse, I discourage partners from beginning with a “You” statement such as: “You promised to call and you didn’t….” or “You always say you’ll call and you never do…,” which typically leads to a defensive response. Instead I ask them to begin with a statement expressing a feeling: “I feel very anxious when I expect you home by a certain time and don’t call.” As the dialogue progresses they can also deepen these statements by explaining the source of the frustration: “When you forget to call, it makes me feel scared because I worry that perhaps you had an accident…”
Upon hearing the partner, the receiver can mirror and validate the partner’s frustration rather than considering it from his/her own perspective, and possibly blowing it off: “ I think I hear you saying that you’re frustrated when I promise to call and forget. Now it makes sense to me that you’re upset, because you imagine that I may have had an accident and that scares you.” The receiver should also check in with his partner to see if he heard everything that was communicated by asking: “Did I get it right? And “Is there more about that?”
The Intentional Dialogue may seem forced or uncomfortable at first; however, with practice, and sometimes support, it becomes spontaneous and goes a long way in facilitating the desired outcome and improving the relationship.
Renee Nussbaum, is a practicing Psychoanalyst, with training in Imago Relational Therapy. She can be reached at: [email protected]
By Renee Nussbaum Ph.D., PsyA
